Making a deployment bucket list can ease the burden a bit and turn the months of deployment into a time for personal growth. It’s OK to spend some time considering what you can accomplish before your spouse returns, from travel and career building to fitness and social interaction.

Here are some popular ideas to consider:

Run a 5k, 10k, Half or Full Marathon

You can use your months to train for a marathon.

Running a marathon can be intimidating, especially if you don’t consider yourself a runner. Luckily there are websites like Runners World with training plans that can accommodate first timers, beginners, intermediate and advanced runners. Because the plans can range from six weeks to 16, you can choose one that fits within the length of the deployment.

Work Out Consistently

Work out every day and feel good about it.

Maybe you have no desire to compete in a race and just want to get on a regular workout regiment. Add a yoga class or daily run to your bucket list. You can even double up on your list items if losing weight is another goal.

Clean Out the Garage, Attic, Basement or Shed

Organizing can be a beast of a project.

Cleaning can be a great stress reliever that also makes you feel good about yourself. Try to focus on one task at a time. Declutter one day, sell or donate the next, rearrange and organize and continue until you’re satisfied with your space.

Take on a Major or Multiple Craft Projects

Play around with paint, yarn, beads or whatever else you fancy.

If you ever admired a homemade quilt or thought it’d be cool to refurbish an antique, use the deployment as a starting point for a major craft project. If your personality lends itself to shorter projects, try to set a goal or learn as many new crafts as you can.

Major House or Yard Project

Gardening can be soothing but is only one of multiple yard projects you can take on.

Gardening, landscaping, painting and construction are just a few examples of long-term projects to complete throughout a deployment.

Take a Road Trip

There are so many places to go and so many things to see.

Whether you want to visit family or just go sightseeing, planning a road trip can be a lot of fun. Research all the options and dream up your ideal getaways.

Take a Recreational Class

Cooking classes are one great option for taking a recreational class.

Feed your curiosity and explore recreational community classes. You can hone in on your computer skills with Adobe classes or learn to ride a horse. The options are limitless and the structured schedule can help pass the time of deployment.

Learn a Language

Challenge yourself to learn a language during a deployment.

While your spouse is in a different part of the nation or world, you can explore different cultures by learning a different language. Then upon your spouse’s return, perhaps you both can take a trip to a country that speaks the language.

Volunteer

Volunteering is a great way to stay social during a deployment.

Volunteering can be a great way to spend your time helping others as well as helping yourself. Since there are so many options—mentoring, building homes, running charity events to name a few—you can explore some of your interests. If you were always curious about becoming a teacher, try to mentor or tutor kids and see what you like.

Pay off Debts

A deployment can be a kick-off to be disciplined with your debt.

While probably not the most entertaining bucket list item, paying off debt can be a rewarding accomplishment. What better way to use deployment then to set and get going on budgeting goals?

These are just a few bucket list items. The possibilities are limitless so take some time to explore you goals and get going!

Military spouse bonds can include anything from ice cream socials to late-night vent sessions.

A structured and supportive family readiness group (FRG) can make it easier for military spouses to cope with the challenges they face. Unfortunately, not all spouses have the good fortune. FRGs can be inactive, nonexistent or poorly organized.

Military Spouse Central‘s Adrienne May is the spouse of a National Guard service member and has had experience with an ineffective FRG. She managed to find a way to get information and support:

“Mostly, I just talked to a bunch of the spouses and the ones who talked back I keep in contact with pretty regularly,” Adrienne said. “We kind of feed each other info that we get.”

Making your own message pool is just one option. Check out a few more ways to combat a lagging or nonexistent FRG:

Give Contact Information

Spouses may be unaware their FRG exists.

One of Adrienne’s tips for those struggling to find a solid FRG is to make sure you get added to contact lists. The lists are voluntary so giving your information will ensure you get the information and signal your interest.

Some new spouses expect an invite to an FRG or a similar group once they enter the military realm, but that isn’t always the case. Some leaders may be extremely busy and not be able to extend personal invitations or seek your contact information. Try to call or email spouses and find a way to get on the list for newsletters or email updates.

Facebook Pages

Some spouses decide to make Facebook pages for their unit as a way of communication. “As long as you follow OPSEC rules, it can be a good way to connect with other soldiers and spouses in a non-pressure way,” Adrienne said.

New military spouses especially should learn all they can about OPSEC and why it’s so crucial for military family members.

Create an Unofficial FRG

On the Left Face MilSpouse blog, commenter Michelle (TAW) said she took FRG matters into her own hands. Though she did not have an official FRG charter and couldn’t officially raise money, she worked to bring families together for support.

“When someone needs a babysitter they know who to call,” she wrote. “When we all knew our guys were heading from the MOB station to overseas, we all sat online half the night and chatted while each waited to receive our phone call from the sand.”

Another spouse mentioned their unofficial group met regularly and were currently voting on T-shirt designs to represent themselves. They have a phone tree and encourage spouses to report any problems or struggles they’re facing. The team has also created a care team for casualties and other tragedies.

Make the Effort

Adrienne makes it a point to volunteer for and attend every event the military unit has. Even if the unit is inactive, they still host holiday parties or other get-togethers.

“I do my best to go, no matter how inconvenient or silly it seems,” she said. “In National Guard or Reserve families, it can be hard to get to know your spouse’s unit.”

Adrienne chooses to use events as an opportunity to meet others, despite the lack of an official FRG. Networking can be what you make it. If there isn’t an official group, consider starting an unofficial group. If your FRG doesn’t get together enough to create strong bonds, offer suggestions for activities.

Photo courtesy of USAG-Humphreys

Life moves fast in the military. Vow renewal may or may not be the perfect solution to a less-than-ideal wedding.

Plans are often tentative in the military. A road trip alone may have a plan A, B, C, D and still not work out. Road trips come and go, but what happens when a military couple wants to plan their once-in-a-lifetime wedding?

Some military couples may have their dream wedding no problem, but it isn’t uncommon for an enlistment date, assignment, deployment or other military-related circumstance to call for some sacrifice and compromise.

Many couples consider vow renewals or second ceremonies. If you’re one of those couples, here are a few things to think about:

Reasons for Renewal

There are many reasons for vow renewal. Some couples choose to renew their vows no matter how long they have been married in order to get the dream ceremony they never had. Perhaps they want the full shebang with decorations, photography and a nice venue or perhaps it’s as simple as having the attendants they couldn’t have before.

Another reason may be that the couple overcame a traumatic experience such as a deployment, serious illness,  injury or infidelity. A vow renewal can signify a new beginning as a recommitted couple and  re-strengthen the marriage .

Some couples are completely against the idea and believe vow renewal is unnecessary seeing as they already made the commitment. Others feel a vow renewal prior to a five-year anniversary is unnecessary.

Official Vow Renewal

If you decide you fall on the pro-renewal side, forget the debate and have your special day. Before you do, there are decisions to make as to go about your renewal ceremony.

Guests

The first consideration is your guests. Make a guest list and send invitations to your ceremony with the disclaimer that you and your spouse are choosing to have the ceremony you were unable to have before.

Gifts

It is your and your spouse’s preference as to whether you want to register for gifts. If you registered for your wedding, you may just want to keep it to a ceremony. If you were unable to register for your wedding, guests will be more likely to purchase gifts.

Extra Parties

It is highly recommended to not have a bachelor or bachelorette party. While you may not have had the wedding you desired, you are still married and such celebrations may cause more trouble than they are worth. It is also not common to have bridal parties.

Officiant

Luckily, you’re already married and don’t need to go through the paperwork process again. You can still book an officiant or minister to run a formal ceremony if you prefer, or you can run the ceremony yourself.

Honeymoon

Honeymoons are definitely an option for couples. Some even choose to host their ceremony in an all-expenses paid location. That way, you and your guests can appreciate a vacation. Not only that, the all-inclusive route can save you the stress of planning out the details of the ceremony and after-party, if you choose to have one.

Non-Renewal Celebration

If you do not like the idea of a vow renewal, you can still throw a party to acknowledge the sacrifices you made for your wedding. If you had a video made, you can play your original vow exchange for guests and live up the night as the married couple you are.

Have you have vow renewal ceremony or are you planning one?

What about your wedding? Do you feel like you had the wedding of your dreams or do you feel like you missed out?

Photo courtesy of U.S. Army

If you’re curious as to whether you contribute to rankism or are interested in changing your perspective, here are some signs and solutions:

Military spouse soon find out that in the military rank can seep into everything in military communities, even when it shouldn’t.

Signs

New military spouses probably won’t find the term “rankism” in the dictionary. But many would argue it’s long been a part of military life. Consider it discrimination toward other military spouses based on the rank of their significant other. Discriminatory actions aren’t always done in an overt, drastic way.

Consider these examples:

• Avoiding a friendship or military events because of rank
• Expecting spouses of higher-ranked service members to take on more volunteer work and installation responsibilities.
• Expecting spouses of lower-ranked service members to take a follower role without the ability to offer any input.
• Only talking to spouses whose significant others are of the same rank.
• Resentment toward more expensive clothing, cars, houses for the higher-paid spouses.
• Conflict or anger toward high-rank perks such as certain parking spots or housing.

Solutions

The concept of rankism has been noted in scores of fields and industries with any form of social hierarchy. Combating stereotypes and seeking multiple perspectives can be key when it comes to breaking through this invasive issue. Here are a few things to consider:

• Nice and mean spouses come with every rank. Paying attention to rank can cause you to lose an opportunity for a great friend or force you into unhealthy relationships.
• Higher-ranked service members may have a lengthier time spent in the military community and probably have taken on a lot of responsibilities in that time. Their spouse also likely supported them while attaining higher ranks. In a sense, they have earned the perks of the rank.
• Assuming pretentious or jealous attitudes can be counterproductive until you actually meet and talk to the person.
• Lower rank does not mean low class. Spouses should not pretend newly enlisted, or those with less time, are invisible and not an asset to the community.
• While service members have to respect the meaning of ranks, their actions should not transfer to the character of their spouse. If a commander has to discipline personnel of a lower rank and causes a sense of belittling, that does not mean his or her spouse is the same.

Photo courtesy of NYCMarines and Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson

When a spouse hears of a close call, they may be overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Here are some ways to help cope with the challenges of distance and dangerous work:

Knowing that your service member’s job is dangerous and having to face how dangerous it really is are two totally different feelings.

Avoid Worst-Case Scenarios and Gossip

Longtime military spouses often advise those going through a deployment to avoid the news. Any word of a plane, helicopter or maritime crash or report of an ambush, IED, RPG or other attack can send spouses into a panic. While spouses can’t always avoid alarming news, they can take some deep breaths and talk to their understanding community before ruminating themselves into worst-case scenarios. Be sure to talk to those who are calm and comforting as opposed to exposing yourself to hearsay and rumors. No reason to fear a close call for no reason.

Handling the News of a Close Call

If the fear comes to fruition, a spouse may be overwhelmed with their inability to steal their spouse from dangerous circumstances and comfort them. It’s not something those at home can control, so focusing on the things they can control can be of help. Consider:

• Writing a letter or creating a list of the good memories you have with your spouse. It may seem counterintuitive, especially when walling up emotions can be much more attractive, but focusing on good times can help you appreciate every day and take each day one-by-one, close calls one-by-one, until the time apart ends.
  

  As joyful as a phone call from your spouse can be, there is often a bit of anxiety mixed in.

• As the negative thoughts and images start to go through your mind, interrupt them and focus on something you can control. Imagine a plan for your next gardening project, art project or picking out a new book to read.
• Keep Busy. Military spouse LDCampbell was on the phone with her deployed husband when she heard a bomb explode just before the line went dead. For five days she had to wait to hear news from the Navy. Through the agony, she tended to her son and made sure they both stayed busy with extracurricular activities and quality family time.

Little Things to Remember

The main piece of advice is to remain calm and focus your mind on positive things. Here are a few helpful tips:

• Draw from what you can. You may not be able to hold your spouse’s hand after a close call, but you can take a handwritten letter and feel the presence of the hands that wrote it.
• The silence around a close call is agonizing, but laughter can be your friend. Get social and try to enjoy yourself as you hope for the best.
• Live every moment as if it may be your last.
• Surround yourself with people who understand. Spouses are relieved when they find they are not the only ones dealing with the circumstances and that their reactions are not crazy or even out of the ordinary.

Photo courtesy of The US Army and redeye^

Sometimes a marriage need a little reinforcement to ride out the inconsistencies of military life. Whether it’s to revive or just maintain a healthy marriage, here are some resources designed specifically for the military marriage:

Marriages take commitment and attention.

Military OneSource

Military OneSource offers free non-medical counseling to service members and spouses. Non-medical counseling revolves around everyday issues, stress and anger management, adjustment after deployment and parenting and grief issues. Married couples can receive referrals for up to 12 sessions with licensed professionals without cost. Sessions can be face-to-face or over the phone. Start by calling 800-342-9647 or visiting the website.

Military Life Family Consultants

Non-medical services are offered through experienced clinical providers. They can provide support as well as refer situations needing additional psychological health support. Additional issues may include PTSD, suicidal thoughts or substance abuse.

Military couples can get in touch with a Family Life Consultant in their home installation. Resources include Army Community Services, Marine Corps Community Services, Navy Fleet and Family Support Centers, Airman and Family Readiness Centers, and National Guard and Reserve members. For more information call 888-755-9355.

DCE Outreach Center

The Defense Centers of Excellence provides confidential support for free when military members call 866-966-1020 or sign into Real Warriors Live Chat.

Installation Services 

There are typically military relationship enhancement classes offered through family support or service centers, chaplain services or through similar civilian sources.

Military Medical Treatment Facility

Each branch of the military and Defense Department civilian employees who have been deployed can go to the Military Medical for evaluation and treatment of medical conditions such as PTSD and substance abuse.

Using TRICARE

Military couples can look at eligibility requirements for TRICARE’s Mental and Behavioral Health services and find a provider. Members can also call 866-966-1020 or contact a civilian provider.

There is also a TRICARE Assistance Program (TRIAP) offered to active duty family members that includes a 24-hour web-based counseling service for non-medical issues using video chat and instant messaging with licensed counselors.

Take advantage of the resources the military provides for your marriage.

Free Marriage Retreats

There are multiple retreats offered to military couples free of cost, including:

• In addition to a free retreat, the Coming Home Project offers workshops to servicemembers of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. Locations include San Antonio, San Francisco, San Diego and Washington, D.C.
• For Reservists and Guardsmen who have been home from Operation Iraqi Freedom and/or Operation Enduring Freedom for six months, Compass Retreat Center provides a weeklong camp in Seymour, Ind.
• For service members who have returned from deployment for at least three months but no more than 15 can attend a four-day program through Operation Purple sponsored by the National Military Family Association.
• Project New Hope provides combat veterans and their families three-day programs in Minnesota, Wisconsin and New York
• For six days and five nights, Project Sanctuary works to strengthen marriages with a cost-free retreat in the Colorado Rocky Mountains.

Photos courtesy of Sergio Vassio and The National Guard

If that’s the case, here are some fun ways to distract the mind a little and cope with the hardship of deployment.

From gardening to puzzles, finding a “go-to” when you need a distraction is key during deployment.

Use Music for Stress Relief

You can decide how deep you indulge, but music can be a very therapeutic way to distract yourself. Sing along to some cheerful or inspirational songs and belt out some stress. You can also reconnect with an instrument to practice or pick up one as a new hobby.

Keep Social

You can host a girls/guys night with fellow spouses where you all enjoy each other and have a mutual sense of understanding. Treat yourselves to movies, sports, games or just pure chitchat. Another idea is to befriend some of the new spouses in the unit. Recall how lost you may have felt and use this time to mentor another.

You Need to Treat Yourself

About once a week or so treat yourself to some pampering. Perhaps it’s getting a massage or manicure/pedicure, buying a new video game, getting a fancy haircut, eating at a nice restaurant or whatever else you typically don’t do.

Invest in Your Education

It is healthy to find a release, just don’t over think it!

Use the extra time to enroll in a certificate or degree program. Not only does it keep your mind in the books, but it is also a way to invest in your future. There are multiple scholarships and programs such as MyCAA for military spouses.

Free Your Mind by Reading and Writing

Whether it’s the classic novels or the trashy magazines, allow yourself to get caught up in a fantasy world. If it’s not enough to read, try and write your own novel or simply make entries in a journal about your daily thoughts.

Relax with a Movie Night

Rent and watch every chick flick or man movie that you’ve always wanted to watch and make a night out of it. Pop some popcorn, cuddle up with a blanket and enjoy yourself. You can also brighten your mood with inspirational movies it you need a boost of optimism.

Stay Busy and Get Fit!

Stay Busy with a New Hobby

You can perfect the art of quilting, knitting, antiquing, scrapbooking, or whatever hobby you’d like to do for fun. Not only can you use it as a distraction, but you might also be able to turn it into a profit-making hobby. Throw yourself into a new project or even make a long term goal that you can work towards. Now is the time to start scrap booking, dive into volunteering or start training for that marathon!

Be One with Nature and Garden

Not only can gardening be a stress-relieving distraction, but it can also be a great way to get outdoors and in the sunshine.  You can learn to appreciate nature as well as gain the rewarding experience of creating your own beauty.

Puzzle Yourself When You Need a Distraction

A nice word, crossword or Sodoku puzzle can be a quick way to engage your mind. You can distract your mind and strengthen it at the same time.

Art Therapy

Take up drawing or painting to process your emotions or use as a simple distraction. You can explore your artistic capabilities and produce something beautiful to share with others later.

How do you keep busy during deployment? Do you have special projects, long term goals or other hobbies that you take up to help keep busy during deployment? Let us know in the comments! 

Photo courtesy of tcp909, theKelleyScope and Ev0luti0nary

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Here are a few ways you can express solidarity and work to ensure your military spouse knows you’ll always be there for them:

When reassuring your spouse consistency makes all the difference.

Get Embedded

One of the best ways you can show support for your spouse’s decision to join the military is to join it yourself—in the civilian sense. Get involved with your Family Readiness Group and try to find get-togethers and activities to get excited about. Try to meet some people and make some friends to establish a social life. Once your spouse sees that you can create a life alongside the military, his or her fear may be eased.

Communicate Carefully

Depending on whether your spouse is away on assignment, there are a few approaches to communicate in a way that shows your affection.

If your spouse is away, try to keep the communication consistent. Write regularly via email or post, but be sure not to promise anything you can’t deliver. Don’t promise to write every day if you know your schedule can get crazy. Falling back on a promise leaves room for doubt, so keep expectations realistic.

Also try to keep your communication open, but be sure to emphasize the good. If you two can only chat via phone, talk about some positive news such as some family fun or a new hobbyyou picked up. You can be honest about struggles you’re having, but be sure to

explain how you’re coping or trying to cope. Just expressing struggles may touch on a guilty feeling that he or she cannot be there for you. If they doubt they can meet your needs, their fear of you leaving may heighten.

One topic to ensure some investment is your future together. Perhaps you can talk about your future home, family or vacations.

When your service member needs extra assurance realize that this is just because he or she still needs to feel loved and needed, not that you are doing anything wrong.

Package Your Love in a Gift

You may not always be able to voice how you feel, but giving your spouse something tangible as a reminder of your affection can be helpful. It can be as simple as his or her favorite candy, movie, magazine or a picture.

Create a Scrapbook

The work and effort that goes into a scrapbook can be a great way to show that your relationship is worth it to you. You can show how much you appreciate old memories and it may even spark ideas to create new ones.

Photo courtesy of ianimmortal and nanny snowflake via Flickr.

Military Spouse Central asked for spouse opinions in which resulted in a few different approaches. Here are some to consider:

Reenlistment can be a big decision for the whole family

Service Member’s Decision

Some spouses want zero influence and take the “it’s his career choice and I’m here to support it” route. They may not discuss it at all with their spouse until the decision is made and it’s time to embrace it.

Give Opinion and See

Spouses also recognize the decision is ultimately their service members, but offer their help in voicing their concerns and perspective. Some common concerns that may be worth discussing include children, schooling, deployments and relocations.

Melissa Blietz didn’t want her husband to feel any regret and resentment if the decision wasn’t his own. So while she offered her thoughts, she assured him she was “behind him 100 percent, no matter what he decided to do.”

Dependant on Family Sacrifice

When a family is involved, a service member’s career greatly affects everyone. It may be beneficial to weigh the sacrifices each member may have to make for reenlistment. It may not just be time or financial aspects, but also aspirations. Tiffany Pitt-Meier made a plea to spouses that no matter what decision is made, spouses shouldn’t underestimate their role as a military spouse and should continue considering their own dreams.

Weigh Family and Personal Career

For Jay NearformerDarling, there are only two factors: “what’s best for our family… and what’s best for him.” If the service member decides to stay in and the family dynamic stays in tact, there is no problem. If the service member is miserable and decides not to reenlist, then the family can avoid resentment and find a way to start a new life.

Today You, Tomorrow Me

Michele Tveit Jackson stated her view quite when she replied, “I don’t mind following him around now because when he does get out, he will follow me and I don’t want him trying to tell me what to do with my career.” Spouses may take a back seat for now, but with the future in mind. You can choose to fully support whatever decision your spouse makes so they are prepared to return the favor when you both decide it’s your turn.

Secured Income

Some spouses focus on the practical side of a steady income before allowing their spouse to rush to any decision. Andrea Forte mentioned her husband can reenlist all he wants, but before he gets our he should make sure he can secure a civilian job.

Reserve Compromise

Another route to approach is the idea of reenlisting into the reserves as opposed to another active duty. The service member will have to discuss the option with a reserve counselor to make sure the transition can occur quickly enough and keep the transition smooth.

Photo courtesy of Morning Calm News

It’s an exciting time for military communities to get together, but often times, spouses get anxious about what to expect as they honorably represent their service member. Each branch runs their event differently, so some of the following advice varies, but here are a few general things spouses may want to know about military balls:

A military ball is a great excuse to dress up and feel like a princess.

What to Wear

In a military ball, service members wear dress blue or class A uniforms while guests complement them with formal attire. Male guests typically wear dark suits with a bow tie or a tuxedo. Women wear knee- to floor-length gowns, but also have the option of cocktail dresses, as long as detailing is minimal. Patterns and bright colors should be avoided.

Women are not expected to get their hair professionally done, but many sport fancy curls or elegant hairdos. Since spouses will be greeting people with handshakes, hands should be well groomed. If a woman chooses to wear gloves, proper glove protocol includes removing the right glove and holding it in the left hand while meeting other guests.

Cocktail Hour

The night kicks off around 5 or 6 with a cocktail hour where service members and guests can mingle. There may also be a photographer for formal pictures. Just be sure to pace any drinking you may do, because when the cocktail hour ends it’s typically time for the receiving line.

Receiving Line

Before you head to the receiving line, be sure to leave all food, drink, extra garments and umbrellas in the check area. Women are permitted to bring their purses with them.

When walking as a couple, women walk in front of the men in a single-file line, even if the woman is the service member. The first person you’ll encounter is the announcer and you do not shake his or her hand. You simply introduce or are introduced by your last name. As you continue through the line, short greetings are appropriate, such as, “Good evening, it’s nice to meet you.”

Dinner Hour

When dinnertime is sounded by a horn, it’s time for you to take your assigned seat. It’s a good idea to open the lines of communication

Marine Corps ball attracted celebrity guests in 2011

and introduce yourself to your table. You may find a program at your table with the evening’s events as well as any responses you should give during toasts and speeches.

Several courses will be served for which you may want to brush up on your table setting etiquette. In addition to knowing what fork to use, be sure to ask for items to be passed rather than reach across anyone. Use common courtesy as to not apply makeup or fix your hair at the table.

There will be presentations to honor service members as well as tributes to the colors, so be sure to ask your spouse about proper protocol.

After Dinner

When the presentation ends, the dance floor and bar will open up. It may begin with formal dances such as waltzes or foxtrots, but depending on the band or DJ that runs the show, more contemporary music can be played. You can let loose on the dance floor, but be sure to leave the club moves at home.

Have you attended a military ball? What was your experience?

Do you have any advice or things spouses should know before they go?

Photo courtesy of Jayel Aheram and DVIDSHUB