Friendship can deepen your relationship with your spouse.

Marriage, if it is going to last, is about more than just being in love. True love means that you are not just in love, but you are also friends.

Military couples have many added obstacles in marriage. Heck, sometimes it feels like the military is the third person, and three is a crowd! Strong marriages have strong foundations in friendship. Don’t worry, you do not have to like your spouse all the time (I have a husband who sometimes drives me crazy too), but a relationship should have a healthy friendship and this friendship needs to be tended to and nurtured over the years. This friendship will help you grow together over the years as a couple.

The Golden Rule

In building your relationship it is always important to remember that the only person that you can change is yourself; you should never focus on changing someone else. If you want to be better friends with your spouse, you need to start with you, and work on being a better friend to your spouse. Really, this is just the golden rule, “Do to others what you would want them to do to you.”

Compare to Your Friends

When I sat down to think about this article, I thought of my great long-lasting friendships and how they treat me, and in turn how I treat them. The relationships that exist between my friends and I are full of indicators of mutual trust, respect and affection. When I compared my relationship with my friends to my relationship with my spouse, I was a little embarrassed to admit that I am not always a stellar example of a best friend to my spouse, but it has also opened my eyes to see where I can keep working to improve and grow our friendship as well.

25 Ways to be a Best Friend to Your Spouse

Enjoy your spouse.

1. Enjoy your spouse for who they are.

2. Discover and foster mutual interests. Best friends find things they both like to do and continue to develop those mutual interests.

3. Prioritize your spouse.

4. Spend quality time with your spouse.

5. Remind your spouse of their best qualities, especially when they feel vulnerable.

6. Criticize (without being critical). Best friends challenge you to be the best person you can be.

7. Listen, don’t judge. Our friends want to know first and foremost that we understand them.

8. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

9.  Let it go a bit when your spouse is grumpy. We all have bad days and want our friends to give us wiggle room when we have them.

10. Take notice of your spouse’s favorites. If something is important to your spouse, recognize it, even if it is not important to you.

11. Don’t take advantage of your spouse’s weaknesses. Recognize that your spouse trusts you.

12. Only speak good things about your spouse, every time and to everyone.

13. Defend your spouse in front of others. If someone talks negatively of your spouse, defend them. That is what friends do.

Find something you enjoy to do and do it with your spouse.

14. Do things for your spouse. You do not need a reason and you should no expect anything in return.

15. Tell your spouse the truth. Sometimes you need to level with your friends in a kind, respectful way.

16. Discuss your hurt or anger with your spouse during disagreements without belittling them.

17. Share in your spouses happiness. It is always more fun to be happy together!

18. Celebrate in your spouses success. If your spouse has accomplished something (even a small something) congratulate and cheer.

19. Share your interests, your thoughts and opinions. It is important to show your spouse you are willing to trust him or her with your thoughts and opinions as well.

20. Communicate clearly. You should not expect your spouse to read your mind. Be clear when expressing your thoughts.

20. Keep your spouses secrets. Your spouse needs to trust that emotions and thoughts shared with you are for your ears only.

21. Accept your spouse’s silence. Respect that sometimes your spouse is not yet ready to talk about something and be patient.

22. Laugh with your spouse.

23. Treat your spouse as your equal. Friendships are a give and take that balances out over your friendship.

24. Support your spouse’s decisions. You may sometimes disagree but in the end do your best to support your spouse in their decision.

25. Be reliable for your spouse. Sometimes we may bail on our spouse because “they will understand”. You should also make every effort to come through with what you said you would do.

The next time you snap at your spouse, or half-listen to they story they are telling about work, ask yourself if this is how you would treat your best friend. Then, ask yourself: why your spouse deserves anything less?

Photos courtesy of boliston, Chau kar, mike baird on Flickr.

Military Families are not strong by virtue of being military families but they are strong because we work to overcome all the obstacles in our way.

One of my pet peeves is when people ask me if it is hard to love a military guy. Deployments are hard. Moving is hard. Worrying is hard. Other people will say, “I don’t know how you can do it.”

But loving someone in the military is easy as pie. Really.

Part of loving someone is supporting them and going through all the things that are hard about life, together. So, we make do. We face deployments and even when he is home he misses some birthdays and family events, but we make do.

We’ve moved three times, and each time we moved, he got called away at the last minute for duty right before moving day. I was left to juggle packing and children and movers on my own, but we make do.

I fell in love with a person who happens to be in the military. Being in the military is a part of who he is and I wouldn’t change that about him even if I could. So, we make do.

I have many requests recently for advice about helping your marriage in the military — here are the six essential pillars that help me “make do” when the times are rough. 

Members of the Military Spouse Central community chimed in on what makes the six pillars — communication, trust and understanding, friendship, commitment, independence and taking no excuses — work for them in their everyday lives.

Communication

Marriage, as well as relationships in any circumstance, requires excellent communication between two people. And with the added stress of deployments and frequent times apart, communication only becomes more essential.

“Being told you are beautiful and hearing ‘I love you’ throughout the days help, but remember both sides of the partnership needs to hear them! Always “thank” each other, even if it’s something little…” – Mary Springsteen-Nyrary

Trust and Understanding

Trust each other and try to understand each other, even when you feel like you can’t quite know what it is like for the other person. Trust that they are coming from a different perspective and that their opinion and feelings are valid.

“Trust. With long separations, you have to.” – Joanne Sweat Gomez

“You married a soldier. Trust them and stand beside them in everything  they do. Understand that the soldier you married is gonna change with the experiences he sees and accept that.” – Angela Brumley Jewet

Friendship

Deepening your friendship with your spouse is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.

Personally, I think your husband should be your partner, your family and your best friend. You should always respect each other and find ways to compromise when you don’t see eye to eye.

Commitment

My grandmother was married to my grandfather for 50 years, she told me that they once felt that they had no options, no solutions and they felt there was no way they would be happy together again. She thought about divorce and he said he would not stop looking for a way back to happiness with her. She told me that when they found their way out they were stronger than ever because they came out on the other side.

You probably know many people who have gotten a divorce, but if you look deeper you will probably find some of these stories sprinkled in as well.

You need to both be 100 percent committed. Then you can really start to resolve issues because you know that you can voice your opinions and your feelings and the other person will not flee.

Independence

It is important to be your own person and have boundaries in any relationship, but especially if you are married to a military service member.  If you make your husband or wife responsible for your happiness, you will be disappointed.

Military marriage is tough but it has plenty of rewards.

I never knew how many things I could do on my own until I went through my first deployment. I wasn’t happy about doing it all myself at first, but now I take some pride in it.  It makes my spouse feel much more at ease leaving for deployment, and it makes me feel empowered because I know that when it comes down to it, I can handle things on my own.

And last but not least…

“…my number one rule is NOT using the military as an excuse for an unhappy marriage… You have to be up for the challenge and you just have to work much harder to make it work. Accept it, live it, and you will be happy.” – Mara “Cranky Pants” Shepard

Photos thanks to Lisa Parker, Official US Navy Imagery,  and Samantha Celera

These numbers can seem dramatic and troubling, and while they are obviously a signal that something is wrong, it is good to know that organizations and groups are also taking notice and measures are being taken to help military enter into healthy relationships and keep military marriages strong through rough times.

Military marriage divorce rates are still on the rise as we move into 2012.

From 2010 to 2011 the increase in divorce rates for the military was only 0.1 percent, but certain groups within the military still saw a more drastic increase. For example there was a 0.4 increase for females in the navy while females in the Marine Corps saw a 0.4 percent decrease.

Even though the increase from 2010 to 2011 was minimal in comparison to past years, it is clear that divorce rates are still climbing among military personnel. One of the Army’s more well-known intervention programs, Strong Bonds, saw this trend and donated over $100 million to marriage support. That money directly funded more than 4,000 support events at bases in the US and overseas.

Use the resources offered by the military to keep your marriage strong

Nearly one in 10 marriages ended for military women in 2011, revealing that women in the military are more than twice as likely to experience divorce with their spouse, according to the Department of Defense. So far no one has conducted research to figure out why these numbers are so high.

The most common reason pointed out is stress. The stress soldiers experience while they’re serving their country and the stress military spouses endure while their loved ones are away. Dealing with this stress is different for every individual, that’s why it is important to be open with asking for help if you’re experiencing stress within your military marriage.

A number of organizations and websites believe in devoting time to helping military couples through these hard times. Here at Veterans United we’ve created guides and articles with this strengthening of military marriages in mind. Here are a few to look through and some ideas for keeping this Valentine’s Day special:

• Defend Yourself Against Deployment Depression 
• Vent Anger Without Secondhand Stress
• Say AHHH! A Check-Up for Your Marriage 
• 4 Ways to Keep Them Close While They’re Away 
• 8 Homemade Valentine’s Day Gifts for a Care Package 

Photo Courtesy of familymwr