Rejoice in the fact that your service member is home.

Homecoming is a hard thing to prep for as a military spouse. It’s hard to keep your mind from wandering. The imagination runs wild, and after being on your own so long, it feel nice to hope and fantasize about how all of your worries and your loneliness will melt away and magically your family will move forward without missing a beat.

Unfortunately, that’s seldom the case.

It’s key to remember that a successful reintegration and homecoming is one that has few expectations, because disappointment can really sour everything. One area that expectations are hard to manage is in the bedroom.

Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marriage. It is a wonderful way to reunite with your spouse and express love and affection.

But homecoming reunions are not always “sexy”. Homecoming is an unforgettably wonderful, amazing and memorable time. But homecoming is also just as confusing, frustrating, stressful and complicated as it is joyous. For most people, there are just as many knots in your stomach as there are butterflies.

Both of You Have Changed

Time has passed, and no matter how many letters you have written or Skype dates you have had with your spouse, your spouse has changed and you have changed as well. This is completely normal, but it takes some adjustment. Both of you are nervous and clumsy and giggly or crying and you have to realize that it’s fine for the reunion to not be the slow-motion run and long, romantic kiss like you see in the movies. Give it time.

It’s important to get some shut-eye — both you and your soldier.

Get Some Shut-Eye

Forget the spouse who tells you all about their 12-hour “locked door” session the night her husband came home, a vast majority of service members come home dead tired. They have likely traveled for multiple days with no shower and little sleep. Get some sleep. It’s good for both of you after the anxiety leading up to homecoming, and you will enjoy yourself more when it is time for intimacy if you both have gotten some rest.

Awkward Encounters

It is very common for couples to need to readjust to being sexually intimate after such a long time apart. If you have to, go slow and realize that it may not always be your most memorable experience the first couple of times. Remember, your spouse is home now, so you don’t have to rush.

Stress on Your Sex Life

Let’s face it — reintegration is stressful for every service member. Stress hurts our bodies and can cause a number of different symptoms such as tense muscles, irritability, loss of concentration, cramping, headaches, upset stomach and, of course, loss of libido.

Post-Traumatic Stress can make sex and intimacy even more difficult. Service members and veterans with PTS may have sudden and unpredictable flashbacks and in some cases heightened sexual arousal can trigger flashbacks, especially during the initial adjustment period.

Tips

Intimacy is very important, but you can be intimate with your partner without having sex.

• Talk about sex with your spouse. It may be hard to start talking about it but having an honest discussion is sometimes all it takes to get back in the saddle.
• Sleep and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, lack of sleep and even changes in diet or physical activity can all get your libido off-kilter.
• Don’t put too much pressure on the sex. Many people put so much hype into having sex that the thought of it makes them stressed out.
• Get intimate in a non-sexual way. Feeling emotionally intimate can make sex feel less awkward. Get used to touching each other again without the pressure of sex: holding hands, hugging and cuddling are all good places to start!
• If you continue to have problems talk to a counselor or your health care provider. Sexual dysfunction is extremely common and usually temporary.
• Don’t give up. Sex is not only good for your relationship — it’s actually healthy! Sex is a natural mood elevator and it decreases stress.

Marriage is less about loving someone for your whole life and more about continuing to learn about your spouse and fall in love with them all over again. We all change over time and the only thing we can do is continue to make the effort to reconnect and renew our bonds to our spouse.

Just remember that for all the visions that we imagine of homecoming, the real magic of homecoming is that you are reunited with your loved one!

photo courtesy of The U.S. Army, surecat, Brent Gambrell

Sometimes a marriage need a little reinforcement to ride out the inconsistencies of military life. Whether it’s to revive or just maintain a healthy marriage, here are some resources designed specifically for the military marriage:

Marriages take commitment and attention.

Military OneSource

Military OneSource offers free non-medical counseling to service members and spouses. Non-medical counseling revolves around everyday issues, stress and anger management, adjustment after deployment and parenting and grief issues. Married couples can receive referrals for up to 12 sessions with licensed professionals without cost. Sessions can be face-to-face or over the phone. Start by calling 800-342-9647 or visiting the website.

Military Life Family Consultants

Non-medical services are offered through experienced clinical providers. They can provide support as well as refer situations needing additional psychological health support. Additional issues may include PTSD, suicidal thoughts or substance abuse.

Military couples can get in touch with a Family Life Consultant in their home installation. Resources include Army Community Services, Marine Corps Community Services, Navy Fleet and Family Support Centers, Airman and Family Readiness Centers, and National Guard and Reserve members. For more information call 888-755-9355.

DCE Outreach Center

The Defense Centers of Excellence provides confidential support for free when military members call 866-966-1020 or sign into Real Warriors Live Chat.

Installation Services 

There are typically military relationship enhancement classes offered through family support or service centers, chaplain services or through similar civilian sources.

Military Medical Treatment Facility

Each branch of the military and Defense Department civilian employees who have been deployed can go to the Military Medical for evaluation and treatment of medical conditions such as PTSD and substance abuse.

Using TRICARE

Military couples can look at eligibility requirements for TRICARE’s Mental and Behavioral Health services and find a provider. Members can also call 866-966-1020 or contact a civilian provider.

There is also a TRICARE Assistance Program (TRIAP) offered to active duty family members that includes a 24-hour web-based counseling service for non-medical issues using video chat and instant messaging with licensed counselors.

Take advantage of the resources the military provides for your marriage.

Free Marriage Retreats

There are multiple retreats offered to military couples free of cost, including:

• In addition to a free retreat, the Coming Home Project offers workshops to servicemembers of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. Locations include San Antonio, San Francisco, San Diego and Washington, D.C.
• For Reservists and Guardsmen who have been home from Operation Iraqi Freedom and/or Operation Enduring Freedom for six months, Compass Retreat Center provides a weeklong camp in Seymour, Ind.
• For service members who have returned from deployment for at least three months but no more than 15 can attend a four-day program through Operation Purple sponsored by the National Military Family Association.
• Project New Hope provides combat veterans and their families three-day programs in Minnesota, Wisconsin and New York
• For six days and five nights, Project Sanctuary works to strengthen marriages with a cost-free retreat in the Colorado Rocky Mountains.

Photos courtesy of Sergio Vassio and The National Guard

Even though the deployment itself can be stressful, the worst part can be the weeks leading up to a spouse’s homecoming. Even though you may have kept in fairly steady contact, it is very normal to be concerned about changes that have occurred and reintegration to civilian life.

Often stress and anticipation build as the days count down. Try these 7 stress relievers to help calm worries and anxieties before homecoming.

Homecoming is such a highly anticipated event that it can cause stress and anxiety.

Busy Work

If you find yourself constantly thinking and worrying about a homecoming, busy yourself with things to do around the house that you usually put off.

Actually dust the top shelf, shake the rugs or reorganize the junk drawer. These semi-mindless tasks can help take your mind off of your worries as well as give you confidence that your home will be in tip top shape for their return. Its great to take your mind off of things and take an active role in preparing for your spouse’s return.

Do avoid getting caught up in to the point that you are worrying about making the house “spotless” and “just right” for your returning spouse.

Music

Because of our daily exposure to music in the car, on our iPods and even on television, people often forget that music has some great healing qualities to help get us out of a funk.

If you’re really stressed try listening to classical or smooth jazz and if you really need to blow off some steam blast your favorite song in the car and sing along. Losing yourself in the music can be a cathartic and relaxing experience.

Exercise

If you’re feeling really stressed out about homecoming, consider going for a run or getting into a daily exercise routine.

Not only will the endorphins released during exercise help you feel better, the improvements in how you look and feel can give you an extra boost of confidence when you feel run down.

Meditation

At first you may envision a Buddhist monk when you think of meditation, but in reality meditation and mindfulness is something that anyone can do and benefit from.

Meditation can be as simple as taking 10 minutes out of your day to sit and focus your mind on one thing. If you calm yourself and just think about your slow, steady breathing, you’ll be surprised how much more relaxed you’ll feel.

Confide In A Friend

Sometimes the hardest part of stressing about a homecoming is the constant stream of worry going through your head. Rather than run over the same thoughts a hundred times, meet or call a friend and ask if you can bounce some ideas off of them to see if you’re making any sense.

Friends can reassure you that you’re just overthinking everything and help you calm down by simply talking through it.

Family Activities

Family activities are a great way to clear your mind.Work with children, extended family members and even friends to make a welcome home sign or just set up a fun craft or baking activity to do together.

Spending time with your family and friends can help remind you that everything will be okay and, more importantly, that you aren’t alone in the nervous excitement about homecoming.

Picking an outfit for homecoming is all about making sure you feel attractive, comfortable and confident!

Switch Up Your Style

Most military spouses will tell you that before their service member returned, they stopped at the mall to pick up a new dress or stopped at the hairdresser to get a new do.

Although this may seem cliché or superficial, chances are you’ve been spreading yourself thin for months beforehand and taking a moment to focus on yourself and feel confident is long overdue and helpful.

If you’re stressing out about an upcoming homecoming, the most important thing you can do is understand that the worry is normal and chances are, your spouse is just as nervous about seeing you again. Focus on the excitement and happiness surrounding a homecoming and enjoy the family reunion.

Photos thanks to Official US Navy Imagery and s-a-m via Flickr Creative Commons

Try some of these easy activities to welcome your spouse home for the holidays:

Deck the halls

Hanging decorations around the house while holiday music plays is simple and relatively low energy. Asking your military spouse to climb the roof and staple lights may be too demanding.

Photos

Make some hot cocoa, snuggle and look at photos from last year’s holiday season.

Movies

Holiday movies put people in the spirit. Pick your spouse’s favorite movie and watch it together for a simple night in.

Ice skating

If your spouse feels comfortable on skates, take him or her to a rink for an evening that promises some falls and some laughs.

Wrap gifts

Hide the things you bought for your spouse and invite them to help you wrap presents for other recipients.

Bake goods

It’s not common for a service member to return home and turn down home-baked goods. Ask your spouse to chop nuts or blend batter.

Light gazing

Military families with children are sure to hear the young ones request a drive through a light spectacle. Take the whole family to a nearby park or neighborhood that went all out.

Start a new tradition

This can be whatever you’d like it to be. The possibilities are endless. It can be silly or routine as long as it embraces the holiday spirit and brings a smile to your military spouse’s face.

Photo thanks to Aubry Aragon via Flickr Creative Commons

About one in five military members returning from Iraq and Afghanistan report PTSD symptoms, but only half typically seek treatment, according to a 2008 study by the Rand Corporation.

Spouses can face an array of challenges when a loved one begins to exhibit symptoms of the disorder. But there are paths to treatment and help for spouses and service members alike.

Recognizing PTSD

Traumatic, shocking or disturbing events can cause PTSD. Witnessing deaths of fellow service members or surviving a life-threatening event may cause PTSD, too. Mainly, PTSD anxiety is rooted in reliving the traumatic event.

Several symptoms may come and go, but the disorder will remain. Common symptoms can include:

• Nightmares or sleeplessness
• Extreme apathy
• Hypersensitivity, especially to loud noises, commotion or crowds
• Anxiety, irritability
• Inability to concentrate
• Detachment from people
• Intense flashbacks

Talking to Your Spouse about PTSD

If these symptoms sound familiar and occur frequently your spouse may have PTSD, which requires professional help. Take a sensitive, affectionate approach that shows you care. Something like, “It seems something is bothering you. Let’s talk to the VA and our primary physician” can be effective.

If you’re a wife talking to your husband, your words could either trigger a macho response or guide him in the right direction. Men with PTSD have tendencies to get embarrassed, tight-lipped or aggressive. Tell your husband that together you should seek help for the sake of your marriage and family.

Getting Help

Therapeutic treatments, which may be covered by the VA, are designed to help PTSD veterans talk through their symptoms. Whether a veteran chooses group, family, exposure or cognitive therapy is up to him or her. Guidelines for talking to doctors about PTSD may help, too.

Regardless of the treatment your veteran spouse chooses, be supportive.

At the same time, feel comfortable introducing your spouse to additional treatment options. An abundance of veteran organizations make it their mission to get veterans helping other veterans. Veterans of Foreign Wars, Wounded Warrior Project and Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America are great resources to suggest to your spouse for developing connections with other veterans.

What may be seen as “alternative treatments” in treating PTSD have gained traction in recent years. Yoga and acupuncture introduce meditative or therapeutic relief, especially when combined with other therapies. With the finding that antipsychotic and antidepressant medications aren’t as effective as desired, some veterans pursue these alternative treatments in conjunction with therapy or medication.

Encouraging your spouse to maintain a healthy lifestyle is important to overcoming PTSD symptoms. If the timing for encouragement doesn’t seem right, at least ensure that your spouse does not pick up unhealthy habits. Eating right, exercising and staying employed are keys to good health and will possibly minimize PTSD symptoms.

With as much as 20 percent of veterans coming home with PTSD, spouses want to be prepared to help their veteran spouse deal with PTSD. The National Center for PTSD is loaded with resources.

Figuring out how to help your veteran spouse cope with PTSD may take time. Don’t try to rush your husband or wife to therapy. Remind them you’re there to help and show them affection when they’re ready. Together, the two of you can alleviate PTSD’s effects, and keep your relationship healthy.

Photo thanks to BBCworldservice via Flickr Creative Commons

Helping your military spouse through his/her PTSD symptoms can be a difficult road. But, what if your spouse is fighting a different battle? Breast Cancer. According to a 2009 study, military women are 20 to 40 percent more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer than other women in the same age groups.  Here’s how breast cancer and the military collide.

The reality is that homecomings can prove challenging for service members and those who love them.

“Reunion with family often is idealized as a quick, smooth return to normalcy,” according to the American Psychological Association’s Help Center. “The reality may fall short of that ideal.”

Expectations v. Reality

Savior your reunion and try to avoid having huge expectations

Readjusting after returning home can take time, patience and commitment from everyone involved. To make the homecoming transition as smooth as possible, realistic expectations and open communication is crucial.

Military members returning home might anticipate a problem-free readjustment full of fun and excitement. But the notion that it’ll be possible to immediately resume life as it was, prior to deployment, is often misleading.

Service members may believe that relationships with children and spouses will be just as they were before leaving. But actually homecomings are full of mixed emotions and stages of adjustment.

According to a report from After Deployment.org, the stages of readjustment typically include:

Honeymoon

• There’s a sense of euphoria and relief
• Conflicts are typically avoided
• Focus on family time

Adjustment

• Realization that changes need to be made
• Expectations are changed and tested
• Pressures of daily life gets stronger
• More conflict with each other

Integration

• Adjustment in roles
• Decrease in conflict
• Disagreements are addressed

Upon returning home expectations and reality often collide. While everyone is glad you’re home, they may not want to spend a lot of time talking about your experiences.

Remember to expect even less from children, they will take time to adjust as things change at home.

Spouses may have become more independent while you were away, and children can gain a new sense of maturity and, sometimes, distance during separation, according to the National Center for PTSD.  It is important to have a flexible outlook on priorities within the household.

Readjustment Reminders

It’s important for military members and family members to be open minded, patient and caring when the time comes to reestablish family bonds and old routines.

Communication may be difficult after a separation and closeness may also be awkward. Only time and effort can help bridge the emotional distance.

Service members with children should be understanding of their feelings and allow the child to be the first to renew the bond. Also, finding a place within the new family structure does not have to happen right away; it’s all right to take things slow.

Additional Resources

The National Center for PTSD

www.afterdeployment.org

How to Move without your Military Spouse
While your military spouse is deployed, chances are you might have to move homes. This process can be intimidating in the least, but when you have to do it by yourself it can be terrifying. Check out these moving tips for when you find yourself having to move houses without your military spouse.

Photo thanks to heraldpost and DVIDShub via Flickr Creative Commons