And that insight can amount to a lot of unique feelings that come with being married to the military. How do milspouses cope with love, loss and leaving?

Ali still wanted to send out a family photo in their yearly Christmas card even though they were spending the holidays apart. We love her creative idea!

“My husband, Trevor, missed his sister’s wedding during his first deployment. I know it’s still hard for him when he thinks about missing it.  It’s hard for his sister, too,“ she said. An issue constantly affecting military spouses and service members alike is learning how to deal with missing big events.

A fine line must be straddled between being open enough so there is no resentment without bringing it up so much no one can move past it. It seems the best course of action is to be open with your feelings without dwelling on a negative event and focus on something positive.

“For the last New Year’s he missed, I still went to a party with friends and had him on FaceTime on my phone all night.  (My phone) was passed around and he got to talk to everyone at the party and we rang in the New Year together the best way we could.”

It’s this kind of dedication to making things work that keeps spirits high, even when someone can’t be there for something big, but you can’t always pull off the best surprises alone. Ali enlisted the help of her husband’s friends to help celebrate their third wedding anniversary.

“A friend of ours, who was also deployed at the time, came up with the idea to throw Trevor a surprise anniversary party and have me on video chat,” she said. “About 10 guys got together and grilled…and had me on video chat.  It was morning here, so I made myself a nice, big breakfast and a mimosa.  Even though we were on opposite sides of the planet, it was a very special anniversary that neither of us will ever forget!”

“We’ve never had a problem making an important event special regardless of circumstances.”

Every Event is a Big Event

It’s not the big stuff that gets Gibbs, it’s the little stuff. And lots of little events can add up. She confides in the community she has around her to cheer her up.

“Any event missed by a deployed service member seems like a big one to me,” says Gibbs. “When my best friend was deployed with her husband, I went along on their son’s preschool field trip to the local food co-op.  I don’t know that any parent would see that as a major event in their child’s life, but when neither mom nor dad can go, it’s a big event.”

Sharing Your Story

Gibbs’ blog has been a great help to getting past these military hurdles.

“Some of the longer, more popular military-related posts were sparked from speaking with our state chaplain,” she said. “He reminded me those struggles are so common and other families could surely benefit from hearing our story and encouraged us to write about it so we did.”

The blog has grown over several years to include several crucial life moments like missed events, getting engaged, deployment, reintegration and most recently, having a baby.

“I guess, at the end of the day, this is our life and I love it.  We have met some wonderful people, learned some very important lessons, and become such a strong couple.  Our ability to effectively and respectfully communicate with each other is second to none,” said Gibbs.

Photos courtesy of Ali Gibbs

The result is that moving frequently can take its toll on the family, and although its members might grow accustomed to the process, adjusting to life in a new city is always gradual at first.

So when a military family not only has to move, but move overseas, the adjusting period is amplified by multiple factors, such as unfamiliarity, language and culture. How, then, do military families adjust to living overseas?

Military families have to adjust to life overseas.

It might not be easy, but there are certainly ways to help military families and spouses feel more at home in a foreign country. According to Military Hub, “The United States military has troops deployed in nearly 130 countries around the world performing a variety of duties.” Lesson No. 1 is that if you’re a military family living abroad, you are not alone. The knowledge that countless other families have gone through this should be encouraging.

Another way for military families to adjust is to take advantage of support, services and encouragement available from a particular service branch. Plentiful resources exist within U.S. bases abroad, and they are ready to help.

Outside the bases, the cultural differences will become more apparent. According to Best World Travel Destinations, misunderstandings can occur due to these differences. Military families will adjust to another culture better by making an effort to learn the common cultural practices of their new location including body language and eating. Language can be a bigger issue at times, unless the foreign country is primarily English-speaking. To deal with this, it is best to learn the most common words and phrases of the language, even if it takes a little time. This will help families in the long run to navigate the city smoothly.

One military spouse who is quite versed in adjusting to living overseas is Air Force wife, Heather Blackman. She and her husband are currently at Spangdahlem Air Base in Germany for their very first duty station. Her husband finished Air Force basic training and school in late July, and the couple moved to Germany in August, so she knows what it’s like to have to move quickly and far.

“We actually PCS’ed expecting our first child,” Blackman said. “Honestly, moving to a different country can be very nerve-wracking and a little scary because you’re not sure what to expect. Upon arriving here, we have met different people who are very friendly and always willing to help. It’s basically a life saver as you’re trying to settle into somewhere new and different. We actually are having to visit a hospital off-base to see an OB, but the doctors and staff are very friendly, informative and caring.”

Even though a country overseas can seem intimidating, people will want to help you adjust, which can make the process much easier. If you have children, schooling for them will depend on the location. Some cities that have good educational systems, according to Best World Travel Destinations, might require children to go to a local school, where they will also likely learn the local language. Other cities might have schools set up on the military base by the Department of Defense. The DoD Education Activity will ensure schooling arrangements are made.

As far as housing, it takes time to adjust like the other aspects of living abroad. “Moving into a new house and settling into a new life can be frightening or exciting; I feel like it’s best to go with the most positive feeling so you don’t get so homesick,” Blackman said.

“While it may be harder for some than others, it really is a great experience. Being introduced into a new culture and even a different way of living is such an amazing opportunity that not everyone is blessed with. You can almost definitely learn patience, since there is a language barrier with some. Just being aware of someone else’s way of life is an eye opener.”

Photo courtesy of jim.greenhill

Recognizing the sacrifices military families make goes well beyond homecoming.

In a proclamation made on November 2, President Obama declared that this month, citizens make the extra effort to make note of the sacrifices military families make for this nation every day. In a quote from the proclamation, “I call on all Americans to honor military families through private actions and public service for the tremendous contributions they make in support of our service members and our Nation.”

Family Commitment

Every year, thousands of new recruits join their respective branches of the military and in doing so understand they are making a huge personal sacrifice to serve their country. Although these individuals deserve much praise, what many don’t think about is the joint sacrifices their family, friends and loved ones will make as well.

The proclamation recognizes this family investment in service members by saying “When a young woman signs up to defend our nation, her parents are enlisted as well. When a father deploys to a combat zone, his children are called to serve on the home front. And when the men and women of our military serve far from home, their families feel the strain of their absence.”

Year-Round Support

Even the smallest members of military families make sacrifices and deserve recognition and support.

One of the most important aspects of this proclamation is to promote support of military families year-round. One of the best examples of this support is the Joining Forces campaign and their determination to help service members and their spouses find employment and military children succeed in school even after several moves.

The initiative has shattered their goal of 100,000 jobs pledged to veterans and military spouses by 2013, with over 125,000 pledges on the books.

Military Family Month, isn’t just about citizens recognizing the military community, it’s about the military community being proud and supporting each other. Be sure to check out military related organizations and events, which are common in November and get acquainted with other military families in your area.

As the proclamation states, members of military families are some of the finest folks you’ll ever meet. “In our military families, we see the best our country has to offer. They demonstrate the virtues that have made America great for more than two centuries and the values that will preserve our greatness for centuries to come.”

Images courtesy of The U.S. Army & DVIDSHUB

Unemployment is a major problem facing military spouses and it seems that state licensure regulations aren’t helping the issue.

Anyone familiar with the military lifestyle knows that moving is an unavoidable aspect. Maintaining meaningful long-term employment for military spouses through several moves is a crushing stressor for military families.

Key inhibitors to maintaining employment for military spouses are state licensure laws. According to a study by the Department of Defense, more than 35 percent of military spouses have jobs that require some type of state-specific license or certification, and many of these must be renewed every time you move.

We recently contacted Bianca Strzalkowski, a director at Blue Star Families and founder of the Military Spouse Education Initiative, to learn more about what is being done to help out military spouses facing this issue. We were surprised to learn that 27 percent of respondents to a Blue Star survey have faced some type of complication in renewing or applying for an employment license when moving across state lines.

With these high numbers in mind, Michelle Obama met with governors of all states as part of the Joining Forces initiative in February to express the need for legislation aimed at simplifying and expediting this process for military spouses to ensure our nation gives ample opportunity to employ those who are sacrificing so much already.

Easing Licensing Burdens

Twenty-six states have since passed legislation to help military spouses keep licensure across state lines — most recently, North Carolina on July 17. While this impressive and a great first step, Strzalkowski is hoping that the remaining states follow in their footsteps by drafting and passing legislation soon.

The Department of Defense has also released examples of a number of initiatives and rule changes that best ease the process for military spouses. Everything from licensure by endorsement to temporary licensing are meant to ease the financial burden on military families as well as expedite the generally time consuming process.

Curbing Unemployment

Bianca is hoping that public awareness of the sacrifices made by our nation’s military families as well as helpful legislation passed on a state-by-state basis can stop military spouse unemployment by simplifying the process of obtaining gainful employment.

For information concerning where your state stands on passing legislation concerning military spouse employment, check out this interactive map from the Department of Defense.

Photo courtesy Sean MacEntee

Veteran Military Wife authors her blog, Life Lessons of a Military Wife.

You might have read Life Lessons of a Military Wife blog before, but you probably aren’t too familiar with the blogger and military spouse behind the military and life advice. The blog’s author, who chooses to be known as Veteran Military Wife and currently lives in Germany, was once in the military herself, so she approaches her blogging with expertise and understanding of the service.

She shares some of her experiences regarding life, deployment and marriage below.

Christiana Nielson:  Can you tell me how your blog got started?

Veteran Military Wife:  I like to write and have been writing mostly for myself. When I was in the Army, I published a book on basic training. After its success, I realized I just genuinely like to teach and help people. Since I spent a lot of time in Germany and as a military wife, I thought that could be my niche.

CN:  When and why did you move to Germany?

VMW:  This is our third tour in Germany. We had one in Belgium, and the rest were stateside. My first tour over here was when I was a soldier in 1990! I’m not from anywhere because I am an army brat. My mother was German, and my dad was an American stationed over here.

CN:  Tell me a little about yourself.

VMW:  I’m married with two teenage sons. I love to read, travel and of course, write.

CN:  Is your husband currently deployed? How many times has he been deployed?

VMW:  He is not currently deployed. He has been deployed more times than I have fingers and has been regularly deploying before most people knew what that word meant. He has 20+ years in.

CN:  Were you surprised by his deployment, or were you expecting it?

VMW:  We had some of both, but after so many deployments, you learn what to do.

CN:  What were the biggest adjustments you had to make regarding your relationship, family and schedule during deployment?

VMW:  You learn to be very independent and make family decisions on your own. I still try to get input from my husband for the big things, if I can get a hold of him. Thankfully we think alike, and what I think is the right call is typically what he would choose. Communication is always key. Before he goes anywhere, we sit down and talk about our wants, needs and vision for our family.

CN:  What is the hardest part about deployment?

VMW:  The nights and going to bed are the hardest. That was always our time. Plus, sometimes you just get tired and occasionally want to feel sorry for yourself until you think of single moms who are totally on their own. Then the pity party immediately stops for me.

CN:  From whom do you get support while he’s gone?

VMW:  Mostly by phone, email and Facebook from family and friends worldwide. That’s the great thing about military life; you have friends all over. I also usually have one good friend where we are stationed, and we lean on each other. I was always active in our Family Readiness Group mostly helping, but I’ve found that helping others is one of the best ways to help yourself during a deployment. It feels good to help others and also gives you a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. You are making a difference in others’ lives.

CN:  What have you learned about yourself and your relationship throughout the process of deployment? Do you think your relationship became stronger because of it?

VMW:  I think our relationship has grown stronger. We both grow and mature immensely during that time. I always strive, too, to stay busy by volunteering and learning something new.

CN:  Was deployment what you thought it would be, or was it different?

VMW:  I have the advantage of knowing what it’s like at least somewhat on his end because I was a soldier myself. I am very sensitive to his side of the process. Not all spouses have that luxury, but I encourage spouses to ask about their military spouses’ jobs and make an effort to show interest and get to know those he works with.

CN:  What advice would you give other military spouses in your position?

VMW:  Definitely do what I do above! You have to stay busy. Even a full time job, going to school, volunteering or a hobby will do wonders for making the time go by faster and really making you feel good about yourself and feeling strong. It’s also good to be independent. It will make your husband proud if you can hold your own.

CN:  Is there anything else I should know about you, your work or military life?

VMW:  For new military spouses especially, military life can be really overwhelming at first. When a whole sentence can be spoken in acronyms, you might already want to give up. Know also that those senior officers and enlisted spouses all were once in your shoes and knew very little or next to nothing about military life. Being a military spouse is a process. Even the military realizes this, and many bases and posts have classes and events that are resources for newcomers. Get out there and get involved!

Photo courtesy of Veteran Military Wife

As Sarah takes you through her journey, I guarantee you will find some of yourself in the pages.

I get asked so often for a list of recommended books for Military Spouses that I thought I would create a Military Spouse Reading List, just for our readers! Every month I will feature a few books on our Reading list and review them for you. Hopefully you will wind up with a whole new list of books to read, from novels to practical resources.

The first book on my Military Spouse Reading List is the first book I read as a military spouse, and it still has remained my absolute favorite many books later. If you are a newer military spouse and you read just one book for military spouses, you must read Going Overboard: The Misadventures of a Military Wife by Sarah Smiley, the wife of a Navy servicemember.

The book is a true story that I read cover to cover in just a few days. It is about Sarah Smiley’s first deployment and how she handles, and mishandles the homefront. She is endearing, honest, funny and down to earth.

Sarah is a Navy brat but she realizes very quickly that being the daughter of an admiral is very different than being married to the military. She feels cheated, thinking that she should have felt more prepared for her husband’s deployment to Iraq, since she has been military all her life.

Sarah’s husband is Dustin, a Navy pilot and long-time sweetheart who she practically grew up with. One of the most endearing parts of this book is that Sarah is not afraid to talk about her difficulties. She shares problems learning to live with Dustin as a newlywed couple and how even at home their communication seems to suffer. Sarah bares her feelings of neediness and simultaneously her shame in feeling so dependent. She is upfront with the fact that she is not completely ready for her husband to be half a world away.  She is not afraid to talk about her roller coaster of emotions: from sad, angry and bitter to happy, triumphant and secure in herself.

Sarah faced her first deployment with a two-year-old and a newborn. Like most military spouses, she often felt alone, abandoned and scared. The book is truly a lesson in confidence, as Sarah discovers that the biggest thing holding her back was a fear that she was not a good enough mother to handle things by herself. In Sarah I found that I could see myself. Her friendships change as she gets married and even her married military friends sometimes don’t see eye to eye.

She struggles to learn her support system — who she should call for what? who can she depend on? — but I found that I was able to reevaluate my own friendships just by watching Sarah learn her way around. Sarah learned that she had that call-at-4-a.m. friends and she had some go-out-just-for-fun-and-forget-about-stuff friends. They don’t always have to be the same people.

Sarah’s infrequent and unsatisfying communication with her husband even makes her question her marriage. This is a scary one. I never like to think about this happening but for many of us, it does. We go through uncertainties, and sometimes communication is does no go well even when we are in the same room with our spouse. The brilliant part is reading through the heartache and coming out in the end, where you realize that perhaps the journey made all the difference.

As Sarah takes you through her journey, I guarantee you will find some of yourself in the pages, and the best part is watching her stumble through, even though the jumble of mishaps never seems to end, it all seems to fit together in the end.

 Photo courtesy Sarah Smiley

“Montego Bay, Jamaica… Best day of my life” – Liz Cartwright

Your wedding day is a magical celebration of love and commitment with the people who care most about you. If you and/or your spouse is serving our country, you know how the military becomes your life and your lifestyle. Adding the right touches to your military-inspired wedding is a great way to add your personality, and it can also make the big day more meaningful to you both.

The possibilities are endless. You can do anything from something subtle that only the two of you will know about, or you can incorporate military traditions into your ceremony and reception. At the end of the day, your wedding will be a reflection of you, and these tips can make your day more important to you and your guests.

Make your military-inspired wedding magical with these simple tips.

• If you are going to incorporate military touches that everyone will witness or be a part of, consider making a cheat sheet to explain these traditions, and set them on each table. It will help your civilian guests feel a part of your day, as well as get to know that side of your life.
• Have a military emblem in the bride’s bouquet to have a subtle reminder with you at the altar.
• Have your cake toppers represent who you really are, and what you look like on your wedding day. Doing a pose that conveys your personality or having the groom in his dress uniform will set the tone for the entire day.
• Many couples will go with a red, white and blue color scheme for their reception. To put a twist on America’s classic colors, substitute a different hue. Try a navy or coral blue, or scarlet instead of red, to bring in your own personality.
• A simple secret military touch to add is a military emblem or charm on her garter. There are some intricate ones for every branch on Etsy, or you make your own if you are the crafty type.
• Literally tie the knot at the altar together. Any military man or woman should know how to tie a fisherman’s knot. It’s used to join two lengths of rope and it only gets stronger under pressure.
• A memorable tradition for a military wedding is cutting the cake with a sword or saber. The bride does the honors with the grooms right hand on top of hers.
• Use appropriate titles and rank for your invitations. This is mostly to respect the service members.

Incorporate military traditions like this military arch wherever you can.

Don’t get caught up in all the expectations of what a wedding should be. Think of what is most important to you as a couple, and spend your money making the day memorable and meaningful for you and your guests.

The wedding is the first step for a long, happy marriage. Rachel Nuss, a Military Spouse Central community member, sums it up best: “I never get tired of talking about our fairytale, (and) even if it’s laced with stress and distance, he’s my knight in shining combat boots.”

Photos courtesy of Liz Cartwright, Rachel Nuss and Kelan Wieloch.

The Lopez family on vacation.

Our recent interview with Everett Lopez revealed some of the difficulties associated with being a man in the predominately female community of military spouses.

Military husbands can be saddled with gender stereotyping, discrimination and insufficient support on top of the strain of deployments, PCSing and military life.

With 11 years as a military spouse, three years as a father and four big moves under his belt, Everett had some great advice to give to military spouses, especially husbands.

Flexibility

Between the constant moving and last-minute changes, the military lifestyle is full of hurry-up-and-wait moments. It’s best to go into military life expecting constant change and preparing yourself to roll with the punches rather than have a last-minute change get you down.

Adaptation

It seems the only way to adjust to change is to live it.  The first time you and your family are faced with a PCS, it may seem overwhelming, but just remember that you’ll get through it and settle down again. Each move will get easier as you figure out everything you’ll need to do and what to expect.

Support

This is especially valuable advice for a male military spouse. Expectation and stereotypes lead many men to think that husbands should take control of all family decisions. But Everett and other male military spouses often work behind the scenes to keep everything running, even if the spotlight is on someone else.

Combining flexibility, a positive outlook and a supportive personality can help new military spouses start on the right foot.

Everett Lopez’s 11-year journey as a male military spouse has included stereotypes, insufficient support and isolation.

Everett Lopez is an exception within the exception.

He’s a male military spouse, whose ranks account for just 7 percent of all military spouses. Beyond that, he’s a male military spouse with a private sector career, an even rarer combination.

While he’s proud of his wife and of his role, his 11-year journey as a military spouse has been marked at times by stereotypes, insufficient support and isolation.

I got the chance to interview Everett, who is active at Military Spouse Central, about his experiences as a military husband. After hearing his story, it became clear that military and civilian readers alike can perhaps gain a new perspective about what it means to be a military spouse.

Support

Everett has been a military husband for 11 years and has experienced the best and worst of marrying into the military. Everett, his wife and 3-year-old daughter currently live in Jacksonville, Fla., where his wife is in a Medical Enlisted Commissioning Program.

Many military spouses will tell you the most important thing to do when joining the military is to find a friend or a community to get involved with. Unfortunately for many male military spouses, these communities are either exclusively for women or generally uncomfortable with having a military husband added to the mix.

Because military husband groups are very rare, Everett has tried to reach out and connect to the military spouse community in general.

While stationed in North Carolina, Everett ran into some problems joining up with a group of Marine wives who felt unsure about his intentions.

Career & Family

In addition to institutionalized ideas about military husbands, Everett faces many negative stereotypes as a man working in childcare. Starting out as a high school marching band instructor back in Southern California, he moved to childcare when his wife PCSed to Gaeta, Italy, with the Navy. He has worked at child development centers on bases everywhere from Italy to California during four different moves.

Despite the difficulties in finding open communities, Everett hasn’t given up and looks for new groups all the time. When I asked how he goes about looking for groups, he said it’s as easy as searching keywords like male military spouse, your base and branch and seeing what comes up. Everett has also taken an active role in trying to form a group in Jacksonville.

Although attempts to form groups often fall through, the hope is to emulate one of the most successful military dad’s groups Everett has come across, MANning The Homefront. Everett is currently in talks with the group to start a Jacksonville branch. The group is based at Fort Riley, Ks. and gets together from time to time to play paintball, have barbecues or just hang out. Groups like this make finding friends easier, which is important for male military spouses who can be excluded from support groups.

Although Everett has experienced more than his fair share of hardships marrying into the military, the best part about talking with him is his great attitude. Through the setbacks and stigmas he continues to look for new ways to connect.

As always, our military spouse and family Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest communities are open to everyone. We encourage military husbands, wives, parents, children, friends and loved ones to join in with their questions, answers, advice and support.

Picking an outfit for homecoming is all about making sure you feel attractive, comfortable and confident!I am typically a pretty low-maintenance girl who takes pride in having wash-and-wear hair and getting ready to go out in 20 minutes flat. When homecoming rolls around, all of that changes.

Suddenly, I transform into a woman I hardly know who frets and throws tantrums over dresses that “are all bunchy in all the wrong places.” I fall into the traps of I-have-nothing-to-wear and I-look-awful-in-everything-I-put-on.

It is important to remember that your welcome will be a great one, no matter what you wear. Your service member misses you. Homecoming is about love and you can’t do love wrong. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with picking out a special outfit for homecoming and doing a little extra primping for your service member. The extra effort can help show significant others they’re special.

Over the last year lots of military spouses have asked me for advice on what to wear for homecoming. I am not a fashion expert, but here are some of my suggestions, examples, ideas and tips gathered from the military homecomings I ‘ve seen.

Love it: Flirty

I always warn against overtly sexy outfits. Homecoming celebrations are public events; anyone from the commander to small children and news media could be present. Even if you have it, homecoming is not the place to flaunt it. That does not mean you have to wear a sack! You still want to feel attractive and look your best. Aim for “Flirty” instead of “Sexy.”

What if you want to run into their arms? Be practical.

Leave it: Impractical

There are lots of things to consider. Where will homecoming take place? I say an absolute no to dresses and stockings in the winter. I just won’t do it. If you’re having homecoming at a pier the wind can be very gusty so consider that when picking out a skirt. Homecoming celebrations can be delayed by several hours so make sure you can comfortably stand around in whatever you’re wearing.

Love it: Get dolled up

Consider this your free pass to get your hair done, your eyebrows waxed, new makeup, a spray tan, manicure and pedicure and whatever else! This is a special occasion. Besides, you saved all that money when your spouse was gone on personal grooming products like razors and shaving cream (Kidding, mostly).

Leave it: Over the top

Love a good patriotic color scheme!

Most homecomings are pretty casual. Dresses are appropriate, but this isn’t a ball gown occasion. Excessive jewelry, makeup and over-the-top outfits stand out in a not-so-good way. Keep it simple, classic and realistic. Don’t try too hard.

Love it: Patriotic

It’s perfectly acceptable to tap into the feeling of the day. Patriotic touches help make some of my favorite outfits.

Leave it: Camo or uniform themes

I don’t actually have any outfits in ACU patterns, and I wouldn’t recommend wearing any uniform-themed outfit to homecoming. Your spouse has spent the last (fill in the blank) number of months looking at those uniforms — the last thing he or she wants to see is more of the same on their significant other.

The exception here is for kids: The miniature uniforms are heartbreakers and adorable on  almost any child!

You can’t pull off the uniform look, but your kids can.

Love it: DIY T-shirts

I’ve noticed this much more in recent years. People will order custom T-shirts with personal messages, use iron-ons or fabric paint or even order a deployment homecoming T-shirt from an online retailer like Zazzle. It can be a fun way to express yourself and really personalize your outfit.

Be sure to check out more tips on homecoming from other military spouses in Part 1: Military Spouses Share Tips for a Successful Homecoming!

Photos courtesy of Official US Navy Imagery, Castaway Vintage, Markusram and the California National Guard