Even though the deployment itself can be stressful, the worst part can be the weeks leading up to a spouse’s homecoming. Even though you may have kept in fairly steady contact, it is very normal to be concerned about changes that have occurred and reintegration to civilian life.

Often stress and anticipation build as the days count down. Try these 7 stress relievers to help calm worries and anxieties before homecoming.

Homecoming is such a highly anticipated event that it can cause stress and anxiety.

Busy Work

If you find yourself constantly thinking and worrying about a homecoming, busy yourself with things to do around the house that you usually put off.

Actually dust the top shelf, shake the rugs or reorganize the junk drawer. These semi-mindless tasks can help take your mind off of your worries as well as give you confidence that your home will be in tip top shape for their return. Its great to take your mind off of things and take an active role in preparing for your spouse’s return.

Do avoid getting caught up in to the point that you are worrying about making the house “spotless” and “just right” for your returning spouse.

Music

Because of our daily exposure to music in the car, on our iPods and even on television, people often forget that music has some great healing qualities to help get us out of a funk.

If you’re really stressed try listening to classical or smooth jazz and if you really need to blow off some steam blast your favorite song in the car and sing along. Losing yourself in the music can be a cathartic and relaxing experience.

Exercise

If you’re feeling really stressed out about homecoming, consider going for a run or getting into a daily exercise routine.

Not only will the endorphins released during exercise help you feel better, the improvements in how you look and feel can give you an extra boost of confidence when you feel run down.

Meditation

At first you may envision a Buddhist monk when you think of meditation, but in reality meditation and mindfulness is something that anyone can do and benefit from.

Meditation can be as simple as taking 10 minutes out of your day to sit and focus your mind on one thing. If you calm yourself and just think about your slow, steady breathing, you’ll be surprised how much more relaxed you’ll feel.

Confide In A Friend

Sometimes the hardest part of stressing about a homecoming is the constant stream of worry going through your head. Rather than run over the same thoughts a hundred times, meet or call a friend and ask if you can bounce some ideas off of them to see if you’re making any sense.

Friends can reassure you that you’re just overthinking everything and help you calm down by simply talking through it.

Family Activities

Family activities are a great way to clear your mind.Work with children, extended family members and even friends to make a welcome home sign or just set up a fun craft or baking activity to do together.

Spending time with your family and friends can help remind you that everything will be okay and, more importantly, that you aren’t alone in the nervous excitement about homecoming.

Picking an outfit for homecoming is all about making sure you feel attractive, comfortable and confident!

Switch Up Your Style

Most military spouses will tell you that before their service member returned, they stopped at the mall to pick up a new dress or stopped at the hairdresser to get a new do.

Although this may seem cliché or superficial, chances are you’ve been spreading yourself thin for months beforehand and taking a moment to focus on yourself and feel confident is long overdue and helpful.

If you’re stressing out about an upcoming homecoming, the most important thing you can do is understand that the worry is normal and chances are, your spouse is just as nervous about seeing you again. Focus on the excitement and happiness surrounding a homecoming and enjoy the family reunion.

Photos thanks to Official US Navy Imagery and s-a-m via Flickr Creative Commons

Prevention and early detection is a key to physical health and wellness. The wonderful thing about regular visits is catching diseases, health problems and concerns before troubling symptoms and complications set in. You can treat the problem while it is small and easy to manage.

It is better for your marriage to identify and fix issues before problems grow from a snowball to an avalanche. Catching problems in your relationship makes it easier to change habits and minimize the damage. So what should you look for when you do a marriage check-up?

Here are four basic things to think about when you do a relationship check-up.

#1. Together Time

You probably know that it is important to spend time with your spouse. As a military spouse, you are challenged from the very beginning to carve out time with your husband or wife but that’s not an excuse!

During deployments or other time away utilize the time you do have and carve out special routines, times or rituals to connect. Check out our post on romance during deployment.

When your spouse is home, make time for the two of you to be together. Many people suggest finding an activity to do together, but be careful that you are not letting an activity get in the way. It can easily become more about the activity than the connection. Try to make time together that does not have kids, school activities, other friends or a to-do list involved. It isn’t always easy, so sometimes you have to be creative to get time together.

Check to make sure that you are regularly carving out together time in your schedule

#2. Alone Time

Easy, our spouses are away for long stretches so we have plenty of time away from each other, right? Wrong. This does not really count as time alone within your marriage. Alone time is time to have privacy, do your own thing and to be your own person.

Maybe those who do not have children have enough alone time while their spouse is away, but for those who have kids, trust me, the time when your spouse is away can hardly be counted as time to yourself.

As for your spouse, the military may be a big part of who your spouse is, but they still need “non-military alone time”. It is sometimes hard for us to allow for this after our spouses come home from being deployed or at training for a long time, but suffocating them is never a good thing.

Check to make sure you are giving both you and your spouse enough personal time.

#3. Get Physical

Physical expression is a very important part of human interaction.

This includes sexual and non-sexual touching. Touching is incredibly important to your relationship and simple touches can be a good thing to think about and be aware of. Touching can affect your mood drastically and even something as simple as holding hands can make a cumulative difference in your marriage.

Check to make sure you and your spouse are making efforts to physically connect with each other.

#4. Respect

This one is one that I personally catch myself slipping up on the most. It is easy to get grumpy and irritable with your spouse and it is easy to let things slip.

Your spouse winds up getting the not-so-pretty side of you and you get the less-than-courteous side of them. No matter what, you should try to be polite and use manners, even with your spouse! Saying please and thank you can go a long way in almost any situation.

Do not speak badly of your spouse to people outside of the relationship, and make an effort to consciously listen and show interest in your spouse’s thoughts, feelings and opinions.

It is easy to let your behavior slip because you are comfortable with your spouse. Comfort and honesty does not remove the need to consciously and actively respect your spouse. Think about how you talk to your best friends, your colleagues, and other people who you respect.

Check to make sure you are treating each other with respect.

These check ups are a great way to find things to improve on, things that need some attention, some work or just to help us refocus. It is also a very constructive way to talk about your relationship with your spouse.

Let us know how you check up on your marriage in our comments section!

Photo thanks to sidknee23 via Flickr Creative Commons

Because so much pressure is put on this one moment, it is easy for military spouses left at home to dream of the perfect reunion. There’s a push to get in shape, spotlessly clean the house, cook a fantastic meal, get a haircut, go shopping for new clothes and show up at the airport looking like a movie star.

Deciding how extended family, parents and friends can be involved in homecoming can be an additional stressor on both the military spouse at home and deployed service members.

If you’re concerned about integrating your extended family and parent-in-laws into the homecoming festivities, use these tips to build a personal plan of action.

How many is too many?

Because of all the excitement surrounding a homecoming, it’s easy to think that there should be a giant party with everyone you’ve ever met waiting for them after they step off the plane. Before you send out invitations though, think about your spouse.

Think about how you feel after a long trip complete with exhaustion and jet lag, and add to that the stress of being deployed for the past however many months.  Talk with your spouse and decide together on how many will be too many and become overwhelming.

For some the big reunion works but you need to evaluate carefully, is it really the time for a massive family reunion at the airport?

Plan it

The military lifestyle is full of surprises and planning too much is something that can leave you with unfulfilled expectations.

Although you may not be able to plan down to the minute, decide what you generally want to happen. Who will be there at the airport, waiting at home, visiting in the first few days or weeks? Talk together about who your spouse wants to see first, how long they want visits to be, and what type of visits they are (group, individual, over an activity or in a quiet laid back setting).

What is important?

If your spouse is coming back from deployment for an extended period of time, the most important thing should be getting back into a family routine.

This may not include extended family and should really focus on the spouse and children.

Just ask

As important as the day is to you, it is really all about the returning service member. It is important to ask what they want.

Who will they be comfortable with at the airport or waiting at home right away? Try to keep an open mind for what they want to do. They may want to take things slow or jump right in, and you should try to be okay with that. Remember to discuss all aspects including who, what, when, where and how long for visits.

It also may be helpful to have an exit strategy for you and your spouse if visits become too long or too much. Prepare a signal for each other and have a way to excuse you and your family from the visit early.

Mother in laws & family

Military wives especially struggle with sharing their husbands with their mother-in-law upon homecoming. He is your husband and you miss him very much, but he is also her child and she’s been worried sick.

Don’t judge yourself or think you’re completely selfish when you want to spend time alone with your loved one after deployment. But try to consider and respect the relationship your husband has with other family members and friends that are important to him. He may want to include them in homecoming activities. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Breaking the news: If you and your deployed service member decide that homecoming should be an intimate family event for the first few days, breaking the news to those who would like to be involved can be scary. The fear of a hostile reaction is nerve racking for everyone and the best course of action may be to have the person deployed let people like parents and siblings know the plan. Hearing it directly from the source can ease harsh reactions.

• Take a walk in her shoes: It’s easy to get frustrated with your mother-in-law for controlling too much about the day. However, it’s important to take a step back and decide how you would feel about your own child in the same situation. Remind any upset mother-in-laws that this process is a two way street and she should respect the marital bond and the difficulty of reintegrating. Literature on the importance of reestablishing marital and family bonds after deployment should be available from your FRG or military support, sometimes this information can help you start the conversation.

• Secret operation: Some decide the solution to taking things slow without hurting anyone’s feelings is to not tell anyone. As tempting as this may sound, politely asking for some alone time is a lot easier than conducting a secret CIA operation. The secret operation route has a lot more potential to damage relationships for the long term. If you are discovered, the deception and the hurt associated with not telling extended family members can be hard to overcome.

Keep an open mind

Remember that homecoming is just like every other event and there might be mix-ups, delays and letdowns. The best plan to have is one that rolls with the punches and remains flexible with any last-minute changes.

Photo thanks to U. S. Coast Guard via Flickr Creative Commons

The reality is that homecomings can prove challenging for service members and those who love them.

“Reunion with family often is idealized as a quick, smooth return to normalcy,” according to the American Psychological Association’s Help Center. “The reality may fall short of that ideal.”

Expectations v. Reality

Savior your reunion and try to avoid having huge expectations

Readjusting after returning home can take time, patience and commitment from everyone involved. To make the homecoming transition as smooth as possible, realistic expectations and open communication is crucial.

Military members returning home might anticipate a problem-free readjustment full of fun and excitement. But the notion that it’ll be possible to immediately resume life as it was, prior to deployment, is often misleading.

Service members may believe that relationships with children and spouses will be just as they were before leaving. But actually homecomings are full of mixed emotions and stages of adjustment.

According to a report from After Deployment.org, the stages of readjustment typically include:

Honeymoon

• There’s a sense of euphoria and relief
• Conflicts are typically avoided
• Focus on family time

Adjustment

• Realization that changes need to be made
• Expectations are changed and tested
• Pressures of daily life gets stronger
• More conflict with each other

Integration

• Adjustment in roles
• Decrease in conflict
• Disagreements are addressed

Upon returning home expectations and reality often collide. While everyone is glad you’re home, they may not want to spend a lot of time talking about your experiences.

Remember to expect even less from children, they will take time to adjust as things change at home.

Spouses may have become more independent while you were away, and children can gain a new sense of maturity and, sometimes, distance during separation, according to the National Center for PTSD.  It is important to have a flexible outlook on priorities within the household.

Readjustment Reminders

It’s important for military members and family members to be open minded, patient and caring when the time comes to reestablish family bonds and old routines.

Communication may be difficult after a separation and closeness may also be awkward. Only time and effort can help bridge the emotional distance.

Service members with children should be understanding of their feelings and allow the child to be the first to renew the bond. Also, finding a place within the new family structure does not have to happen right away; it’s all right to take things slow.

Additional Resources

The National Center for PTSD

www.afterdeployment.org

How to Move without your Military Spouse
While your military spouse is deployed, chances are you might have to move homes. This process can be intimidating in the least, but when you have to do it by yourself it can be terrifying. Check out these moving tips for when you find yourself having to move houses without your military spouse.

Photo thanks to heraldpost and DVIDShub via Flickr Creative Commons