And that insight can amount to a lot of unique feelings that come with being married to the military. How do milspouses cope with love, loss and leaving?

Ali still wanted to send out a family photo in their yearly Christmas card even though they were spending the holidays apart. We love her creative idea!

“My husband, Trevor, missed his sister’s wedding during his first deployment. I know it’s still hard for him when he thinks about missing it.  It’s hard for his sister, too,“ she said. An issue constantly affecting military spouses and service members alike is learning how to deal with missing big events.

A fine line must be straddled between being open enough so there is no resentment without bringing it up so much no one can move past it. It seems the best course of action is to be open with your feelings without dwelling on a negative event and focus on something positive.

“For the last New Year’s he missed, I still went to a party with friends and had him on FaceTime on my phone all night.  (My phone) was passed around and he got to talk to everyone at the party and we rang in the New Year together the best way we could.”

It’s this kind of dedication to making things work that keeps spirits high, even when someone can’t be there for something big, but you can’t always pull off the best surprises alone. Ali enlisted the help of her husband’s friends to help celebrate their third wedding anniversary.

“A friend of ours, who was also deployed at the time, came up with the idea to throw Trevor a surprise anniversary party and have me on video chat,” she said. “About 10 guys got together and grilled…and had me on video chat.  It was morning here, so I made myself a nice, big breakfast and a mimosa.  Even though we were on opposite sides of the planet, it was a very special anniversary that neither of us will ever forget!”

“We’ve never had a problem making an important event special regardless of circumstances.”

Every Event is a Big Event

It’s not the big stuff that gets Gibbs, it’s the little stuff. And lots of little events can add up. She confides in the community she has around her to cheer her up.

“Any event missed by a deployed service member seems like a big one to me,” says Gibbs. “When my best friend was deployed with her husband, I went along on their son’s preschool field trip to the local food co-op.  I don’t know that any parent would see that as a major event in their child’s life, but when neither mom nor dad can go, it’s a big event.”

Sharing Your Story

Gibbs’ blog has been a great help to getting past these military hurdles.

“Some of the longer, more popular military-related posts were sparked from speaking with our state chaplain,” she said. “He reminded me those struggles are so common and other families could surely benefit from hearing our story and encouraged us to write about it so we did.”

The blog has grown over several years to include several crucial life moments like missed events, getting engaged, deployment, reintegration and most recently, having a baby.

“I guess, at the end of the day, this is our life and I love it.  We have met some wonderful people, learned some very important lessons, and become such a strong couple.  Our ability to effectively and respectfully communicate with each other is second to none,” said Gibbs.

Photos courtesy of Ali Gibbs

Want a flirty photo to give your service member during an upcoming deployment? Try on some of these saucy outfits for an extra kick.

Rosie the Riveter inspired outfits have a patriotic feel.

Get a vintage vibe

Vintage photography and fashion are all about the details.

Little touches like floral hairpins, cat-eye glasses or a strand of pearls are a great way to give a casual nod to 1950s fashion. Scour your local vintage shops — especially those that boast a large selection of costume jewelry — and online shops specializing in secondhand, such as eBay, Etsy and Ruby Lane.

If you’re ready to really commit to a retro look — or are planning a pin-up style photo shoot — there are a few other pieces you’ll need to pick up.

For the playful pin-up, search for halter tops with a sweetheart neckline, high-waisted shorts or capris and a pair of espadrilles. Short-sleeved button-ups and three-quarter-sleeved cardigans are also crucial for casual wear.

Channel a bit of old Hollywood glamor for a sultrier look. Try a body-hugging wiggle dress — one that tapers from hips to hemline — or a pencil skirt to accentuate an hourglass figure. For a more figure-forgiving option, try a circle skirt with crinoline. The fullness will make your waist look narrower.

Dressier options should be worn with sheer black stockings, round-toed pumps and an elegant pair of elbow-length gloves.

Shopping for true vintage pieces can be expensive and exhausting. If you do choose to go this route, prepare to invest a good amount of time, energy and money into your outfit. Most vintage pieces will need to be expertly tailored for a more flattering fit. On the other hand, you’ll wind up with a garment that no one else has.

In addition to local vintage shops, there are a number of online shopping options. In addition to the sites mentioned above, be sure to check out sites such as Rusty Zipper, Art Fire and Nelda’s Vintage.

Fortunately, the rising popularity of pin-up fashion has made it increasingly easy to find vintage-inspired garments at affordable prices. Check out sites such as ModCloth, Heartbreaker Fashion and Bettie Page.

Imitate retro intimates

If your photo shoot is more foxy than family-friendly, you might be in the market for some vintage-inspired lingerie. Once again, look for pieces that enhance your natural shape. A corset will cinch your waistline, while a bustier-style bra will boost your bust. Pair with high-waisted briefs — a popular ’50s style — for flattering and full coverage. Pin-up girls were also big fans of hosiery. Check out this excellent review of the various options from The Everyday Pinup Girl.

Your best bet when shopping for old-school unmentionables? Visit a specialty bra shop or department store with a bra-fitting specialist. Explain the look you’re trying to achieve and let them help you with precise body measurements. A perfect fit will go a long way toward achieving pin-up appeal.

Feel confident taking your own measurements? Try online retailers such as Dollhouse Betty, which offers a huge selection of vintage and vintage-inspired lingerie.

Here are a few more looks we put together:

Photo courtesy mark sebastian

The result is that moving frequently can take its toll on the family, and although its members might grow accustomed to the process, adjusting to life in a new city is always gradual at first.

So when a military family not only has to move, but move overseas, the adjusting period is amplified by multiple factors, such as unfamiliarity, language and culture. How, then, do military families adjust to living overseas?

Military families have to adjust to life overseas.

It might not be easy, but there are certainly ways to help military families and spouses feel more at home in a foreign country. According to Military Hub, “The United States military has troops deployed in nearly 130 countries around the world performing a variety of duties.” Lesson No. 1 is that if you’re a military family living abroad, you are not alone. The knowledge that countless other families have gone through this should be encouraging.

Another way for military families to adjust is to take advantage of support, services and encouragement available from a particular service branch. Plentiful resources exist within U.S. bases abroad, and they are ready to help.

Outside the bases, the cultural differences will become more apparent. According to Best World Travel Destinations, misunderstandings can occur due to these differences. Military families will adjust to another culture better by making an effort to learn the common cultural practices of their new location including body language and eating. Language can be a bigger issue at times, unless the foreign country is primarily English-speaking. To deal with this, it is best to learn the most common words and phrases of the language, even if it takes a little time. This will help families in the long run to navigate the city smoothly.

One military spouse who is quite versed in adjusting to living overseas is Air Force wife, Heather Blackman. She and her husband are currently at Spangdahlem Air Base in Germany for their very first duty station. Her husband finished Air Force basic training and school in late July, and the couple moved to Germany in August, so she knows what it’s like to have to move quickly and far.

“We actually PCS’ed expecting our first child,” Blackman said. “Honestly, moving to a different country can be very nerve-wracking and a little scary because you’re not sure what to expect. Upon arriving here, we have met different people who are very friendly and always willing to help. It’s basically a life saver as you’re trying to settle into somewhere new and different. We actually are having to visit a hospital off-base to see an OB, but the doctors and staff are very friendly, informative and caring.”

Even though a country overseas can seem intimidating, people will want to help you adjust, which can make the process much easier. If you have children, schooling for them will depend on the location. Some cities that have good educational systems, according to Best World Travel Destinations, might require children to go to a local school, where they will also likely learn the local language. Other cities might have schools set up on the military base by the Department of Defense. The DoD Education Activity will ensure schooling arrangements are made.

As far as housing, it takes time to adjust like the other aspects of living abroad. “Moving into a new house and settling into a new life can be frightening or exciting; I feel like it’s best to go with the most positive feeling so you don’t get so homesick,” Blackman said.

“While it may be harder for some than others, it really is a great experience. Being introduced into a new culture and even a different way of living is such an amazing opportunity that not everyone is blessed with. You can almost definitely learn patience, since there is a language barrier with some. Just being aware of someone else’s way of life is an eye opener.”

Photo courtesy of jim.greenhill

So the next best thing is to get creative with the methods through which you say “I love you.” Here are several creative things you can do from the home front that serve that purpose.

Get creative to communicate “I love you” to your deployed spouse.

Girl Scout Cookies

Who doesn’t love them? Because your spouse is away and won’t have access to the delicious cookies, send his or her favorite type, a little piece of home. Even send extra boxes for your spouse to share, according to Baseguide. If your spouse doesn’t like these cookies, send his or her favorite snack to say “I love you.”

Love mugs

It’s a postcard, but better. Send your spouse a Postcup from Bailey Doesn’t Bark. That’s right, you write a message on the cup with a porcelain pen and send it to your spouse as a creative way of sending them love. Not only will they have a nice cup to drink out of, but they will also read your note on it every time they use it.

Take on a project

Perhaps your spouse started a project at home that was not finished before deployment. Even though the project might not be your cup of tea, take it over and make it your goal to finish it by the next time they return. According to Baseguide, ask your spouse’s friends for the best ways to do a certain project if you’re not sure. This act of selflessness will say “I love you” when your spouse comes home.

Photo book

If you’d prefer to send something that doesn’t require words, a photo book is a creative way to visually say “I love you.” Include photos from all stages of your relationship to create a memory book that your spouse can look at to refresh those memories.

Make a movie

According to Baseguide, you can take the photo idea even further by sending your spouse a video compiling clips from you and your spouse’s other loved ones. Have family and friends record a short video expressing their support for your spouse and put the videos all together to make a live montage of the people important to your spouse.

Get crafty

If you’re crafty, don’t be shy — your spouse will love a homemade craft from you and your children. Better Homes and Gardens lists thirty different crafts that say “I love you,” and will make perfect gifts to send to your spouse. Included are an I-love-you-notes jar, knitting kit, a pocket pillow and more.

Poetry

Sometimes all that’s necessary is good old fashioned poetry. It’s more creative than an ordinary letter, and it shows you put a good deal of effort and thought into what you said. Your spouse will love receiving an original poem from you describing all the reasons why you love him or her.

Treasure Box

Finally, a creative way to send your love is through a treasure box. This box should be filled with small things — little reminders from the past, present and future that hold significant meaning for both of you. Because your spouse won’t have much storage room, the smaller the better. But your spouse will be able to look at the mementos frequently and have a concrete way of staying connected to you while deployed.

Photo courtesy of Jeff Kubina

Whether or not spouses have children, deployment is a time when habits and behaviors tend to change temporarily, both out of necessity and out of choice.

Christine Lay with her son, Jamey, and husband, Andrew.

These changes can either relate to mundane chores or overall lifestyle patterns. The changes for spouses at home during deployment can include tasks such as taking out the garbage, getting kids ready for school and cooking meals. Changes regarding lifestyle can include sleeping habits, running family finances, picking up a new hobby and getting a part-time job.

Some spouses, like this military spouse, might sleep in later than usual or need background noise, such as a movie, to fall asleep. She also describes how it is difficult to find the resolve to cook full meals when her spouse is gone because leftovers would spoil.

Of course, some changes might not be negative. If spouses have different driving styles, the spouse at home might enjoy being able to drive a certain way or wear certain clothes he or she might not typically wear when the service member is home.

Getting used to the lifestyle changes, however, might take more time. “When Andrew was gone, our whole world changed,” said military spouse Christine Lay. “I was a single mom. That takes a toll after a little while.”

Lay said that in order to keep busy, she would spend time with other wives by going to the commissary, going out to lunch and letting their children play. She also said her husband usually took out the garbage when he was home, so she would often forget to take it out until there were three or four bags sitting by her kitchen door.

“My bond with my friends became tighter,” Lay said. “The friends I’ve made here at Fort Bliss are friends I will never forget or lose touch with. There are always those days where you feel like you can’t do it anymore, and that’s when you need that little pick-me-up from those friends, and that’s what they are there for.”

For Veteran Military Wife, author of Life Lessons of a Military Wife blog, her main habit changes dealt with everyday tasks and communication. “I run the household and the finances anyway, so the only change for us when he is gone is that we sometimes like to ‘play hookey’,” she said. “We’ll do things like eat breakfast for dinner or stay up late when we really shouldn’t. I’m also more lenient on the kids but probably shouldn’t be!”

Because her husband is not in areas where he can easily talk on the phone or Skype, they resort to email for the majority of their communication. They share daily updates, advice and interesting pictures or stories.

Whether significant or not, changes in habits and behavior are sure to result from deployment. Figuring out what works best when those habits change is the key to a successful deployment, relationship and family.

Photo courtesy of Christine Lay

Friendship can deepen your relationship with your spouse.

Marriage, if it is going to last, is about more than just being in love. True love means that you are not just in love, but you are also friends.

Military couples have many added obstacles in marriage. Heck, sometimes it feels like the military is the third person, and three is a crowd! Strong marriages have strong foundations in friendship. Don’t worry, you do not have to like your spouse all the time (I have a husband who sometimes drives me crazy too), but a relationship should have a healthy friendship and this friendship needs to be tended to and nurtured over the years. This friendship will help you grow together over the years as a couple.

The Golden Rule

In building your relationship it is always important to remember that the only person that you can change is yourself; you should never focus on changing someone else. If you want to be better friends with your spouse, you need to start with you, and work on being a better friend to your spouse. Really, this is just the golden rule, “Do to others what you would want them to do to you.”

Compare to Your Friends

When I sat down to think about this article, I thought of my great long-lasting friendships and how they treat me, and in turn how I treat them. The relationships that exist between my friends and I are full of indicators of mutual trust, respect and affection. When I compared my relationship with my friends to my relationship with my spouse, I was a little embarrassed to admit that I am not always a stellar example of a best friend to my spouse, but it has also opened my eyes to see where I can keep working to improve and grow our friendship as well.

25 Ways to be a Best Friend to Your Spouse

Enjoy your spouse.

1. Enjoy your spouse for who they are.

2. Discover and foster mutual interests. Best friends find things they both like to do and continue to develop those mutual interests.

3. Prioritize your spouse.

4. Spend quality time with your spouse.

5. Remind your spouse of their best qualities, especially when they feel vulnerable.

6. Criticize (without being critical). Best friends challenge you to be the best person you can be.

7. Listen, don’t judge. Our friends want to know first and foremost that we understand them.

8. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

9.  Let it go a bit when your spouse is grumpy. We all have bad days and want our friends to give us wiggle room when we have them.

10. Take notice of your spouse’s favorites. If something is important to your spouse, recognize it, even if it is not important to you.

11. Don’t take advantage of your spouse’s weaknesses. Recognize that your spouse trusts you.

12. Only speak good things about your spouse, every time and to everyone.

13. Defend your spouse in front of others. If someone talks negatively of your spouse, defend them. That is what friends do.

Find something you enjoy to do and do it with your spouse.

14. Do things for your spouse. You do not need a reason and you should no expect anything in return.

15. Tell your spouse the truth. Sometimes you need to level with your friends in a kind, respectful way.

16. Discuss your hurt or anger with your spouse during disagreements without belittling them.

17. Share in your spouses happiness. It is always more fun to be happy together!

18. Celebrate in your spouses success. If your spouse has accomplished something (even a small something) congratulate and cheer.

19. Share your interests, your thoughts and opinions. It is important to show your spouse you are willing to trust him or her with your thoughts and opinions as well.

20. Communicate clearly. You should not expect your spouse to read your mind. Be clear when expressing your thoughts.

20. Keep your spouses secrets. Your spouse needs to trust that emotions and thoughts shared with you are for your ears only.

21. Accept your spouse’s silence. Respect that sometimes your spouse is not yet ready to talk about something and be patient.

22. Laugh with your spouse.

23. Treat your spouse as your equal. Friendships are a give and take that balances out over your friendship.

24. Support your spouse’s decisions. You may sometimes disagree but in the end do your best to support your spouse in their decision.

25. Be reliable for your spouse. Sometimes we may bail on our spouse because “they will understand”. You should also make every effort to come through with what you said you would do.

The next time you snap at your spouse, or half-listen to they story they are telling about work, ask yourself if this is how you would treat your best friend. Then, ask yourself: why your spouse deserves anything less?

Photos courtesy of boliston, Chau kar, mike baird on Flickr.

Rejoice in the fact that your service member is home.

Homecoming is a hard thing to prep for as a military spouse. It’s hard to keep your mind from wandering. The imagination runs wild, and after being on your own so long, it feel nice to hope and fantasize about how all of your worries and your loneliness will melt away and magically your family will move forward without missing a beat.

Unfortunately, that’s seldom the case.

It’s key to remember that a successful reintegration and homecoming is one that has few expectations, because disappointment can really sour everything. One area that expectations are hard to manage is in the bedroom.

Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marriage. It is a wonderful way to reunite with your spouse and express love and affection.

But homecoming reunions are not always “sexy”. Homecoming is an unforgettably wonderful, amazing and memorable time. But homecoming is also just as confusing, frustrating, stressful and complicated as it is joyous. For most people, there are just as many knots in your stomach as there are butterflies.

Both of You Have Changed

Time has passed, and no matter how many letters you have written or Skype dates you have had with your spouse, your spouse has changed and you have changed as well. This is completely normal, but it takes some adjustment. Both of you are nervous and clumsy and giggly or crying and you have to realize that it’s fine for the reunion to not be the slow-motion run and long, romantic kiss like you see in the movies. Give it time.

It’s important to get some shut-eye — both you and your soldier.

Get Some Shut-Eye

Forget the spouse who tells you all about their 12-hour “locked door” session the night her husband came home, a vast majority of service members come home dead tired. They have likely traveled for multiple days with no shower and little sleep. Get some sleep. It’s good for both of you after the anxiety leading up to homecoming, and you will enjoy yourself more when it is time for intimacy if you both have gotten some rest.

Awkward Encounters

It is very common for couples to need to readjust to being sexually intimate after such a long time apart. If you have to, go slow and realize that it may not always be your most memorable experience the first couple of times. Remember, your spouse is home now, so you don’t have to rush.

Stress on Your Sex Life

Let’s face it — reintegration is stressful for every service member. Stress hurts our bodies and can cause a number of different symptoms such as tense muscles, irritability, loss of concentration, cramping, headaches, upset stomach and, of course, loss of libido.

Post-Traumatic Stress can make sex and intimacy even more difficult. Service members and veterans with PTS may have sudden and unpredictable flashbacks and in some cases heightened sexual arousal can trigger flashbacks, especially during the initial adjustment period.

Tips

Intimacy is very important, but you can be intimate with your partner without having sex.

• Talk about sex with your spouse. It may be hard to start talking about it but having an honest discussion is sometimes all it takes to get back in the saddle.
• Sleep and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, lack of sleep and even changes in diet or physical activity can all get your libido off-kilter.
• Don’t put too much pressure on the sex. Many people put so much hype into having sex that the thought of it makes them stressed out.
• Get intimate in a non-sexual way. Feeling emotionally intimate can make sex feel less awkward. Get used to touching each other again without the pressure of sex: holding hands, hugging and cuddling are all good places to start!
• If you continue to have problems talk to a counselor or your health care provider. Sexual dysfunction is extremely common and usually temporary.
• Don’t give up. Sex is not only good for your relationship — it’s actually healthy! Sex is a natural mood elevator and it decreases stress.

Marriage is less about loving someone for your whole life and more about continuing to learn about your spouse and fall in love with them all over again. We all change over time and the only thing we can do is continue to make the effort to reconnect and renew our bonds to our spouse.

Just remember that for all the visions that we imagine of homecoming, the real magic of homecoming is that you are reunited with your loved one!

photo courtesy of The U.S. Army, surecat, Brent Gambrell

Christine Lay’s husband, Andrew, just returned home from deployment. She is pictured here with her son, Jamey.

When Christine Lay’s husband came home, she described the feeling as “amazing,” if she could even put her excitement into words.

You might know Christine as the mother whose son, Jamey, received a service dog from Veterans United Foundation. But there’s a lot more to this military spouse. Her husband, Andrew Lay, returned home in July to El Paso, Texas, from deployment after being away for nine months.

Although she said their relationship grew stronger because of this challenge, it wasn’t always easy maintaining a sense of normalcy at home.

“It was hard having a kid and not having my husband here,” Christine said. “Basically being a single parent again is really, really hard.”

Even knowing for several months that Andrew was going to be deployed, she had no idea what to expect when that time came because it was his third deployment, but her first time experiencing it. “We heard so many horror stories about deployments, but it was probably a lot better than expected because we were in contact so much,” Christine said. “We were very, very lucky that we were able to talk almost every day through the Internet, Yahoo Messenger and Skype. He was able to purchase his own phone so he could call and text.”

The biggest adjustment during deployment, she said, was the change for her son, Jamey, especially because he has autism. She made sure to keep everything as normal as possible and to not uproot Jamey, who is five and a half years old and non-verbal. According to Operation Autism, unforeseen transitions and changes, which are common for military families, can be particularly traumatic. Although many military wives go home for Christmas, she and Jamey stayed where they were.

“He (Jamey) was very emotional in the beginning when he (Andrew) first left,” Christine said. “It got to the point where it was okay, and I had a poster made of my husband and put it in his room. Now that my husband’s back, it’s like he never left.”

During Andrew’s absence, she said her greatest support systems were her family in Arkansas and other Fort Bliss army wives who would call and come over to check on her.

When her husband returned home, communication in their relationship was even better than before. After Christine didn’t sleep for a week prior to his arrival because of the excitement, she said everything is now back to normal. “It worked out a whole lot better than I thought it would.”

As for giving advice to other military spouses in her position, she says the key is to not stress your spouse or yourself out, which she learned from experience. “Put on a happy face no matter what,” Christine said. “You kind of have to sit back and take it a day at a time.”

Photo courtesy of Christine Lay

Veteran Military Wife authors her blog, Life Lessons of a Military Wife.

You might have read Life Lessons of a Military Wife blog before, but you probably aren’t too familiar with the blogger and military spouse behind the military and life advice. The blog’s author, who chooses to be known as Veteran Military Wife and currently lives in Germany, was once in the military herself, so she approaches her blogging with expertise and understanding of the service.

She shares some of her experiences regarding life, deployment and marriage below.

Christiana Nielson:  Can you tell me how your blog got started?

Veteran Military Wife:  I like to write and have been writing mostly for myself. When I was in the Army, I published a book on basic training. After its success, I realized I just genuinely like to teach and help people. Since I spent a lot of time in Germany and as a military wife, I thought that could be my niche.

CN:  When and why did you move to Germany?

VMW:  This is our third tour in Germany. We had one in Belgium, and the rest were stateside. My first tour over here was when I was a soldier in 1990! I’m not from anywhere because I am an army brat. My mother was German, and my dad was an American stationed over here.

CN:  Tell me a little about yourself.

VMW:  I’m married with two teenage sons. I love to read, travel and of course, write.

CN:  Is your husband currently deployed? How many times has he been deployed?

VMW:  He is not currently deployed. He has been deployed more times than I have fingers and has been regularly deploying before most people knew what that word meant. He has 20+ years in.

CN:  Were you surprised by his deployment, or were you expecting it?

VMW:  We had some of both, but after so many deployments, you learn what to do.

CN:  What were the biggest adjustments you had to make regarding your relationship, family and schedule during deployment?

VMW:  You learn to be very independent and make family decisions on your own. I still try to get input from my husband for the big things, if I can get a hold of him. Thankfully we think alike, and what I think is the right call is typically what he would choose. Communication is always key. Before he goes anywhere, we sit down and talk about our wants, needs and vision for our family.

CN:  What is the hardest part about deployment?

VMW:  The nights and going to bed are the hardest. That was always our time. Plus, sometimes you just get tired and occasionally want to feel sorry for yourself until you think of single moms who are totally on their own. Then the pity party immediately stops for me.

CN:  From whom do you get support while he’s gone?

VMW:  Mostly by phone, email and Facebook from family and friends worldwide. That’s the great thing about military life; you have friends all over. I also usually have one good friend where we are stationed, and we lean on each other. I was always active in our Family Readiness Group mostly helping, but I’ve found that helping others is one of the best ways to help yourself during a deployment. It feels good to help others and also gives you a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. You are making a difference in others’ lives.

CN:  What have you learned about yourself and your relationship throughout the process of deployment? Do you think your relationship became stronger because of it?

VMW:  I think our relationship has grown stronger. We both grow and mature immensely during that time. I always strive, too, to stay busy by volunteering and learning something new.

CN:  Was deployment what you thought it would be, or was it different?

VMW:  I have the advantage of knowing what it’s like at least somewhat on his end because I was a soldier myself. I am very sensitive to his side of the process. Not all spouses have that luxury, but I encourage spouses to ask about their military spouses’ jobs and make an effort to show interest and get to know those he works with.

CN:  What advice would you give other military spouses in your position?

VMW:  Definitely do what I do above! You have to stay busy. Even a full time job, going to school, volunteering or a hobby will do wonders for making the time go by faster and really making you feel good about yourself and feeling strong. It’s also good to be independent. It will make your husband proud if you can hold your own.

CN:  Is there anything else I should know about you, your work or military life?

VMW:  For new military spouses especially, military life can be really overwhelming at first. When a whole sentence can be spoken in acronyms, you might already want to give up. Know also that those senior officers and enlisted spouses all were once in your shoes and knew very little or next to nothing about military life. Being a military spouse is a process. Even the military realizes this, and many bases and posts have classes and events that are resources for newcomers. Get out there and get involved!

Photo courtesy of Veteran Military Wife

Always make sure your spouse has enough time to talk before starting into a conversation about problems at home.

I have been to many pre-deployment readiness meetings. After half a dozen of these meetings, there is one piece of advice that is practically burned into my forehead: “You should not bother your spouse with trouble and problems at home.”

Our spouses need to be focused on the mission at hand, not worried about finances, broken down cars or fights between teenagers and mom. Keeping things squared away is the best method of helping our spouse during deployment.

I agree, in theory, but some advice can be taken too far. It can even be abused and hurt your relationship.

An important role of military spouses is making sure we take care of problems at home. That doesn’t mean we should keep things that go awry at home from our spouse and put on a happy face. That can be harmful to your relationship. Feigning happiness once in a while is fine, but in the long run, it’s just not authentic. Your spouse will know the truth.

On top of that, your spouse will quickly feel disconnected when left out of all the ups and downs of life at home.

Never lose sight of the fact that your spouse is your partner.

Your spouse is your partner and that means they’re with you, good and bad. Not discussing problems prevents your spouse from taking part in a very important part of your relationship: helping you solve them. Frame conversations carefully, but still let your spouse be involved.

When our water pipe burst in the middle of the biggest blizzard in the record books, at first I panicked. (This is not the time to call your spouse!) Once I got my head on straight, I called what seemed like 57 plumbers, crunched some numbers to figure out how to pay for it and then called my husband.

When I talked to him about it, I started with, “I have everything under control”. I could ask for advice on talking to the plumber and talk me through my uncertainties.  We try to stay a team when my husband is deployed: I ask for my husband’s advice on how to deal with our four-year-old’s recent habit of waking in the middle of the night, but I don’t present it as a crisis.

My advice for when a crisis or problem strikes you during deployment is multifaceted:

Formulate a Plan

Think of what you are going to do to solve the problem. Think of some ideas, rustle up some back up from your support system (friends and family) and get a handle on your emotions before talking to your spouse.

Evaluate the situation

What’s your best course of action?

A)     Ask his advice.

B)     Tell him after I solved the problem.

C)     Just leave this one for another day.

Personally, I try to think about my husband’s mood, if he is able to have a longer conversation or sustained email exchange, how intense his situation overseas currently is, as well as making sure that anything I would bring up would actually be productive to discuss. In other words, will he actually be able to contribute, or will he just feel helpless?

Problems can be overwhelming, so make sure to tell your spouse how you handled it.

Frame the situation

Tell your spouse what happened, how you feel about it, and some of your ideas for solving the problem. Then try to have an action item for your spouse. Tell your spouse exactly how to help — for example, “It would really help if you tell me what you think about this approach” or “Do you know who I could call in town that would know about car batteries? I got one estimate today but it seems high.”

Thanks your spouse for the help

It always helps to follow it all up with a big dose of “it really helped me to talk this over with you” and “thanks for helping me figure it out”.

Don’t push your spouse out of the loop to prevent them from worrying about you, but instead you send a message loud and clear: I got this but I still value your input and want to discuss things and make decisions with you.

Photos courtesy The National Guard, Mr. Thomas and JRonaldLee