Here are six things to consider to maintain a friendship strained by the election season.

How do you maintain or mend a friendship strained by the election season?

1) Remember the Foundation

Remember what it was that brought you and your friend together in the first place. Out of all of my friendships, it’s my shared interests with my friends that helped to begin them. Perhaps it’s a shared experience that helped forge a bond.

2) What Defines Your Friend?

Politics does not completely define who we are. So, remember that your friend is not defined completely by their political stance and neither are you. It might help to sit down and write down all of the good qualities your friend possesses.

3) Good Humor

The friends we can laugh with the most are usually our closest friends. Try to find humorous things about politics you can share. Plus, it helps to have a sense of humor about most things political.

4) What You Can Control

Like with most relationships, the only thing you can really control is how you behave. Maybe your friend said some hurtful things, or they made some political comments that really got under your skin. Perhaps you might need some space from that person. After a brief respite you can rekindle your friendship. All the while, you can take small steps to show your friend that you still care about them.

5) Apologize

If you are the friend who said hurtful things, then apologizing would help towards a reunion. Again, some distance might be necessary as well to help the waters settle.

6) Respect

Above all, respect is the key issue. Keep in mind that you cannot change your friend’s mind and that they are an adult who is able to make informed decisions. You might learn that politics is an issue that both of you need to avoid discussing. Again, concentrate on what it is that brings you together.

Photo courtesy wickenden

Friendship can deepen your relationship with your spouse.

Marriage, if it is going to last, is about more than just being in love. True love means that you are not just in love, but you are also friends.

Military couples have many added obstacles in marriage. Heck, sometimes it feels like the military is the third person, and three is a crowd! Strong marriages have strong foundations in friendship. Don’t worry, you do not have to like your spouse all the time (I have a husband who sometimes drives me crazy too), but a relationship should have a healthy friendship and this friendship needs to be tended to and nurtured over the years. This friendship will help you grow together over the years as a couple.

The Golden Rule

In building your relationship it is always important to remember that the only person that you can change is yourself; you should never focus on changing someone else. If you want to be better friends with your spouse, you need to start with you, and work on being a better friend to your spouse. Really, this is just the golden rule, “Do to others what you would want them to do to you.”

Compare to Your Friends

When I sat down to think about this article, I thought of my great long-lasting friendships and how they treat me, and in turn how I treat them. The relationships that exist between my friends and I are full of indicators of mutual trust, respect and affection. When I compared my relationship with my friends to my relationship with my spouse, I was a little embarrassed to admit that I am not always a stellar example of a best friend to my spouse, but it has also opened my eyes to see where I can keep working to improve and grow our friendship as well.

25 Ways to be a Best Friend to Your Spouse

Enjoy your spouse.

1. Enjoy your spouse for who they are.

2. Discover and foster mutual interests. Best friends find things they both like to do and continue to develop those mutual interests.

3. Prioritize your spouse.

4. Spend quality time with your spouse.

5. Remind your spouse of their best qualities, especially when they feel vulnerable.

6. Criticize (without being critical). Best friends challenge you to be the best person you can be.

7. Listen, don’t judge. Our friends want to know first and foremost that we understand them.

8. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

9.  Let it go a bit when your spouse is grumpy. We all have bad days and want our friends to give us wiggle room when we have them.

10. Take notice of your spouse’s favorites. If something is important to your spouse, recognize it, even if it is not important to you.

11. Don’t take advantage of your spouse’s weaknesses. Recognize that your spouse trusts you.

12. Only speak good things about your spouse, every time and to everyone.

13. Defend your spouse in front of others. If someone talks negatively of your spouse, defend them. That is what friends do.

Find something you enjoy to do and do it with your spouse.

14. Do things for your spouse. You do not need a reason and you should no expect anything in return.

15. Tell your spouse the truth. Sometimes you need to level with your friends in a kind, respectful way.

16. Discuss your hurt or anger with your spouse during disagreements without belittling them.

17. Share in your spouses happiness. It is always more fun to be happy together!

18. Celebrate in your spouses success. If your spouse has accomplished something (even a small something) congratulate and cheer.

19. Share your interests, your thoughts and opinions. It is important to show your spouse you are willing to trust him or her with your thoughts and opinions as well.

20. Communicate clearly. You should not expect your spouse to read your mind. Be clear when expressing your thoughts.

20. Keep your spouses secrets. Your spouse needs to trust that emotions and thoughts shared with you are for your ears only.

21. Accept your spouse’s silence. Respect that sometimes your spouse is not yet ready to talk about something and be patient.

22. Laugh with your spouse.

23. Treat your spouse as your equal. Friendships are a give and take that balances out over your friendship.

24. Support your spouse’s decisions. You may sometimes disagree but in the end do your best to support your spouse in their decision.

25. Be reliable for your spouse. Sometimes we may bail on our spouse because “they will understand”. You should also make every effort to come through with what you said you would do.

The next time you snap at your spouse, or half-listen to they story they are telling about work, ask yourself if this is how you would treat your best friend. Then, ask yourself: why your spouse deserves anything less?

Photos courtesy of boliston, Chau kar, mike baird on Flickr.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop people from claiming they understand as they try to counsel you. When Military Spouse Central, hosted by Veterans United, inquired on facebook about the most hurtful things military spouses have heard, an overwhelming number of responses mentioned things said about deployments.

You knew what you were signing up for. Get over it. My husband goes away on business trips all of the time. You must think about him dying all of the time.

Sound familiar? These comments can be hurtful and frustrating, but there are ways to maintain your mood as you approach the challenges of distance.

Keep Competition Out of the Emotion

There is no question that there are differences between your neighbor’s spouse leaving town for a week and your spouse going on a year-long tour of duty. There is also no denying your neighbor’s entitlement to miss their spouse. Sometimes conflict will arise when spouses try to define that entitlement by declaring their situation as better or worse.

On the Journey of a Navy Wife blog, spouses had a great discussion surrounding the “one-up” mentality of missing someone. One commenter who posted under the name Sailor Bride said: “I hate the one upper. Significant others are ALWAYS trying to one up each other–because they miss them more, they’re gone longer, their job is more dangerous, or they have children, so they’re entitled to miss them more.”

Each situation has its own challenges, but rather than argue about the severity of each situation, try to meet each other on the level of caring for someone to the extent of missing them.

Enable Yourself to Miss

Missing someone does not make you weak and was definitely not a right you signed away when you supported your spouse’s decision to enlist.

“I hate when you talk about missing your husband and people say, ‘Well, you knew he was going to get deployed.’ Yeah, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. It’s very insensitive,” said Sara Holycross, a reader from Military Family Central.

To miss someone is to realize you’re without access to a significant support of your wants and needs. It’s a natural response, so rather than let people make you feel weak or bad for telling them you miss a person, embrace the reality that you have a very special bond with your spouse in which many won’t experience in the same way.

Telling Spouses They’re Missed 

If you’re without access to chat, email, Skype or other communication tools, and you just need a way to cope with missing your significant other, try finding a fun way to tell them you miss them. Consider:

• Write a letter for every day or send a creative care package
• Deck out a calendar or create another system for the both of you to count the days until you reunite (tentative of course).
• Buy or create little “souvenirs” throughout the day to show that they were a part of it all
• Create fun photos/stories through Photoshop or compiling your images
• Seek refuge in an article of their clothing, blanket or favorite location and send a picture with happy memories you recall

Here are some good places to consider when looking for companionship:

Organized Interest Groups

• Your public library more than likely offers organized book clubs. Not only can you entertain your brain, but you can also have regularly scheduled social interaction.
• Churches commonly offer Bible studies, women and men’s groups, youth groups and multiple volunteer opportunities in and outside the church. You can explore the choir and band or do outreach while meeting others with similar interests.
• Check out your local craft store, YMCA or other local community building for postings on hobby groups or classes. Even if you don’t have a specific hobby you love, you can learn a new craft and meet friends by joining a group.

Playgroups

• If you have children, you can find other parents through websites like Mommy and Me and Daddy and Me. There are age-specific groups such as Mothers of Preschoolers to draw even more similarities to others parents. Do a search for your area and start networking. Perhaps you can even work out a babysitting deal for those special date nights with your spouse!

Gym or Sports League

• The gym can be more of a social place than most think. There are often exercise classes you can attend, or you can strike up a conversation while stretching or lifting weights. Put yourself out there—chances are, you’ll see the same people as you continue your membership.
• Join a bowling league or some other sports league offered in your community. The competitive camaraderie can be a great bonding experience.

Volunteer

• MilServe and Serve.gov are two sources for volunteer opportunities in and outside of the military. Participate in a great cause while meeting great people.

Classes

• The military offers financial benefits when it comes to getting a higher education. You can earn your degree and use your classes to meet new friends. Extend those social interactions by joining study groups or discussions outside the classroom.
• The military also offers classes and groups around military base actions, such as deployment. Participate in all that’s offered and use your Family Readiness Groups and briefings to meet people in similar situations.

Part-time Job

• Jobs are a way to bond with coworkers, but choosing a social environment such as a coffee shop is a way to create even more social opportunities.

Your Neighborhood

• Just by walking your dog or going to a park gets you out in the community. Greet your neighbors and introduce yourself to everyone you meet. Chances are they’re in or were in the same position as you.

Photo thanks to cristiano_betta via Flickr Creative Commons