According to the research, “when the average, non-military American thinks about the United States’ conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, he or she generally associates the stressors and casualties of the wars with the active-duty services members.”

Contrary to these findings, the spouses typically endure comparable amounts of stress, but their health care needs are often obscured by a primary concern for the soldier. Fortunately, reliance on self-care and spousal support can offer a viable means to cope.

Taking up a hobby, such as yoga, is just one way to recharge.

Do Something For Yourself

“Many of us worry about putting ourselves first. We worry we’re being selfish or we’re not living up to our duties as a spouse,” Deployment Diva blogger Jessica Aycock writes. “In life, there has to be a balance of give and take. Think about the last time you did something for yourself.”

Spouselink.org, a website dedicated to connecting military spouses through “supportive, informative, and inspiring” articles, cites self-care as a basic need to efficiently manage the stress. Even taking a few minutes a day to relax can be beneficial. Starting a hobby, such as yoga, taking a nap, or taking a walk can also provide an outlet to recharge, supplying the energy necessary to handle the highs and lows of the military life.

Proactive, Not Reactive

Another way to reduce stress is to learn how to be proactive rather than reactive. If the same cycle of challenges are the cause of frustration, it may be possible to mentally prepare in advance. First, take a look at expectations – are they realistic? Second, accept what cannot be changed. Especially in repetitive situations, these preventative measures can drastically reduce stress by knowing what to expect.

Finding a “Battle Buddy” can perhaps be the greatest savior of spousal sanity during a significant other’s deployment. Connecting with fellow military spouses is easier than ever, with countless online groups and blogs dedicated to supporting one another. Military.com, an online organization that even offers a “Buddy Finder” feature, praises military spouse friends for their ability to understand and relate without judgement.

“Bottom line: They just get it. There is no explaining things in detail, there is no need to have to call out for help; MilSpouses just know, they understand, they empathize, and they will listen and try to help without being asked.”

Stick With Other Military Spouses

Various readers rang in on the importance of befriending other military spouses, with reasons of reliable and unconditional support, valuable mentor insight, and even comic relief. While military life isn’t exactly funny, sometimes a good laugh can be a hearty reminder not to take everything so seriously.

Army spouse Kay Wise writes about the MilSpouses that embody each of these qualities. The “Hooah” spouse is reliable; this is the person that will be willing to help in whatever way possible at any given time. The “Seasoned” spouse is experienced and knowledgeable, always ready to give advice. Got a question? If this spouse doesn’t know the answer, he or she will know someone who does. The “Friend” spouse is perhaps the closest – one to trust and call for a shoulder to cry on.

Not only is there no better reason to take the time for some self-appreciation, there’s no one more deserving.

Photo courtesy Tomas Sobek

Here are six things to consider to maintain a friendship strained by the election season.

How do you maintain or mend a friendship strained by the election season?

1) Remember the Foundation

Remember what it was that brought you and your friend together in the first place. Out of all of my friendships, it’s my shared interests with my friends that helped to begin them. Perhaps it’s a shared experience that helped forge a bond.

2) What Defines Your Friend?

Politics does not completely define who we are. So, remember that your friend is not defined completely by their political stance and neither are you. It might help to sit down and write down all of the good qualities your friend possesses.

3) Good Humor

The friends we can laugh with the most are usually our closest friends. Try to find humorous things about politics you can share. Plus, it helps to have a sense of humor about most things political.

4) What You Can Control

Like with most relationships, the only thing you can really control is how you behave. Maybe your friend said some hurtful things, or they made some political comments that really got under your skin. Perhaps you might need some space from that person. After a brief respite you can rekindle your friendship. All the while, you can take small steps to show your friend that you still care about them.

5) Apologize

If you are the friend who said hurtful things, then apologizing would help towards a reunion. Again, some distance might be necessary as well to help the waters settle.

6) Respect

Above all, respect is the key issue. Keep in mind that you cannot change your friend’s mind and that they are an adult who is able to make informed decisions. You might learn that politics is an issue that both of you need to avoid discussing. Again, concentrate on what it is that brings you together.

Photo courtesy wickenden

If you’re curious as to whether you contribute to rankism or are interested in changing your perspective, here are some signs and solutions:

Military spouse soon find out that in the military rank can seep into everything in military communities, even when it shouldn’t.

Signs

New military spouses probably won’t find the term “rankism” in the dictionary. But many would argue it’s long been a part of military life. Consider it discrimination toward other military spouses based on the rank of their significant other. Discriminatory actions aren’t always done in an overt, drastic way.

Consider these examples:

• Avoiding a friendship or military events because of rank
• Expecting spouses of higher-ranked service members to take on more volunteer work and installation responsibilities.
• Expecting spouses of lower-ranked service members to take a follower role without the ability to offer any input.
• Only talking to spouses whose significant others are of the same rank.
• Resentment toward more expensive clothing, cars, houses for the higher-paid spouses.
• Conflict or anger toward high-rank perks such as certain parking spots or housing.

Solutions

The concept of rankism has been noted in scores of fields and industries with any form of social hierarchy. Combating stereotypes and seeking multiple perspectives can be key when it comes to breaking through this invasive issue. Here are a few things to consider:

• Nice and mean spouses come with every rank. Paying attention to rank can cause you to lose an opportunity for a great friend or force you into unhealthy relationships.
• Higher-ranked service members may have a lengthier time spent in the military community and probably have taken on a lot of responsibilities in that time. Their spouse also likely supported them while attaining higher ranks. In a sense, they have earned the perks of the rank.
• Assuming pretentious or jealous attitudes can be counterproductive until you actually meet and talk to the person.
• Lower rank does not mean low class. Spouses should not pretend newly enlisted, or those with less time, are invisible and not an asset to the community.
• While service members have to respect the meaning of ranks, their actions should not transfer to the character of their spouse. If a commander has to discipline personnel of a lower rank and causes a sense of belittling, that does not mean his or her spouse is the same.

Photo courtesy of NYCMarines and Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson

I typically try to avoid conversations about politics but being a military spouse seems to demand that everyone to ask or even assume your opinion on everything from the 99% movement to the price of milk. Having a spouse put their life on the line for this country give you every reason to have strong feelings. But non-military families likely have no clue how you feel, so your convictions may not be clear or make sense to them.

In the end, how you handle talking politics is up to you. But whether you want to engage in the debates or remain tacit, here are a few tips worth reading.

Inviting conversation

Some non-military people feel compelled to share their opinions when they realize or see they’re talking to a military family. For instance, if you’re out with your service member who’s in uniform, a stranger might approach you and start spouting their beliefs. Your service member didn’t mean to solicit the conversation, but it’s happening. Chances are your service member won’t want to say anything, but you might feel comfortable interjecting.
“I have always just said, because of what my husband does for a living, you are allowed to stand up and say whatever,” military wife Heather Winters told us on our facebook page. That’s not to suggest that you look for heated debates, but when they present themselves you don’t have to fear involvement. Having a “canned” statement that you can use to respond to people who bring up politics can be very helpful in this situation.

Remain civil

Steer away from attacking people as it will only stigmatize you and other military families. Be as civil as you would be if you were talking to a child. Everybody gets emotional and passionate during intense conversations—and military families are entitled to passion—but make an effort to not raise your voice, cut people off or ignore what they say.
“When I do speak my mind I listen to everyone else’s opinion, but most of the time it doesn’t change mine,” Holly Ray Telles, a military wife, said. Discussions do not need to end with you or your peer debater changing your beliefs, but it never hurts to learn others’ perspectives to affirm or develop yours.

Keep quiet by choice

Some of our Military Spouse Central readers choose not to talk about politics unless they’re around friendly company. It comes down to not wanting to talk about serious topics with strangers. “I usually avoid (politics) because people simply cannot discuss them calmly,” said Brandy Wicinski. “There is a complete inability to be objective.”

In other cases, it may be difficult for you to control your emotions. Ashley Schwab said, “I try not to discuss (politics) in public because I have such a strong opinion when it comes to it, but I have a bad temper and tend to get mad too easily when people put politicians on a pedestal.”

For you to decide

It’s up to you on what you do and do not say. Some spouses prefer the traditional style of never talking about politics, religion or money outside of their home. Meanwhile, others feel free to exercise their right since they’re husband or wife is defending it abroad. No matter what you choose, try following Military Spouse Central reader Jesica Michelle’s advice: “Whatever I say I always try to be level-headed and calm.”
Photo thanks to longislandrose via Flickr Creative Commons

Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop people from claiming they understand as they try to counsel you. When Military Spouse Central, hosted by Veterans United, inquired on facebook about the most hurtful things military spouses have heard, an overwhelming number of responses mentioned things said about deployments.

You knew what you were signing up for. Get over it. My husband goes away on business trips all of the time. You must think about him dying all of the time.

Sound familiar? These comments can be hurtful and frustrating, but there are ways to maintain your mood as you approach the challenges of distance.

Keep Competition Out of the Emotion

There is no question that there are differences between your neighbor’s spouse leaving town for a week and your spouse going on a year-long tour of duty. There is also no denying your neighbor’s entitlement to miss their spouse. Sometimes conflict will arise when spouses try to define that entitlement by declaring their situation as better or worse.

On the Journey of a Navy Wife blog, spouses had a great discussion surrounding the “one-up” mentality of missing someone. One commenter who posted under the name Sailor Bride said: “I hate the one upper. Significant others are ALWAYS trying to one up each other–because they miss them more, they’re gone longer, their job is more dangerous, or they have children, so they’re entitled to miss them more.”

Each situation has its own challenges, but rather than argue about the severity of each situation, try to meet each other on the level of caring for someone to the extent of missing them.

Enable Yourself to Miss

Missing someone does not make you weak and was definitely not a right you signed away when you supported your spouse’s decision to enlist.

“I hate when you talk about missing your husband and people say, ‘Well, you knew he was going to get deployed.’ Yeah, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. It’s very insensitive,” said Sara Holycross, a reader from Military Family Central.

To miss someone is to realize you’re without access to a significant support of your wants and needs. It’s a natural response, so rather than let people make you feel weak or bad for telling them you miss a person, embrace the reality that you have a very special bond with your spouse in which many won’t experience in the same way.

Telling Spouses They’re Missed 

If you’re without access to chat, email, Skype or other communication tools, and you just need a way to cope with missing your significant other, try finding a fun way to tell them you miss them. Consider:

• Write a letter for every day or send a creative care package
• Deck out a calendar or create another system for the both of you to count the days until you reunite (tentative of course).
• Buy or create little “souvenirs” throughout the day to show that they were a part of it all
• Create fun photos/stories through Photoshop or compiling your images
• Seek refuge in an article of their clothing, blanket or favorite location and send a picture with happy memories you recall