Often someone with PTSD just wants someone who will listen to them.

Do you know a military veteran who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Is it a spouse, relative, or friend? What you say can help or harm them.

Here is a list of things you should never say to someone with PTSD:

Give it time. It’ll go away.

Giving it time will not make it simply go away. The symptoms of PTSD are more than simple emotions of anger or fear. Only treatment will the symptoms diminish over time.

It can’t really be that bad.

It’s pretty bad for the person experiencing it. We’re unable to place ourselves in their position to make a true judgment of PTSD’s severity.

It’s all in your head.

This insinuates that the sufferer of PTSD has control over their symptoms. Unfortunately, they do not.

You must have done something really bad over there.

This is the equivalent of asking a soldier if he had ever killed anyone in combat.  Nothing good comes from this type of comment.

This proves we shouldn’t be in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc.

Regardless of how you feel about our military presence overseas, talking to a veteran with PTSD is not the time to push a political agenda.

Here’s my advice…

In addition to not saying the wrong things, it’s important to know how to listen. If someone with PTSD opens up to you they are not looking for advice. They are trying to make sense of what they are feeling. Also, know your limits. Sometimes what someone wants to share with us is beyond our abilities to handle them.

If you or someone you know might be suffering from PTSD, you can find help through the National Center for PTSD.

Photo: U.S. Army

Rejoice in the fact that your service member is home.

Homecoming is a hard thing to prep for as a military spouse. It’s hard to keep your mind from wandering. The imagination runs wild, and after being on your own so long, it feel nice to hope and fantasize about how all of your worries and your loneliness will melt away and magically your family will move forward without missing a beat.

Unfortunately, that’s seldom the case.

It’s key to remember that a successful reintegration and homecoming is one that has few expectations, because disappointment can really sour everything. One area that expectations are hard to manage is in the bedroom.

Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marriage. It is a wonderful way to reunite with your spouse and express love and affection.

But homecoming reunions are not always “sexy”. Homecoming is an unforgettably wonderful, amazing and memorable time. But homecoming is also just as confusing, frustrating, stressful and complicated as it is joyous. For most people, there are just as many knots in your stomach as there are butterflies.

Both of You Have Changed

Time has passed, and no matter how many letters you have written or Skype dates you have had with your spouse, your spouse has changed and you have changed as well. This is completely normal, but it takes some adjustment. Both of you are nervous and clumsy and giggly or crying and you have to realize that it’s fine for the reunion to not be the slow-motion run and long, romantic kiss like you see in the movies. Give it time.

It’s important to get some shut-eye — both you and your soldier.

Get Some Shut-Eye

Forget the spouse who tells you all about their 12-hour “locked door” session the night her husband came home, a vast majority of service members come home dead tired. They have likely traveled for multiple days with no shower and little sleep. Get some sleep. It’s good for both of you after the anxiety leading up to homecoming, and you will enjoy yourself more when it is time for intimacy if you both have gotten some rest.

Awkward Encounters

It is very common for couples to need to readjust to being sexually intimate after such a long time apart. If you have to, go slow and realize that it may not always be your most memorable experience the first couple of times. Remember, your spouse is home now, so you don’t have to rush.

Stress on Your Sex Life

Let’s face it — reintegration is stressful for every service member. Stress hurts our bodies and can cause a number of different symptoms such as tense muscles, irritability, loss of concentration, cramping, headaches, upset stomach and, of course, loss of libido.

Post-Traumatic Stress can make sex and intimacy even more difficult. Service members and veterans with PTS may have sudden and unpredictable flashbacks and in some cases heightened sexual arousal can trigger flashbacks, especially during the initial adjustment period.

Tips

Intimacy is very important, but you can be intimate with your partner without having sex.

• Talk about sex with your spouse. It may be hard to start talking about it but having an honest discussion is sometimes all it takes to get back in the saddle.
• Sleep and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, lack of sleep and even changes in diet or physical activity can all get your libido off-kilter.
• Don’t put too much pressure on the sex. Many people put so much hype into having sex that the thought of it makes them stressed out.
• Get intimate in a non-sexual way. Feeling emotionally intimate can make sex feel less awkward. Get used to touching each other again without the pressure of sex: holding hands, hugging and cuddling are all good places to start!
• If you continue to have problems talk to a counselor or your health care provider. Sexual dysfunction is extremely common and usually temporary.
• Don’t give up. Sex is not only good for your relationship — it’s actually healthy! Sex is a natural mood elevator and it decreases stress.

Marriage is less about loving someone for your whole life and more about continuing to learn about your spouse and fall in love with them all over again. We all change over time and the only thing we can do is continue to make the effort to reconnect and renew our bonds to our spouse.

Just remember that for all the visions that we imagine of homecoming, the real magic of homecoming is that you are reunited with your loved one!

photo courtesy of The U.S. Army, surecat, Brent Gambrell

U.S. Army Spc. Newton Carlicci travels dismounted while on his way back to his outpost from the village of Paspajak, Charkh District, Logar province, Afghanistan.

There are certain things that are impossible prepare for, losing a spouse being chief among them. As a military spouse I can talk about the possibility, discuss options and get finances in order ahead of time. I have thought about the very real possibility that my husband would be killed, captured, disabled or severely injured either physically or mentally. I have prayer and support networks, but I will just never be prepared for that reality.

When I first heard the news about Robert Bales, the soldier accused of killing 17 Afghan civilians, I felt an intense mixture of horror, disgust, sadness, fear, grief, loss and confusion. I was angry at a soldier for killing Afghan civilians, including children. I was angry that someone would do this. I felt like screaming and crying and yelling. I was angry at Robert Bales for being so selfish. How could he do this to other soldiers? By killing these civilians this angry soldier is endangering every American soldier’s life by further adding to Afghan unrest. I was sad for Robert Bales, his family and countless other soldiers struggling every day.

Trading Places

I haven’t weighed in on this story because I felt like I didn’t know enough about the details. I don’t know if Robert Bales did or did not have PTSD or if he is or isn’t aware of his actions. I don’t know what the solution is, and I don’t know who to blame. Mostly I just wished it hadn’t happened. It took this article about Robert Bales’ wife for the reality to hit home. Karilyn Bales is a wife, a mother and a military spouse who by all appearances has done her best to hold down the home front. She’s now facing a reality you can’t prepare for.

And I suddenly realized that Karilyn Bales could be me.

Most of us will never have to go through the loss of our spouse and most of us will never know what it feels like to be in Karilyn Bale’s place. Hopefully, no military spouse will ever have to feel this way again. One thing we all need to be wary of is presuming to feel like this couldn’t happen to us.

Searching for Answers

Many in the military immediately tried to distance themselves from Robert Bales. The military has basically denied this could be the work of combat stress, TBI or PTSD. I don’t pretend to know. I do know that Robert Bales was a husband and a father. He advanced in the Army and by the book was an upstanding soldier. Karilyn Bales has a 4-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. Here’s a snipped of her first public statement:

“I, too, want to know what happened. I want to know how this could be,” she said. “The victims and their families are all in my prayers, as is my husband who I love very much.”

We send our spouses off to war and we wait for them to come home. This isn’t the homecoming Karilyn Bates envisioned.

Let us know what your reaction is in the comments below. 

Photo courtesy of The U.S. Army

About one in five military members returning from Iraq and Afghanistan report PTSD symptoms, but only half typically seek treatment, according to a 2008 study by the Rand Corporation.

Spouses can face an array of challenges when a loved one begins to exhibit symptoms of the disorder. But there are paths to treatment and help for spouses and service members alike.

Recognizing PTSD

Traumatic, shocking or disturbing events can cause PTSD. Witnessing deaths of fellow service members or surviving a life-threatening event may cause PTSD, too. Mainly, PTSD anxiety is rooted in reliving the traumatic event.

Several symptoms may come and go, but the disorder will remain. Common symptoms can include:

• Nightmares or sleeplessness
• Extreme apathy
• Hypersensitivity, especially to loud noises, commotion or crowds
• Anxiety, irritability
• Inability to concentrate
• Detachment from people
• Intense flashbacks

Talking to Your Spouse about PTSD

If these symptoms sound familiar and occur frequently your spouse may have PTSD, which requires professional help. Take a sensitive, affectionate approach that shows you care. Something like, “It seems something is bothering you. Let’s talk to the VA and our primary physician” can be effective.

If you’re a wife talking to your husband, your words could either trigger a macho response or guide him in the right direction. Men with PTSD have tendencies to get embarrassed, tight-lipped or aggressive. Tell your husband that together you should seek help for the sake of your marriage and family.

Getting Help

Therapeutic treatments, which may be covered by the VA, are designed to help PTSD veterans talk through their symptoms. Whether a veteran chooses group, family, exposure or cognitive therapy is up to him or her. Guidelines for talking to doctors about PTSD may help, too.

Regardless of the treatment your veteran spouse chooses, be supportive.

At the same time, feel comfortable introducing your spouse to additional treatment options. An abundance of veteran organizations make it their mission to get veterans helping other veterans. Veterans of Foreign Wars, Wounded Warrior Project and Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America are great resources to suggest to your spouse for developing connections with other veterans.

What may be seen as “alternative treatments” in treating PTSD have gained traction in recent years. Yoga and acupuncture introduce meditative or therapeutic relief, especially when combined with other therapies. With the finding that antipsychotic and antidepressant medications aren’t as effective as desired, some veterans pursue these alternative treatments in conjunction with therapy or medication.

Encouraging your spouse to maintain a healthy lifestyle is important to overcoming PTSD symptoms. If the timing for encouragement doesn’t seem right, at least ensure that your spouse does not pick up unhealthy habits. Eating right, exercising and staying employed are keys to good health and will possibly minimize PTSD symptoms.

With as much as 20 percent of veterans coming home with PTSD, spouses want to be prepared to help their veteran spouse deal with PTSD. The National Center for PTSD is loaded with resources.

Figuring out how to help your veteran spouse cope with PTSD may take time. Don’t try to rush your husband or wife to therapy. Remind them you’re there to help and show them affection when they’re ready. Together, the two of you can alleviate PTSD’s effects, and keep your relationship healthy.

Photo thanks to BBCworldservice via Flickr Creative Commons

Helping your military spouse through his/her PTSD symptoms can be a difficult road. But, what if your spouse is fighting a different battle? Breast Cancer. According to a 2009 study, military women are 20 to 40 percent more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer than other women in the same age groups.  Here’s how breast cancer and the military collide.

The reality is that homecomings can prove challenging for service members and those who love them.

“Reunion with family often is idealized as a quick, smooth return to normalcy,” according to the American Psychological Association’s Help Center. “The reality may fall short of that ideal.”

Expectations v. Reality

Savior your reunion and try to avoid having huge expectations

Readjusting after returning home can take time, patience and commitment from everyone involved. To make the homecoming transition as smooth as possible, realistic expectations and open communication is crucial.

Military members returning home might anticipate a problem-free readjustment full of fun and excitement. But the notion that it’ll be possible to immediately resume life as it was, prior to deployment, is often misleading.

Service members may believe that relationships with children and spouses will be just as they were before leaving. But actually homecomings are full of mixed emotions and stages of adjustment.

According to a report from After Deployment.org, the stages of readjustment typically include:

Honeymoon

• There’s a sense of euphoria and relief
• Conflicts are typically avoided
• Focus on family time

Adjustment

• Realization that changes need to be made
• Expectations are changed and tested
• Pressures of daily life gets stronger
• More conflict with each other

Integration

• Adjustment in roles
• Decrease in conflict
• Disagreements are addressed

Upon returning home expectations and reality often collide. While everyone is glad you’re home, they may not want to spend a lot of time talking about your experiences.

Remember to expect even less from children, they will take time to adjust as things change at home.

Spouses may have become more independent while you were away, and children can gain a new sense of maturity and, sometimes, distance during separation, according to the National Center for PTSD.  It is important to have a flexible outlook on priorities within the household.

Readjustment Reminders

It’s important for military members and family members to be open minded, patient and caring when the time comes to reestablish family bonds and old routines.

Communication may be difficult after a separation and closeness may also be awkward. Only time and effort can help bridge the emotional distance.

Service members with children should be understanding of their feelings and allow the child to be the first to renew the bond. Also, finding a place within the new family structure does not have to happen right away; it’s all right to take things slow.

Additional Resources

The National Center for PTSD

www.afterdeployment.org

How to Move without your Military Spouse
While your military spouse is deployed, chances are you might have to move homes. This process can be intimidating in the least, but when you have to do it by yourself it can be terrifying. Check out these moving tips for when you find yourself having to move houses without your military spouse.

Photo thanks to heraldpost and DVIDShub via Flickr Creative Commons