Military Families are not strong by virtue of being military families but they are strong because we work to overcome all the obstacles in our way.

One of my pet peeves is when people ask me if it is hard to love a military guy. Deployments are hard. Moving is hard. Worrying is hard. Other people will say, “I don’t know how you can do it.”

But loving someone in the military is easy as pie. Really.

Part of loving someone is supporting them and going through all the things that are hard about life, together. So, we make do. We face deployments and even when he is home he misses some birthdays and family events, but we make do.

We’ve moved three times, and each time we moved, he got called away at the last minute for duty right before moving day. I was left to juggle packing and children and movers on my own, but we make do.

I fell in love with a person who happens to be in the military. Being in the military is a part of who he is and I wouldn’t change that about him even if I could. So, we make do.

I have many requests recently for advice about helping your marriage in the military — here are the six essential pillars that help me “make do” when the times are rough. 

Members of the Military Spouse Central community chimed in on what makes the six pillars — communication, trust and understanding, friendship, commitment, independence and taking no excuses — work for them in their everyday lives.

Communication

Marriage, as well as relationships in any circumstance, requires excellent communication between two people. And with the added stress of deployments and frequent times apart, communication only becomes more essential.

“Being told you are beautiful and hearing ‘I love you’ throughout the days help, but remember both sides of the partnership needs to hear them! Always “thank” each other, even if it’s something little…” – Mary Springsteen-Nyrary

Trust and Understanding

Trust each other and try to understand each other, even when you feel like you can’t quite know what it is like for the other person. Trust that they are coming from a different perspective and that their opinion and feelings are valid.

“Trust. With long separations, you have to.” – Joanne Sweat Gomez

“You married a soldier. Trust them and stand beside them in everything  they do. Understand that the soldier you married is gonna change with the experiences he sees and accept that.” – Angela Brumley Jewet

Friendship

Deepening your friendship with your spouse is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.

Personally, I think your husband should be your partner, your family and your best friend. You should always respect each other and find ways to compromise when you don’t see eye to eye.

Commitment

My grandmother was married to my grandfather for 50 years, she told me that they once felt that they had no options, no solutions and they felt there was no way they would be happy together again. She thought about divorce and he said he would not stop looking for a way back to happiness with her. She told me that when they found their way out they were stronger than ever because they came out on the other side.

You probably know many people who have gotten a divorce, but if you look deeper you will probably find some of these stories sprinkled in as well.

You need to both be 100 percent committed. Then you can really start to resolve issues because you know that you can voice your opinions and your feelings and the other person will not flee.

Independence

It is important to be your own person and have boundaries in any relationship, but especially if you are married to a military service member.  If you make your husband or wife responsible for your happiness, you will be disappointed.

Military marriage is tough but it has plenty of rewards.

I never knew how many things I could do on my own until I went through my first deployment. I wasn’t happy about doing it all myself at first, but now I take some pride in it.  It makes my spouse feel much more at ease leaving for deployment, and it makes me feel empowered because I know that when it comes down to it, I can handle things on my own.

And last but not least…

“…my number one rule is NOT using the military as an excuse for an unhappy marriage… You have to be up for the challenge and you just have to work much harder to make it work. Accept it, live it, and you will be happy.” – Mara “Cranky Pants” Shepard

Photos thanks to Lisa Parker, Official US Navy Imagery,  and Samantha Celera

True romance is less hearts and rainbows and more like a taste of home.

The No. 1 requested item in a care package?

A letter.

It sounds simple but a letter is priceless to service members during a deployment or even training. I have never talked to a service member or veteran who didn’t think fondly of the letters they received. There is just something about a snail-mail, handwritten love letter. It is a physical reminder that you took time to sit down and write to your spouse. It is something tangible: your spouse can hold it, tuck it away in a pocket and revisit your words at any time.

I have written hundreds, maybe even thousands of letters.  Sometimes I feel like I can write 50 pages and pour my heart out and other times I pull a blank.  So here is some advice for when you are feeling less inspired and trying to craft that perfect love letter.

Be yourself

Write what you really feel and think about. Your spouse loves and misses you, they want to feel connected to you and nothing else will strengthen your marriage more than being yourself. As Marietta Hardwick said, “Just be you, it is what he is in love with in the first place.”

Borrow words

You should always be genuine and yourself but there are lots of times you may say “that is exactly how I feel.” It’s OK to send song lyrics, quotes and even comics that remind you of your spouse.

Mail call is an important time of the day for most service members.

Get creative

Military spouse Katelyn Louer says, “I always tried to make the letters colorful and cheerful,” and Nydia Vázquez-López ‎suggests to “add pictures, poems, snippets from your daily life…it doesn’t always have to be a letter.”

Other spouses utilize the old trick of spraying their letters with perfume. Carolyn Morrow says, “It made him feel like he was next to me again.”

Make it interactive

One idea comes from Tracy Lynn Jones Ryver: “Find a theme and start a story.” Write back and forth, each of you taking turns adding parts to the story.

Kathiey Witten and her spouse have a shared journal in which they have chronicled their life together, even continuing the tradition when her husband is home. She says, ” It’s a journal of our lives together. Doesn’t matter how much you write….or what you write…just write….!”

Building a strong marriage is a lot of work, but it will help your relationship stand the test of time.

Building a strong and healthy marriage is a lot of work, and even the strongest marriages will be tested along the path of life. People who stick out the worst often later say they acquired a new sense of appreciation for their spouse and had a deeper sense of marital satisfaction. Families who stay together tend to endure less financial stress and fewer instances of mental health issues in the long run.

There is no 1-2-3 formula to divorce-proof your marriage. A successful marriage must have two dedicated partners who are willing to tread the tumultuous areas of their relationship together. There must be mutual love, and it must be a mature love that remains dedicated to the commitment long after the initial infatuation is over. Respect, empathy and kindness are tools that married couples must be willing to employ during the good times, and during the not-so-good times.

Here are some general ideas and suggestions on how to strengthen and reinforce your commitment to your spouse and to your marriage.

Communication is not just talking

It’s also actively listening to your spouse. Depending on the research, most of us only hear 25 to 50 percent of what we’re told in a conversation. Provide feedback and ask questions if something is said and you need clarity. Do NOT build a rebuttal in your mind while your spouse is speaking. It’s perfectly fine to take a moment before your respond to gather your own thoughts. So many fights happen when neither party is listening to the other. A little active listening can go a long way.

Be a friend not a critic

The world is a harsh place, but our home does not have to be. Focus on what you like most about your spouse. Remember how much you love his sense of humor, or her generosity to others. When a situation arises and you feel the need to address it with your spouse do it at a time when it’s easier to hear the concern. Don’t jump to blaming or attacking. The way you approach the discussion will have a lot to do with how it ends up.

Show your spouse affection every day

If you are separated because of deployment or training, you will have to find new ways to do this. Some of that affection can be planned ahead of time such as leaving notes of affection for your spouse to find when he unpacks and settles in where ever he is. Send a daily email that highlights one thing daily that you miss about him. It doesn’t have to be profound or even romantic, but telling your deployed spouse that his or her absence resonates throughout your day will remind them of how much they mean to you.

Take advantage of the resources the military provides for couples.

Mind your manners

 Just because you have been married for 10 years doesn’t mean you can disregard words like “Please” and “Thank you.” Of all the people you should be considerate and graceful toward it should be your spouse.

When all else fails, forgive and trust

I have never met a happily married couple whose marital bliss is founded on grudges and mistrust. Not all conflicts in life can have a happy, clear-cut and easy resolution. If you can not come to a resolution then try trusting your spouse’s motives and intentions.

Don’t let pride ruin your marriage

 If you’ve hit a place in your marriage where you feel you are at an impasse, then seek an outside source like these resources specifically designed for military couples. Sometimes the troubles of life can overwhelm us and we need an objective party to help us navigate the storms.

Photos courtesy of Campdarby and 101st CAB, Wings of Destiny

Sometimes a marriage need a little reinforcement to ride out the inconsistencies of military life. Whether it’s to revive or just maintain a healthy marriage, here are some resources designed specifically for the military marriage:

Marriages take commitment and attention.

Military OneSource

Military OneSource offers free non-medical counseling to service members and spouses. Non-medical counseling revolves around everyday issues, stress and anger management, adjustment after deployment and parenting and grief issues. Married couples can receive referrals for up to 12 sessions with licensed professionals without cost. Sessions can be face-to-face or over the phone. Start by calling 800-342-9647 or visiting the website.

Military Life Family Consultants

Non-medical services are offered through experienced clinical providers. They can provide support as well as refer situations needing additional psychological health support. Additional issues may include PTSD, suicidal thoughts or substance abuse.

Military couples can get in touch with a Family Life Consultant in their home installation. Resources include Army Community Services, Marine Corps Community Services, Navy Fleet and Family Support Centers, Airman and Family Readiness Centers, and National Guard and Reserve members. For more information call 888-755-9355.

DCE Outreach Center

The Defense Centers of Excellence provides confidential support for free when military members call 866-966-1020 or sign into Real Warriors Live Chat.

Installation Services 

There are typically military relationship enhancement classes offered through family support or service centers, chaplain services or through similar civilian sources.

Military Medical Treatment Facility

Each branch of the military and Defense Department civilian employees who have been deployed can go to the Military Medical for evaluation and treatment of medical conditions such as PTSD and substance abuse.

Using TRICARE

Military couples can look at eligibility requirements for TRICARE’s Mental and Behavioral Health services and find a provider. Members can also call 866-966-1020 or contact a civilian provider.

There is also a TRICARE Assistance Program (TRIAP) offered to active duty family members that includes a 24-hour web-based counseling service for non-medical issues using video chat and instant messaging with licensed counselors.

Take advantage of the resources the military provides for your marriage.

Free Marriage Retreats

There are multiple retreats offered to military couples free of cost, including:

• In addition to a free retreat, the Coming Home Project offers workshops to servicemembers of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. Locations include San Antonio, San Francisco, San Diego and Washington, D.C.
• For Reservists and Guardsmen who have been home from Operation Iraqi Freedom and/or Operation Enduring Freedom for six months, Compass Retreat Center provides a weeklong camp in Seymour, Ind.
• For service members who have returned from deployment for at least three months but no more than 15 can attend a four-day program through Operation Purple sponsored by the National Military Family Association.
• Project New Hope provides combat veterans and their families three-day programs in Minnesota, Wisconsin and New York
• For six days and five nights, Project Sanctuary works to strengthen marriages with a cost-free retreat in the Colorado Rocky Mountains.

Photos courtesy of Sergio Vassio and The National Guard

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Here are a few ways you can express solidarity and work to ensure your military spouse knows you’ll always be there for them:

When reassuring your spouse consistency makes all the difference.

Get Embedded

One of the best ways you can show support for your spouse’s decision to join the military is to join it yourself—in the civilian sense. Get involved with your Family Readiness Group and try to find get-togethers and activities to get excited about. Try to meet some people and make some friends to establish a social life. Once your spouse sees that you can create a life alongside the military, his or her fear may be eased.

Communicate Carefully

Depending on whether your spouse is away on assignment, there are a few approaches to communicate in a way that shows your affection.

If your spouse is away, try to keep the communication consistent. Write regularly via email or post, but be sure not to promise anything you can’t deliver. Don’t promise to write every day if you know your schedule can get crazy. Falling back on a promise leaves room for doubt, so keep expectations realistic.

Also try to keep your communication open, but be sure to emphasize the good. If you two can only chat via phone, talk about some positive news such as some family fun or a new hobbyyou picked up. You can be honest about struggles you’re having, but be sure to

explain how you’re coping or trying to cope. Just expressing struggles may touch on a guilty feeling that he or she cannot be there for you. If they doubt they can meet your needs, their fear of you leaving may heighten.

One topic to ensure some investment is your future together. Perhaps you can talk about your future home, family or vacations.

When your service member needs extra assurance realize that this is just because he or she still needs to feel loved and needed, not that you are doing anything wrong.

Package Your Love in a Gift

You may not always be able to voice how you feel, but giving your spouse something tangible as a reminder of your affection can be helpful. It can be as simple as his or her favorite candy, movie, magazine or a picture.

Create a Scrapbook

The work and effort that goes into a scrapbook can be a great way to show that your relationship is worth it to you. You can show how much you appreciate old memories and it may even spark ideas to create new ones.

Photo courtesy of ianimmortal and nanny snowflake via Flickr.

These numbers can seem dramatic and troubling, and while they are obviously a signal that something is wrong, it is good to know that organizations and groups are also taking notice and measures are being taken to help military enter into healthy relationships and keep military marriages strong through rough times.

Military marriage divorce rates are still on the rise as we move into 2012.

From 2010 to 2011 the increase in divorce rates for the military was only 0.1 percent, but certain groups within the military still saw a more drastic increase. For example there was a 0.4 increase for females in the navy while females in the Marine Corps saw a 0.4 percent decrease.

Even though the increase from 2010 to 2011 was minimal in comparison to past years, it is clear that divorce rates are still climbing among military personnel. One of the Army’s more well-known intervention programs, Strong Bonds, saw this trend and donated over $100 million to marriage support. That money directly funded more than 4,000 support events at bases in the US and overseas.

Use the resources offered by the military to keep your marriage strong

Nearly one in 10 marriages ended for military women in 2011, revealing that women in the military are more than twice as likely to experience divorce with their spouse, according to the Department of Defense. So far no one has conducted research to figure out why these numbers are so high.

The most common reason pointed out is stress. The stress soldiers experience while they’re serving their country and the stress military spouses endure while their loved ones are away. Dealing with this stress is different for every individual, that’s why it is important to be open with asking for help if you’re experiencing stress within your military marriage.

A number of organizations and websites believe in devoting time to helping military couples through these hard times. Here at Veterans United we’ve created guides and articles with this strengthening of military marriages in mind. Here are a few to look through and some ideas for keeping this Valentine’s Day special:

• Defend Yourself Against Deployment Depression 
• Vent Anger Without Secondhand Stress
• Say AHHH! A Check-Up for Your Marriage 
• 4 Ways to Keep Them Close While They’re Away 
• 8 Homemade Valentine’s Day Gifts for a Care Package 

Photo Courtesy of familymwr

Try some of these easy activities to welcome your spouse home for the holidays:

Deck the halls

Hanging decorations around the house while holiday music plays is simple and relatively low energy. Asking your military spouse to climb the roof and staple lights may be too demanding.

Photos

Make some hot cocoa, snuggle and look at photos from last year’s holiday season.

Movies

Holiday movies put people in the spirit. Pick your spouse’s favorite movie and watch it together for a simple night in.

Ice skating

If your spouse feels comfortable on skates, take him or her to a rink for an evening that promises some falls and some laughs.

Wrap gifts

Hide the things you bought for your spouse and invite them to help you wrap presents for other recipients.

Bake goods

It’s not common for a service member to return home and turn down home-baked goods. Ask your spouse to chop nuts or blend batter.

Light gazing

Military families with children are sure to hear the young ones request a drive through a light spectacle. Take the whole family to a nearby park or neighborhood that went all out.

Start a new tradition

This can be whatever you’d like it to be. The possibilities are endless. It can be silly or routine as long as it embraces the holiday spirit and brings a smile to your military spouse’s face.

Photo thanks to Aubry Aragon via Flickr Creative Commons

Prevention and early detection is a key to physical health and wellness. The wonderful thing about regular visits is catching diseases, health problems and concerns before troubling symptoms and complications set in. You can treat the problem while it is small and easy to manage.

It is better for your marriage to identify and fix issues before problems grow from a snowball to an avalanche. Catching problems in your relationship makes it easier to change habits and minimize the damage. So what should you look for when you do a marriage check-up?

Here are four basic things to think about when you do a relationship check-up.

#1. Together Time

You probably know that it is important to spend time with your spouse. As a military spouse, you are challenged from the very beginning to carve out time with your husband or wife but that’s not an excuse!

During deployments or other time away utilize the time you do have and carve out special routines, times or rituals to connect. Check out our post on romance during deployment.

When your spouse is home, make time for the two of you to be together. Many people suggest finding an activity to do together, but be careful that you are not letting an activity get in the way. It can easily become more about the activity than the connection. Try to make time together that does not have kids, school activities, other friends or a to-do list involved. It isn’t always easy, so sometimes you have to be creative to get time together.

Check to make sure that you are regularly carving out together time in your schedule

#2. Alone Time

Easy, our spouses are away for long stretches so we have plenty of time away from each other, right? Wrong. This does not really count as time alone within your marriage. Alone time is time to have privacy, do your own thing and to be your own person.

Maybe those who do not have children have enough alone time while their spouse is away, but for those who have kids, trust me, the time when your spouse is away can hardly be counted as time to yourself.

As for your spouse, the military may be a big part of who your spouse is, but they still need “non-military alone time”. It is sometimes hard for us to allow for this after our spouses come home from being deployed or at training for a long time, but suffocating them is never a good thing.

Check to make sure you are giving both you and your spouse enough personal time.

#3. Get Physical

Physical expression is a very important part of human interaction.

This includes sexual and non-sexual touching. Touching is incredibly important to your relationship and simple touches can be a good thing to think about and be aware of. Touching can affect your mood drastically and even something as simple as holding hands can make a cumulative difference in your marriage.

Check to make sure you and your spouse are making efforts to physically connect with each other.

#4. Respect

This one is one that I personally catch myself slipping up on the most. It is easy to get grumpy and irritable with your spouse and it is easy to let things slip.

Your spouse winds up getting the not-so-pretty side of you and you get the less-than-courteous side of them. No matter what, you should try to be polite and use manners, even with your spouse! Saying please and thank you can go a long way in almost any situation.

Do not speak badly of your spouse to people outside of the relationship, and make an effort to consciously listen and show interest in your spouse’s thoughts, feelings and opinions.

It is easy to let your behavior slip because you are comfortable with your spouse. Comfort and honesty does not remove the need to consciously and actively respect your spouse. Think about how you talk to your best friends, your colleagues, and other people who you respect.

Check to make sure you are treating each other with respect.

These check ups are a great way to find things to improve on, things that need some attention, some work or just to help us refocus. It is also a very constructive way to talk about your relationship with your spouse.

Let us know how you check up on your marriage in our comments section!

Photo thanks to sidknee23 via Flickr Creative Commons

Be Realistic

Before your spouse arrives home, romantic thoughts of having him or her all to yourself will arise. But don’t expect this to translate into reality, especially if you have kids. In fact, children are more likely to let their parents have alone time if they spent time with the returning service member first.

You can consider a more family oriented activity at the outset. But some Military Spouse readers, such as Katie Givens, suggested structuring time with family. “Get away from the family,” she wrote. “It was the best thing we could have done. We gave them each a day to have a meal with him.”

No matter what, make sure communication is paramount. Talk to your spouse before the R&R to find out what they’re comfortable with. Communication before the visit gives both of you the chance to roughly outline plans. Returning spouses may want some alone time to sleep, get over jet lag or adapt to be home. Be understanding and welcoming. As Military Spouse reader Jessica Rivera put it, “Let the soldier rest!”

Keep it Light

If you want to spend quality time together, avoid controversial topics and serious marital problems. The short amount of time you share during R&R shouldn’t be consumed by negative tension and fighting. Plus it’s often not enough time to hash out any problems that lingered before the spouse left.

Even if there is a long list of chores to do around the house and you need your spouse’s help cleaning the gutter or organizing the basement, do not burden your returning spouse upon arrival. If the time seems right pare down the list to some of the easier tasks you can do together.

It’s better to enjoy time together with a cluttered basement than to spend a few angst-filled days together bickering over a to-do list.
For service members returning from combat zones, a quieter home is often ideal. Be affectionate and do what you can to help them rest and relax.
This is especially important if you are, say, introducing a new family member, or have young children. Keep plans simple. Elaborate parties or vacations are not necessary. Less is more.

Stay Healthy

In anticipation of a return home, a service member’s nostalgia may make them long for their favorite fast food, dessert or locally-brewed beer. Be wary of excessive celebrations that may be unhealthy, but certainly be ready to indulge. Remember that a service member has a very different daily diet while deployed. Their body will handle changes better if they are gradual and not overdone. The trick here is to celebrate but make sure it is in moderation. The last thing you want is to have your soldier (or you) be ill during R&R!

Cherish Every Moment

Try to arrange a special event for just the two of you. It can be as simple as a night at home with popcorn and a movie or a fancy dinner at a five-star restaurant.  Live in the moment and appreciate the bond you two share.
“Just do whatever sounds good when you wake up,” wrote Military Spouse reader Nena Harris.
Take pictures when other family comes over or your spouse is playing with the kids and have others take pictures of you and your spouse.

Remember that R&R can change at any time, sometimes even requiring service member to leave early.
Take none of your time together for granted because you’ll have to say “See you soon” all too soon.

Photo thanks to The U.S. Army via Flickr Creative Commons

The communication may be minimal and sporadic and the time spent waiting in between can lead to stress that ruins what time you do get to talk. It may be difficult, but it isn’t impossible.

Here are some things you can do to keep the romance throughout a deployment:

Day-to-Day Snippets

A way to keep your spouse connected to the home-life is to take pictures throughout one of your days. Compile them into a small book or newsletter with explanations of what was going on or how you were thinking about them.

Memory Collage

Pick a theme of good memories you had together. Compile pictures, tickets, notes and other items and make a collage. After you have a masterpiece, write a story about the memories or a story to make a future memory. Not only will this remind them of some of your best times together, but it will also remind them of what they love about you and get them ready to come home and make more memories.

Themed Scavenger Hunt

Decide on something that your spouse likes, such as a color or a specific object. Then when you’re out doing your day-to-day activities, you can snap a photo or purchase anything that relates to it. Send it in a care package and double up not only on giving them what they enjoy, but also show them how often you think of them.

Sleep Aids

Having a piece of your spouse’s clothing is just a sentimental way of comforting each other across the miles. Before they leave, send them with their favorite shirt of yours and keep one of theirs to sleep with. You can also decorate a special pillowcase with pictures, lyrics, quotes or whatever else is special between the two of you.

Hand Tracing

Sometimes there are moments when you wish you could just hold their hand. Have your spouse trace their hand before leaving and send them with a tracing of your own. It’s a small gesture but can help to ease separation anxiety.

Hidden Notes

Hiding notes throughout your spouse’s bag before they leave gives them surprises to find when you’re apart. If you’re being deployed, you can hide notes around the house. When you two need a pick-me-up, you two can give each other hints as to where you’ve hidden “the goods.”

Employ a Partner in Crime

If you know another veteran being deployed with your spouse, give him or her a stack of letters to distribute to your spouse throughout the deployment. They will be by their side and can distinguish the times when they feel your spouse could use some love. If you’re the one being deployed, you can do the same with a neighbor or family member near your spouse.

Jar of Notes

If you don’t have a partner in crime, leave notes for your spouse to pull out at their own discretion by filling a jar with encouraging notes and memories.

Cutesy Coupons

Show your spouse how much you look forward to them coming home by sending coupons they can redeem when they return. Perhaps they can be for a date to his favorite restaurant, cooking his favorite meal, a back rub or whatever else your spouse may enjoy.

Photo thanks to DVIDSHUB via Flickr Creative Commons