When I consider the true meaning behind Thanksgiving, I feel challenged to think about things that I not only take for granted, but am also upset by.

When I consider the true meaning behind Thanksgiving, I feel challenged to think about things that I not only take for granted, but am also upset by.

Our nations ancestor’s faced trials we have no perspective on.  It must have been incredibly difficult to have a heart of gratitude amongst so much loss. However, the ultimate loss can also make us thankful for the ultimate blessing: life. In fact, there are few struggles that we cannot view as a blessing in disguise.

C.S. Lewis once said, “We must stop regarding unpleasant or unexpected things as interruptions of real life. The truth is that interruptions are real life.”

Few families can relate to this more than a military family. Challenges are a part of the deal. However, when life is brimming with struggles, or even when it’s full of blessings, learning how to be thankful for the “bad” things can change your outlook on life.

For instance, I find laundry extremely annoying. Of all the household chores, I feel continually defeated by incessant piles of clothing that increase in size with every inch my children grow. I expressed my aggravation to my grandmother who had four boys, thinking she would console me. Her response to me was that I should let it remind me of the limited amount of time I have to care for my kids; one day I will have plenty of days with no laundry and an all too quiet house.

I don’t know what it was about that moment, but it has stuck with me. Like a little voice in my head, I hear those words anytime I want to complain about my mommy duties.

The same sentiment can be applied to many things in life. Finding the silver lining in situations is a skill that only comes from riding out many storms.

What challenges in your life have you learned to be thankful for? What difficult aspects about military life have you learned to see as equally beneficial?

Photo courtesy merfam

Kristen Smith, manager of Loving a Soldier blog, talks about her experiences with military life.

Meet Kristen Smith.

She is a military spouse, but she is also the blog coordinator for Loving A Soldier, a mother, a professional photographer, a volunteer, a food blogger and an equestrian. Although very busy, she makes the most of her time and has much wisdom to share regarding all aspects of being a military wife.

She discusses her experiences with military life, work, deployment and relationships below.

Christiana Nielson:  Can you tell me the idea behind your blog, Loving A Soldier, and how it works?

Kristen Smith:  Loving A Soldier is the blog of Army Wife Network. We currently have 21 contributors from the Army spouse community: varying experience levels, years associated with the military and blogging from three countries at the moment. We are aiming to showcase the incredible diversity of experience found in the Army community and let spouses know that somewhere, someone else is feeling the same way.

CN:  You’re also a photographer?

KS:  I am a professional portrait photographer specializing in equestrian lifestyle portraiture, although I also love photographing our military events and families.

CN:  Can you tell me a little more about yourself?

KS:  I am married to Capt. Kevin Smith, U.S. Army, and we have one son who turned three last month. Originally, I am from Charleston, S.C. Between school, work, the military and my own wanderlust, I have lived, traveled through or visited every state in America except Alaska. I strongly believe that we are responsible for making our lives what we want and need them to be, which is a huge part of my blogging. I volunteer as much for my own personal development and education as to help others. When I’m not blogging, behind a camera or volunteering, I am usually in the kitchen playing with food (you can find most of the results of that at Authentic Plate) or working with my horse. My family is currently assigned to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri about two hours southwest of St Louis.

CN:  Is your husband currently deployed?

KS:  My husband is home at the moment. We have been through deployments to both Afghanistan and Iraq with the longest one being just over 12 months.

CN:  Were you surprised by his deployment, or were you expecting it?

KS:  We’ve dealt with both circumstances, having time to prepare and being surprised. One of my husband’s deployments, he volunteered to go with just under 28 days notice.

CN:  What were the biggest adjustments you had to make regarding your relationship, family and schedule during deployment?

KS:  Our biggest relationship adjustment was learning to prioritize our interaction. When Kevin is home, there is a lot of small talk; we talk about our day, about small things that annoy us, inconsequential things on TV or in current events. During a deployment, the time we have to talk/email is significantly reduced, so we both had to be more intentional and focused to make sure that our conversations and correspondence fostered a positive, loving relationship.

Family adjustments mainly revolved around making sure that my husband was still included. Some how, some way.

I am a big believer in schedules, so for the most part, our schedule does not hugely vary when my husband is away. My son and I are both early risers, and my husband is not a morning person, so the primary difference would be that our activities will shift earlier in the day when he is away. The primary change I had to make was to be insistent (especially with myself) about carving out ‘me time’. I needed time away from my son, time away from obligations and responsibilities, in order to maintain my positivity and well being. Finding that time is extra challenging when I am the sole person responsible for our home and family.

CN:  What is the hardest thing about deployment?

KS:  My husband really is my best friend, so a huge challenge for me during his times away has been the lack of that sounding board and missing the feedback. He is usually the first person I tell about any crazy ideas, ask questions about subjects I am not familiar with and generally vent to. I tend to internalize and not express myself as well or as easily when he is gone and that can take a tremendous toll on me emotionally.

CN:  From whom do you get support while he is gone?

KS:  I have a wonderfully supportive family and a network of friends and resources that I have developed throughout our time together that was a tremendous support. My barn friends, who are often not all military, are also a huge component of my support system.

CN:  What have you learned about yourself and your relationship throughout the process of deployment? Do you think your relationship became stronger because of it?

KS:  Deployment forced us to really learn to communicate. Spending time together wasn’t as simple as sitting on the couch watching TV. If we wanted to “spend time together,” we had to actually go back and forth. It revealed some very real gaps in our communication and forced us to deal with them. I think deployments also put us in a position where we have to consciously make the decision that our marriage is important enough to withstand the challenge because it requires us to work through it.

CN:  Was deployment what you thought it would be, or was it different?

KS:  Both. I never would have anticipated how agonizing R & R would be. The twin emotions of relief (that he was home) and despair (that he was leaving again so soon). I was surprised by just how capable I was of handling things while he was gone.

CN:  What advice would you give other military spouses in your position?

KS:  I think the most important thing to know is that you have to figure out what works for you. I needed to know more, so volunteering, being very involved in my local military community and making connections with the national military community were powerful instruments in my tool box. But that does not mean that every spouse should do the same.

CN:  Is there anything else I should know about you, your work or military life?

KS:  Military life offers us incredible opportunities to meet fascinating people from all walks of life, grow and develop personally and have a front row seat in the making of history. It is what you make of it.

Photo courtesy of Kristen Smith

Military Spouse Central asked for spouse opinions in which resulted in a few different approaches. Here are some to consider:

Reenlistment can be a big decision for the whole family

Service Member’s Decision

Some spouses want zero influence and take the “it’s his career choice and I’m here to support it” route. They may not discuss it at all with their spouse until the decision is made and it’s time to embrace it.

Give Opinion and See

Spouses also recognize the decision is ultimately their service members, but offer their help in voicing their concerns and perspective. Some common concerns that may be worth discussing include children, schooling, deployments and relocations.

Melissa Blietz didn’t want her husband to feel any regret and resentment if the decision wasn’t his own. So while she offered her thoughts, she assured him she was “behind him 100 percent, no matter what he decided to do.”

Dependant on Family Sacrifice

When a family is involved, a service member’s career greatly affects everyone. It may be beneficial to weigh the sacrifices each member may have to make for reenlistment. It may not just be time or financial aspects, but also aspirations. Tiffany Pitt-Meier made a plea to spouses that no matter what decision is made, spouses shouldn’t underestimate their role as a military spouse and should continue considering their own dreams.

Weigh Family and Personal Career

For Jay NearformerDarling, there are only two factors: “what’s best for our family… and what’s best for him.” If the service member decides to stay in and the family dynamic stays in tact, there is no problem. If the service member is miserable and decides not to reenlist, then the family can avoid resentment and find a way to start a new life.

Today You, Tomorrow Me

Michele Tveit Jackson stated her view quite when she replied, “I don’t mind following him around now because when he does get out, he will follow me and I don’t want him trying to tell me what to do with my career.” Spouses may take a back seat for now, but with the future in mind. You can choose to fully support whatever decision your spouse makes so they are prepared to return the favor when you both decide it’s your turn.

Secured Income

Some spouses focus on the practical side of a steady income before allowing their spouse to rush to any decision. Andrea Forte mentioned her husband can reenlist all he wants, but before he gets our he should make sure he can secure a civilian job.

Reserve Compromise

Another route to approach is the idea of reenlisting into the reserves as opposed to another active duty. The service member will have to discuss the option with a reserve counselor to make sure the transition can occur quickly enough and keep the transition smooth.

Photo courtesy of Morning Calm News

But there are ways to keep your deployed spouse involved in your holiday traditions and make the season family-oriented. Here’s a look at five options:

Care Packages

Sometimes the best way to keep your deployed spouse involved in your holiday tradition is to send the season’s cheer in a care package. Whether you’re sending decorations, a favorite holiday film, music or some cookies, care packages are a great holiday tradition for military families. Not only will they enjoy it overseas, but you and your family can have a lot of fun getting into the spirit putting the package together.

Skype & Videos

Although your family may be thousands of miles apart during deployment, technology can help bridge the gap. Skyping while you are putting up the Christmas tree can make it seem like everyone is involved.

Unfortunately, Internet access may be limited to only certain parts of the day, but don’t let that stop you from recording a video of your family sending off the care package or even opening presents. The priceless look on your children’s faces on Christmas morning is the best gift you can give a deployed spouse.

Decorating

Not only can you send pictures and videos of yourself decorating the tree, but you can also include your spouse in the decorating process with your family.

Decorate a picture frame or make an ornament as a holiday craft and include pictures of the entire family. Many children love to make holiday-related art. You can have them draw a picture of the family around the tree and send it in a care package or even scan it into an email for fast delivery.

Letters from Santa 

One of the best ways to keep your spouse involved is to have them write letters from Santa to your children asking what they would like, responding to their Christmas list or even as a check-up to see if they’ve been naughty or nice.

This is a great way to hear about the children from their perspective as well as be involved in some holiday fun even though they can’t be there to pick out gifts.

Christmas In July

Another great way for deployed service members to enjoy the holiday season with their family is to celebrate when they return. You can still decorate the house and everything in December, but also do something small once they have returned.

You can set up the tree together, make hot chocolate and exchange a few gifts so everyone can enjoy their favorite traditions as a family.

These are just a few ways to make sure everyone enjoys the holiday season even during a deployment, so don’t let the business of the military lifestyle detract from this special season.

Photo thanks to jarek69 & evelyn via Flickr Creative Commons

Because so much pressure is put on this one moment, it is easy for military spouses left at home to dream of the perfect reunion. There’s a push to get in shape, spotlessly clean the house, cook a fantastic meal, get a haircut, go shopping for new clothes and show up at the airport looking like a movie star.

Deciding how extended family, parents and friends can be involved in homecoming can be an additional stressor on both the military spouse at home and deployed service members.

If you’re concerned about integrating your extended family and parent-in-laws into the homecoming festivities, use these tips to build a personal plan of action.

How many is too many?

Because of all the excitement surrounding a homecoming, it’s easy to think that there should be a giant party with everyone you’ve ever met waiting for them after they step off the plane. Before you send out invitations though, think about your spouse.

Think about how you feel after a long trip complete with exhaustion and jet lag, and add to that the stress of being deployed for the past however many months.  Talk with your spouse and decide together on how many will be too many and become overwhelming.

For some the big reunion works but you need to evaluate carefully, is it really the time for a massive family reunion at the airport?

Plan it

The military lifestyle is full of surprises and planning too much is something that can leave you with unfulfilled expectations.

Although you may not be able to plan down to the minute, decide what you generally want to happen. Who will be there at the airport, waiting at home, visiting in the first few days or weeks? Talk together about who your spouse wants to see first, how long they want visits to be, and what type of visits they are (group, individual, over an activity or in a quiet laid back setting).

What is important?

If your spouse is coming back from deployment for an extended period of time, the most important thing should be getting back into a family routine.

This may not include extended family and should really focus on the spouse and children.

Just ask

As important as the day is to you, it is really all about the returning service member. It is important to ask what they want.

Who will they be comfortable with at the airport or waiting at home right away? Try to keep an open mind for what they want to do. They may want to take things slow or jump right in, and you should try to be okay with that. Remember to discuss all aspects including who, what, when, where and how long for visits.

It also may be helpful to have an exit strategy for you and your spouse if visits become too long or too much. Prepare a signal for each other and have a way to excuse you and your family from the visit early.

Mother in laws & family

Military wives especially struggle with sharing their husbands with their mother-in-law upon homecoming. He is your husband and you miss him very much, but he is also her child and she’s been worried sick.

Don’t judge yourself or think you’re completely selfish when you want to spend time alone with your loved one after deployment. But try to consider and respect the relationship your husband has with other family members and friends that are important to him. He may want to include them in homecoming activities. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Breaking the news: If you and your deployed service member decide that homecoming should be an intimate family event for the first few days, breaking the news to those who would like to be involved can be scary. The fear of a hostile reaction is nerve racking for everyone and the best course of action may be to have the person deployed let people like parents and siblings know the plan. Hearing it directly from the source can ease harsh reactions.

• Take a walk in her shoes: It’s easy to get frustrated with your mother-in-law for controlling too much about the day. However, it’s important to take a step back and decide how you would feel about your own child in the same situation. Remind any upset mother-in-laws that this process is a two way street and she should respect the marital bond and the difficulty of reintegrating. Literature on the importance of reestablishing marital and family bonds after deployment should be available from your FRG or military support, sometimes this information can help you start the conversation.

• Secret operation: Some decide the solution to taking things slow without hurting anyone’s feelings is to not tell anyone. As tempting as this may sound, politely asking for some alone time is a lot easier than conducting a secret CIA operation. The secret operation route has a lot more potential to damage relationships for the long term. If you are discovered, the deception and the hurt associated with not telling extended family members can be hard to overcome.

Keep an open mind

Remember that homecoming is just like every other event and there might be mix-ups, delays and letdowns. The best plan to have is one that rolls with the punches and remains flexible with any last-minute changes.

Photo thanks to U. S. Coast Guard via Flickr Creative Commons

The reality is that homecomings can prove challenging for service members and those who love them.

“Reunion with family often is idealized as a quick, smooth return to normalcy,” according to the American Psychological Association’s Help Center. “The reality may fall short of that ideal.”

Expectations v. Reality

Savior your reunion and try to avoid having huge expectations

Readjusting after returning home can take time, patience and commitment from everyone involved. To make the homecoming transition as smooth as possible, realistic expectations and open communication is crucial.

Military members returning home might anticipate a problem-free readjustment full of fun and excitement. But the notion that it’ll be possible to immediately resume life as it was, prior to deployment, is often misleading.

Service members may believe that relationships with children and spouses will be just as they were before leaving. But actually homecomings are full of mixed emotions and stages of adjustment.

According to a report from After Deployment.org, the stages of readjustment typically include:

Honeymoon

• There’s a sense of euphoria and relief
• Conflicts are typically avoided
• Focus on family time

Adjustment

• Realization that changes need to be made
• Expectations are changed and tested
• Pressures of daily life gets stronger
• More conflict with each other

Integration

• Adjustment in roles
• Decrease in conflict
• Disagreements are addressed

Upon returning home expectations and reality often collide. While everyone is glad you’re home, they may not want to spend a lot of time talking about your experiences.

Remember to expect even less from children, they will take time to adjust as things change at home.

Spouses may have become more independent while you were away, and children can gain a new sense of maturity and, sometimes, distance during separation, according to the National Center for PTSD.  It is important to have a flexible outlook on priorities within the household.

Readjustment Reminders

It’s important for military members and family members to be open minded, patient and caring when the time comes to reestablish family bonds and old routines.

Communication may be difficult after a separation and closeness may also be awkward. Only time and effort can help bridge the emotional distance.

Service members with children should be understanding of their feelings and allow the child to be the first to renew the bond. Also, finding a place within the new family structure does not have to happen right away; it’s all right to take things slow.

Additional Resources

The National Center for PTSD

www.afterdeployment.org

How to Move without your Military Spouse
While your military spouse is deployed, chances are you might have to move homes. This process can be intimidating in the least, but when you have to do it by yourself it can be terrifying. Check out these moving tips for when you find yourself having to move houses without your military spouse.

Photo thanks to heraldpost and DVIDShub via Flickr Creative Commons