Always make sure your spouse has enough time to talk before starting into a conversation about problems at home.

I have been to many pre-deployment readiness meetings. After half a dozen of these meetings, there is one piece of advice that is practically burned into my forehead: “You should not bother your spouse with trouble and problems at home.”

Our spouses need to be focused on the mission at hand, not worried about finances, broken down cars or fights between teenagers and mom. Keeping things squared away is the best method of helping our spouse during deployment.

I agree, in theory, but some advice can be taken too far. It can even be abused and hurt your relationship.

An important role of military spouses is making sure we take care of problems at home. That doesn’t mean we should keep things that go awry at home from our spouse and put on a happy face. That can be harmful to your relationship. Feigning happiness once in a while is fine, but in the long run, it’s just not authentic. Your spouse will know the truth.

On top of that, your spouse will quickly feel disconnected when left out of all the ups and downs of life at home.

Never lose sight of the fact that your spouse is your partner.

Your spouse is your partner and that means they’re with you, good and bad. Not discussing problems prevents your spouse from taking part in a very important part of your relationship: helping you solve them. Frame conversations carefully, but still let your spouse be involved.

When our water pipe burst in the middle of the biggest blizzard in the record books, at first I panicked. (This is not the time to call your spouse!) Once I got my head on straight, I called what seemed like 57 plumbers, crunched some numbers to figure out how to pay for it and then called my husband.

When I talked to him about it, I started with, “I have everything under control”. I could ask for advice on talking to the plumber and talk me through my uncertainties.  We try to stay a team when my husband is deployed: I ask for my husband’s advice on how to deal with our four-year-old’s recent habit of waking in the middle of the night, but I don’t present it as a crisis.

My advice for when a crisis or problem strikes you during deployment is multifaceted:

Formulate a Plan

Think of what you are going to do to solve the problem. Think of some ideas, rustle up some back up from your support system (friends and family) and get a handle on your emotions before talking to your spouse.

Evaluate the situation

What’s your best course of action?

A)     Ask his advice.

B)     Tell him after I solved the problem.

C)     Just leave this one for another day.

Personally, I try to think about my husband’s mood, if he is able to have a longer conversation or sustained email exchange, how intense his situation overseas currently is, as well as making sure that anything I would bring up would actually be productive to discuss. In other words, will he actually be able to contribute, or will he just feel helpless?

Problems can be overwhelming, so make sure to tell your spouse how you handled it.

Frame the situation

Tell your spouse what happened, how you feel about it, and some of your ideas for solving the problem. Then try to have an action item for your spouse. Tell your spouse exactly how to help — for example, “It would really help if you tell me what you think about this approach” or “Do you know who I could call in town that would know about car batteries? I got one estimate today but it seems high.”

Thanks your spouse for the help

It always helps to follow it all up with a big dose of “it really helped me to talk this over with you” and “thanks for helping me figure it out”.

Don’t push your spouse out of the loop to prevent them from worrying about you, but instead you send a message loud and clear: I got this but I still value your input and want to discuss things and make decisions with you.

Photos courtesy The National Guard, Mr. Thomas and JRonaldLee

Military Families are not strong by virtue of being military families but they are strong because we work to overcome all the obstacles in our way.

One of my pet peeves is when people ask me if it is hard to love a military guy. Deployments are hard. Moving is hard. Worrying is hard. Other people will say, “I don’t know how you can do it.”

But loving someone in the military is easy as pie. Really.

Part of loving someone is supporting them and going through all the things that are hard about life, together. So, we make do. We face deployments and even when he is home he misses some birthdays and family events, but we make do.

We’ve moved three times, and each time we moved, he got called away at the last minute for duty right before moving day. I was left to juggle packing and children and movers on my own, but we make do.

I fell in love with a person who happens to be in the military. Being in the military is a part of who he is and I wouldn’t change that about him even if I could. So, we make do.

I have many requests recently for advice about helping your marriage in the military — here are the six essential pillars that help me “make do” when the times are rough. 

Members of the Military Spouse Central community chimed in on what makes the six pillars — communication, trust and understanding, friendship, commitment, independence and taking no excuses — work for them in their everyday lives.

Communication

Marriage, as well as relationships in any circumstance, requires excellent communication between two people. And with the added stress of deployments and frequent times apart, communication only becomes more essential.

“Being told you are beautiful and hearing ‘I love you’ throughout the days help, but remember both sides of the partnership needs to hear them! Always “thank” each other, even if it’s something little…” – Mary Springsteen-Nyrary

Trust and Understanding

Trust each other and try to understand each other, even when you feel like you can’t quite know what it is like for the other person. Trust that they are coming from a different perspective and that their opinion and feelings are valid.

“Trust. With long separations, you have to.” – Joanne Sweat Gomez

“You married a soldier. Trust them and stand beside them in everything  they do. Understand that the soldier you married is gonna change with the experiences he sees and accept that.” – Angela Brumley Jewet

Friendship

Deepening your friendship with your spouse is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.

Personally, I think your husband should be your partner, your family and your best friend. You should always respect each other and find ways to compromise when you don’t see eye to eye.

Commitment

My grandmother was married to my grandfather for 50 years, she told me that they once felt that they had no options, no solutions and they felt there was no way they would be happy together again. She thought about divorce and he said he would not stop looking for a way back to happiness with her. She told me that when they found their way out they were stronger than ever because they came out on the other side.

You probably know many people who have gotten a divorce, but if you look deeper you will probably find some of these stories sprinkled in as well.

You need to both be 100 percent committed. Then you can really start to resolve issues because you know that you can voice your opinions and your feelings and the other person will not flee.

Independence

It is important to be your own person and have boundaries in any relationship, but especially if you are married to a military service member.  If you make your husband or wife responsible for your happiness, you will be disappointed.

Military marriage is tough but it has plenty of rewards.

I never knew how many things I could do on my own until I went through my first deployment. I wasn’t happy about doing it all myself at first, but now I take some pride in it.  It makes my spouse feel much more at ease leaving for deployment, and it makes me feel empowered because I know that when it comes down to it, I can handle things on my own.

And last but not least…

“…my number one rule is NOT using the military as an excuse for an unhappy marriage… You have to be up for the challenge and you just have to work much harder to make it work. Accept it, live it, and you will be happy.” – Mara “Cranky Pants” Shepard

Photos thanks to Lisa Parker, Official US Navy Imagery,  and Samantha Celera

Building a strong marriage is a lot of work, but it will help your relationship stand the test of time.

Building a strong and healthy marriage is a lot of work, and even the strongest marriages will be tested along the path of life. People who stick out the worst often later say they acquired a new sense of appreciation for their spouse and had a deeper sense of marital satisfaction. Families who stay together tend to endure less financial stress and fewer instances of mental health issues in the long run.

There is no 1-2-3 formula to divorce-proof your marriage. A successful marriage must have two dedicated partners who are willing to tread the tumultuous areas of their relationship together. There must be mutual love, and it must be a mature love that remains dedicated to the commitment long after the initial infatuation is over. Respect, empathy and kindness are tools that married couples must be willing to employ during the good times, and during the not-so-good times.

Here are some general ideas and suggestions on how to strengthen and reinforce your commitment to your spouse and to your marriage.

Communication is not just talking

It’s also actively listening to your spouse. Depending on the research, most of us only hear 25 to 50 percent of what we’re told in a conversation. Provide feedback and ask questions if something is said and you need clarity. Do NOT build a rebuttal in your mind while your spouse is speaking. It’s perfectly fine to take a moment before your respond to gather your own thoughts. So many fights happen when neither party is listening to the other. A little active listening can go a long way.

Be a friend not a critic

The world is a harsh place, but our home does not have to be. Focus on what you like most about your spouse. Remember how much you love his sense of humor, or her generosity to others. When a situation arises and you feel the need to address it with your spouse do it at a time when it’s easier to hear the concern. Don’t jump to blaming or attacking. The way you approach the discussion will have a lot to do with how it ends up.

Show your spouse affection every day

If you are separated because of deployment or training, you will have to find new ways to do this. Some of that affection can be planned ahead of time such as leaving notes of affection for your spouse to find when he unpacks and settles in where ever he is. Send a daily email that highlights one thing daily that you miss about him. It doesn’t have to be profound or even romantic, but telling your deployed spouse that his or her absence resonates throughout your day will remind them of how much they mean to you.

Take advantage of the resources the military provides for couples.

Mind your manners

 Just because you have been married for 10 years doesn’t mean you can disregard words like “Please” and “Thank you.” Of all the people you should be considerate and graceful toward it should be your spouse.

When all else fails, forgive and trust

I have never met a happily married couple whose marital bliss is founded on grudges and mistrust. Not all conflicts in life can have a happy, clear-cut and easy resolution. If you can not come to a resolution then try trusting your spouse’s motives and intentions.

Don’t let pride ruin your marriage

 If you’ve hit a place in your marriage where you feel you are at an impasse, then seek an outside source like these resources specifically designed for military couples. Sometimes the troubles of life can overwhelm us and we need an objective party to help us navigate the storms.

Photos courtesy of Campdarby and 101st CAB, Wings of Destiny

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Here are a few ways you can express solidarity and work to ensure your military spouse knows you’ll always be there for them:

When reassuring your spouse consistency makes all the difference.

Get Embedded

One of the best ways you can show support for your spouse’s decision to join the military is to join it yourself—in the civilian sense. Get involved with your Family Readiness Group and try to find get-togethers and activities to get excited about. Try to meet some people and make some friends to establish a social life. Once your spouse sees that you can create a life alongside the military, his or her fear may be eased.

Communicate Carefully

Depending on whether your spouse is away on assignment, there are a few approaches to communicate in a way that shows your affection.

If your spouse is away, try to keep the communication consistent. Write regularly via email or post, but be sure not to promise anything you can’t deliver. Don’t promise to write every day if you know your schedule can get crazy. Falling back on a promise leaves room for doubt, so keep expectations realistic.

Also try to keep your communication open, but be sure to emphasize the good. If you two can only chat via phone, talk about some positive news such as some family fun or a new hobbyyou picked up. You can be honest about struggles you’re having, but be sure to

explain how you’re coping or trying to cope. Just expressing struggles may touch on a guilty feeling that he or she cannot be there for you. If they doubt they can meet your needs, their fear of you leaving may heighten.

One topic to ensure some investment is your future together. Perhaps you can talk about your future home, family or vacations.

When your service member needs extra assurance realize that this is just because he or she still needs to feel loved and needed, not that you are doing anything wrong.

Package Your Love in a Gift

You may not always be able to voice how you feel, but giving your spouse something tangible as a reminder of your affection can be helpful. It can be as simple as his or her favorite candy, movie, magazine or a picture.

Create a Scrapbook

The work and effort that goes into a scrapbook can be a great way to show that your relationship is worth it to you. You can show how much you appreciate old memories and it may even spark ideas to create new ones.

Photo courtesy of ianimmortal and nanny snowflake via Flickr.

Military Spouse Central asked for spouse opinions in which resulted in a few different approaches. Here are some to consider:

Reenlistment can be a big decision for the whole family

Service Member’s Decision

Some spouses want zero influence and take the “it’s his career choice and I’m here to support it” route. They may not discuss it at all with their spouse until the decision is made and it’s time to embrace it.

Give Opinion and See

Spouses also recognize the decision is ultimately their service members, but offer their help in voicing their concerns and perspective. Some common concerns that may be worth discussing include children, schooling, deployments and relocations.

Melissa Blietz didn’t want her husband to feel any regret and resentment if the decision wasn’t his own. So while she offered her thoughts, she assured him she was “behind him 100 percent, no matter what he decided to do.”

Dependant on Family Sacrifice

When a family is involved, a service member’s career greatly affects everyone. It may be beneficial to weigh the sacrifices each member may have to make for reenlistment. It may not just be time or financial aspects, but also aspirations. Tiffany Pitt-Meier made a plea to spouses that no matter what decision is made, spouses shouldn’t underestimate their role as a military spouse and should continue considering their own dreams.

Weigh Family and Personal Career

For Jay NearformerDarling, there are only two factors: “what’s best for our family… and what’s best for him.” If the service member decides to stay in and the family dynamic stays in tact, there is no problem. If the service member is miserable and decides not to reenlist, then the family can avoid resentment and find a way to start a new life.

Today You, Tomorrow Me

Michele Tveit Jackson stated her view quite when she replied, “I don’t mind following him around now because when he does get out, he will follow me and I don’t want him trying to tell me what to do with my career.” Spouses may take a back seat for now, but with the future in mind. You can choose to fully support whatever decision your spouse makes so they are prepared to return the favor when you both decide it’s your turn.

Secured Income

Some spouses focus on the practical side of a steady income before allowing their spouse to rush to any decision. Andrea Forte mentioned her husband can reenlist all he wants, but before he gets our he should make sure he can secure a civilian job.

Reserve Compromise

Another route to approach is the idea of reenlisting into the reserves as opposed to another active duty. The service member will have to discuss the option with a reserve counselor to make sure the transition can occur quickly enough and keep the transition smooth.

Photo courtesy of Morning Calm News

Thankfully, the American Red Cross has a dedicated service to connect military families in times of emergency even when service members are stationed on ships, at foreign embassies or remote locations.

How will you get in contact with your service member when you have an emergency?

Examples of qualifying family emergencies include…

• Death or serious illness of an immediate family member
• Birth of a child or grandchild
• Immediate family is effected by a natural disaster

The Red Cross can carry a number of different messages to service members; so don’t be afraid to contact them to see how they can help.

If you are in need of emergency communication service, you can call (877) 272-7337 toll-free from the continental U.S.

Even if you think you can contact your service member through email or on the phone, you may want to have the Red Cross send an official message for verification. If this is the type of emergency that requires a trip home, the official Red Cross message can aid in a commanding officer’s decision to approve emergency leave.

Before you call make sure you gather some personal information to ensure your message is sent to the right person immediately. You’ll need to provide as much of the following information as possible

• Full Name
• Date of Birth
• Rank
• Branch
• Social Security Number
• Military Address

Rest easy during deployment knowing that no matter what happens, your service member can be reached through the American Red Cross

Photo thanks to Official U.S. Navy Imagery via Flickr Creative Commons

Military couples may find it even tougher to stick it out seeing as deployments, trainings and permanent changes of station are constantly changing circumstances. But with some thoughtful planning and communication married couples can merge money matters without hassle and keep the financial honeymoon going.

When you are planning to get married make sure you and your spouse discuss these topics:

Budgeting and finances are major issues in marriage so start off on the right foot.

Budget

You both have expenses, fixed and flexible. The first step is to list them all separately to determine the costs you and your spouse are facing together. This is also the time to discuss overall attitudes towards finances. Things like how much money should be spent on different non-essential items should be outlined.

There are free websites such as Mint.com that provide various budgeting forms and tools to can help get you started when you are organizing your finances together for the first time.  Check out this post by Smart Military Money on how to use these online tools to make budgeting easier. Once you have a projected budget, you and your spouse can use it to compare your actual spending tracked over time.

Deciding to Combine Accounts

• Bank Account: Some couples combine bank accounts, some keep them split and some create a new joint account in addition to their own. It really depends on preference. Combining accounts allows couples to use the same bank source and have a common location. Also, if anything were to happen to you or your spouse, the right of survivorship will transfer ownership to the surviving member. Having multiple people on an account increases the need for constant communication because misunderstanding could lead to incorrect balances and/or overdrawn accounts. As long as there is ample communication and delegated balancing times, couples can easily overcome these obstacles.
• Insurance: Many couples compare their health care benefits and decide which would provide the most benefit if combined into a family plan. With the military, service members and family are offered TRICARE to cover health, dental and pharmaceutical benefits for active and retired members. Auto and homeowners insurance may also offer discounts if combined.
• Cell Phone: You and your spouse can save some money by switching to a family plan for your cell phone providers. In fact if you use your military discount on certain providers, you can save even more.

Delegating Responsibility

Now that pool expenses is under one roof, you’ll have to determine who will be responsible for making payments and performing tasks like grocery shopping. The tasks can be split evenly, given to one person or rotated throughout the year. Couples have found success with each method, so again it’s left to you and your spouse’s preference.

How will the bills get paid?

A specific note for military couples is to discuss having shared access to the responsibility. Spouses of military members should obtain a power of attorney, which will allow them to make financial decisions on behalf of their spouse if deployed or unable to access accounts. Finances are a very important thing to talk about before any deployment. Be sure to share account numbers, passwords and due dates.

For those couples who may face or are facing a deployment, check out Smart Military Money’s financial checklist for the soon-to-be-deployed

Tackling Debt

Debt is a problem for marriage, no matter who it originates with, since both credit scores can play into major purchases. The first step is disclosing the amount of debt each other is facing as well as the interest rates.

Set goals together for when you want each loan paid off and evaluate the plan with each other as months go by. Some couples choose to combine debts by paying the most toward the principal with the highest interest rate. That way, it can be paid off first and you two can tackle the less burdensome debts.

Stash Cash

A good habit for couples to get into is contributing extra cash or dedicating a certain percentage of pay to a savings account. It’s recommended that couples have three to six times their monthly expenses in savings for any emergencies or unexpected loss of income. Newlyweds probably don’t have such a stash on hand after a wedding, honeymoon and home purchase, but with commitment and patience, they can get there.

Photo thanks to RambergMediaImages and Brad_Chaffee via Flickr Creative Commons

The communication may be minimal and sporadic and the time spent waiting in between can lead to stress that ruins what time you do get to talk. It may be difficult, but it isn’t impossible.

Here are some things you can do to keep the romance throughout a deployment:

Day-to-Day Snippets

A way to keep your spouse connected to the home-life is to take pictures throughout one of your days. Compile them into a small book or newsletter with explanations of what was going on or how you were thinking about them.

Memory Collage

Pick a theme of good memories you had together. Compile pictures, tickets, notes and other items and make a collage. After you have a masterpiece, write a story about the memories or a story to make a future memory. Not only will this remind them of some of your best times together, but it will also remind them of what they love about you and get them ready to come home and make more memories.

Themed Scavenger Hunt

Decide on something that your spouse likes, such as a color or a specific object. Then when you’re out doing your day-to-day activities, you can snap a photo or purchase anything that relates to it. Send it in a care package and double up not only on giving them what they enjoy, but also show them how often you think of them.

Sleep Aids

Having a piece of your spouse’s clothing is just a sentimental way of comforting each other across the miles. Before they leave, send them with their favorite shirt of yours and keep one of theirs to sleep with. You can also decorate a special pillowcase with pictures, lyrics, quotes or whatever else is special between the two of you.

Hand Tracing

Sometimes there are moments when you wish you could just hold their hand. Have your spouse trace their hand before leaving and send them with a tracing of your own. It’s a small gesture but can help to ease separation anxiety.

Hidden Notes

Hiding notes throughout your spouse’s bag before they leave gives them surprises to find when you’re apart. If you’re being deployed, you can hide notes around the house. When you two need a pick-me-up, you two can give each other hints as to where you’ve hidden “the goods.”

Employ a Partner in Crime

If you know another veteran being deployed with your spouse, give him or her a stack of letters to distribute to your spouse throughout the deployment. They will be by their side and can distinguish the times when they feel your spouse could use some love. If you’re the one being deployed, you can do the same with a neighbor or family member near your spouse.

Jar of Notes

If you don’t have a partner in crime, leave notes for your spouse to pull out at their own discretion by filling a jar with encouraging notes and memories.

Cutesy Coupons

Show your spouse how much you look forward to them coming home by sending coupons they can redeem when they return. Perhaps they can be for a date to his favorite restaurant, cooking his favorite meal, a back rub or whatever else your spouse may enjoy.

Photo thanks to DVIDSHUB via Flickr Creative Commons

To ease the transition, families should have a communication strategy prior to deployment.

Traditional Communication Methods

Traditional methods of communication should not be overlooked because of new options that are available. Letters, care packages and phone calls are still great means of communication with a deployed service member.

Letters

Service members will always appreciate letters from home. When there are extended periods without contact they often reread letters to boost morale. Sending a handwritten letter is emotionally satisfying, while still inexpensive.

Care packages

Care packages are important. to help service members feel connected with their families. During deployment they provide a small piece of home to help ease loneliness.

Here are a few content suggestions:
• Pictures
• Magazines
• Favorite Snacks
• Home Videos

New Communication Methods

With proper preparation service members may be able to use the Internet to stay connected to their families. Innovations in technology allow families to communicate in new ways.

Email

For deployed military members an email is the electronic version of the letter. Providing service members with quick and up-to-date information, email allows families to keep everyone on the same page.

Free email accounts are available through Yahoo, Google or Hotmail providers.

Instant Messaging

Instant messenger services are convenient communication tools for active duty military members. Programs like Skype, Yahoo Messenger and AOL Messenger provide users with video and voice options along with the basic messaging tools.

Service members should keep in mind that there are differences in features among the services. Families should choose the instant messaging program that best fits their needs.

Skype

Skype provides the most comprehensive service. As long as both parties have a webcam and microphone video conferencing is possible. For families with children this provides a sense of togetherness and allows them to see their parent’s face.

Skype provides many services, including:
• Instant messages
• SMS Text messages
• Video Calls
• Skype to Skype calls
• Low-cost calls to landlines and cell phones around the world
• Skype Voice Mail

Military members should check to see what options are available where they will be deployed; they may be allowed to bring a laptop or cell phone..

Defense Switched Networks

An additional option for communication is DSN (Defense Switched Networks) lines that are provided by the military. Service members that are near a base with a DSN network can call a base located close to their family. Even though conversations are usually brief, DSN lines are additional options for sustaining a connection during the challenging separation.

A Cautious Note:
Service members deploying for the first time should take careful note of Operational Security procedures when it comes to communicating with family and friends back home.

Photo thanks to FamilyMWR via Flickr Creative Commons