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Key Character Traits for Male Military Spouses

Posted by Derek Hartley

The Lopez family on vacation.

Our recent interview with Everett Lopez revealed some of the difficulties associated with being a man in the predominately female community of military spouses.

Military husbands can be saddled with gender stereotyping, discrimination and insufficient support on top of the strain of deployments, PCSing and military life.

With 11 years as a military spouse, three years as a father and four big moves under his belt, Everett had some great advice to give to military spouses, especially husbands.

Flexibility

You’ve gotta be flexible. That was a big deal for me. Growing up, change was hard for me and then marrying the military — it was a shock because change was a constant.

Between the constant moving and last-minute changes, the military lifestyle is full of hurry-up-and-wait moments. It’s best to go into military life expecting constant change and preparing yourself to roll with the punches rather than have a last-minute change get you down.

Adaptation

Going from LA County to Jacksonville, North Carolina, was a huge change. I was just thinking this is too small, I can’t live this way. But then going to Italy, the base was even smaller, but it was an easier transition. It’s gotten easier because change is always happening.

It seems the only way to adjust to change is to live it. The first time you and your family are faced with a PCS, it may seem overwhelming, but just remember that you’ll get through it and settle down again. Each move will get easier as you figure out everything you’ll need to do and what to expect.

Support

Be supportive. I’ve played the tuba for 27 years. I came to the epiphany in my relationship that my role is a lot like playing my instrument. I hardly ever have a solo but I’m always there keeping the tempo. I’m more of a support role. You aren’t going to be out in the front all the time, but you still have to put in as much work as if you were.

This is especially valuable advice for a male military spouse. Expectation and stereotypes lead many men to think that husbands should take control of all family decisions. But Everett and other male military spouses often work behind the scenes to keep everything running, even if the spotlight is on someone else.

Combining flexibility, a positive outlook and a supportive personality can help new military spouses start on the right foot.