Friendship can deepen your relationship with your spouse.

Marriage, if it is going to last, is about more than just being in love. True love means that you are not just in love, but you are also friends.

Military couples have many added obstacles in marriage. Strong marriages have strong foundations in friendship. Don’t worry, you do not have to like your spouse all the time, but a relationship should have a healthy friendship and this friendship needs to be tended to and nurtured over the years. This friendship will help you grow together over the years as a couple.

The Golden Rule

In building your relationship it is always important to remember that the only person that you can change is yourself; you should never focus on changing someone else. If you want to be better friends with your spouse, you need to start with you, and work on being a better friend to your spouse. Really, this is just the golden rule, “Do to others what you would want them to do to you.”

Compare to Your Friends

When I sat down to think about this article, I thought of my great long-lasting friendships and how they treat me, and in turn how I treat them. The relationships that exist between my friends and I are full of indicators of mutual trust, respect and affection.

25 Ways to be a Best Friend to Your Spouse

Enjoy your spouse.

1. Enjoy your spouse for who they are.

2. Discover and foster mutual interests. Best friends find things they both like to do and continue to develop those mutual interests.

3. Prioritize your spouse.

4. Spend quality time with your spouse.

5. Remind your spouse of their best qualities, especially when they feel vulnerable.

6. Criticize (without being critical). Best friends challenge you to be the best person you can be.

7. Listen, don’t judge. Our friends want to know first and foremost that we understand them.

8. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

9.  Let it go a bit when your spouse is grumpy. We all have bad days and want our friends to give us wiggle room when we have them.

10. Take notice of your spouse’s favorites. If something is important to your spouse, recognize it, even if it is not important to you.

11. Don’t take advantage of your spouse’s weaknesses. Recognize that your spouse trusts you.

12. Only speak good things about your spouse, every time and to everyone.

13. Defend your spouse in front of others. If someone talks negatively of your spouse, defend them. That is what friends do.

Find something you enjoy to do and do it with your spouse.

14. Do things for your spouse. You do not need a reason and you should no expect anything in return.

15. Tell your spouse the truth. Sometimes you need to level with your friends in a kind, respectful way.

16. Discuss your hurt or anger with your spouse during disagreements without belittling them.

17. Share in your spouses happiness. It is always more fun to be happy together!

18. Celebrate in your spouses success. If your spouse has accomplished something (even a small something) congratulate and cheer.

19. Share your interests, your thoughts and opinions. It is important to show your spouse you are willing to trust him or her with your thoughts and opinions as well.

20. Communicate clearly. You should not expect your spouse to read your mind. Be clear when expressing your thoughts.

20. Keep your spouses secrets. Your spouse needs to trust that emotions and thoughts shared with you are for your ears only.

21. Accept your spouse’s silence. Respect that sometimes your spouse is not yet ready to talk about something and be patient.

22. Laugh with your spouse.

23. Treat your spouse as your equal. Friendships are a give and take that balances out over your friendship.

24. Support your spouse’s decisions. You may sometimes disagree but in the end do your best to support your spouse in their decision.

25. Be reliable for your spouse. Sometimes we may bail on our spouse because “they will understand”. You should also make every effort to come through with what you said you would do.

The next time you snap at your spouse, or half-listen to they story they are telling about work, ask yourself if this is how you would treat your best friend. Then, ask yourself: why your spouse deserves anything less?

Photos courtesy of boliston, Chau kar, mike baird on Flickr.

Building a strong marriage is a lot of work, but it will help your relationship stand the test of time.

Building a strong and healthy marriage is a lot of work, and even the strongest marriages will be tested along the path of life. People who stick out the worst often later say they acquired a new sense of appreciation for their spouse and had a deeper sense of marital satisfaction. Families who stay together tend to endure less financial stress and fewer instances of mental health issues in the long run.

There is no 1-2-3 formula to divorce-proof your marriage. A successful marriage must have two dedicated partners who are willing to tread the tumultuous areas of their relationship together. There must be mutual love, and it must be a mature love that remains dedicated to the commitment long after the initial infatuation is over. Respect, empathy and kindness are tools that married couples must be willing to employ during the good times, and during the not-so-good times.

Here are some general ideas and suggestions on how to strengthen and reinforce your commitment to your spouse and to your marriage.

Communication is not just talking

It’s also actively listening to your spouse. Depending on the research, most of us only hear 25 to 50 percent of what we’re told in a conversation. Provide feedback and ask questions if something is said and you need clarity. Do NOT build a rebuttal in your mind while your spouse is speaking. It’s perfectly fine to take a moment before your respond to gather your own thoughts. So many fights happen when neither party is listening to the other. A little active listening can go a long way.

Be a friend not a critic

The world is a harsh place, but our home does not have to be. Focus on what you like most about your spouse. Remember how much you love his sense of humor, or her generosity to others. When a situation arises and you feel the need to address it with your spouse do it at a time when it’s easier to hear the concern. Don’t jump to blaming or attacking. The way you approach the discussion will have a lot to do with how it ends up.

Show your spouse affection every day

If you are separated because of deployment or training, you will have to find new ways to do this. Some of that affection can be planned ahead of time such as leaving notes of affection for your spouse to find when he unpacks and settles in where ever he is. Send a daily email that highlights one thing daily that you miss about him. It doesn’t have to be profound or even romantic, but telling your deployed spouse that his or her absence resonates throughout your day will remind them of how much they mean to you.

Take advantage of the resources the military provides for couples.

Mind your manners

 Just because you have been married for 10 years doesn’t mean you can disregard words like “Please” and “Thank you.” Of all the people you should be considerate and graceful toward it should be your spouse.

When all else fails, forgive and trust

I have never met a happily married couple whose marital bliss is founded on grudges and mistrust. Not all conflicts in life can have a happy, clear-cut and easy resolution. If you can not come to a resolution then try trusting your spouse’s motives and intentions.

Don’t let pride ruin your marriage

 If you’ve hit a place in your marriage where you feel you are at an impasse, then seek an outside source like these resources specifically designed for military couples. Sometimes the troubles of life can overwhelm us and we need an objective party to help us navigate the storms.

Photos courtesy of Campdarby and 101st CAB, Wings of Destiny

Prevention and early detection is a key to physical health and wellness. The wonderful thing about regular visits is catching diseases, health problems and concerns before troubling symptoms and complications set in. You can treat the problem while it is small and easy to manage.

It is better for your marriage to identify and fix issues before problems grow from a snowball to an avalanche. Catching problems in your relationship makes it easier to change habits and minimize the damage. So what should you look for when you do a marriage check-up?

Here are four basic things to think about when you do a relationship check-up.

#1. Together Time

You probably know that it is important to spend time with your spouse. As a military spouse, you are challenged from the very beginning to carve out time with your husband or wife but that’s not an excuse!

During deployments or other time away utilize the time you do have and carve out special routines, times or rituals to connect. Check out our post on romance during deployment.

When your spouse is home, make time for the two of you to be together. Many people suggest finding an activity to do together, but be careful that you are not letting an activity get in the way. It can easily become more about the activity than the connection. Try to make time together that does not have kids, school activities, other friends or a to-do list involved. It isn’t always easy, so sometimes you have to be creative to get time together.

Check to make sure that you are regularly carving out together time in your schedule

#2. Alone Time

Easy, our spouses are away for long stretches so we have plenty of time away from each other, right? Wrong. This does not really count as time alone within your marriage. Alone time is time to have privacy, do your own thing and to be your own person.

Maybe those who do not have children have enough alone time while their spouse is away, but for those who have kids, trust me, the time when your spouse is away can hardly be counted as time to yourself.

As for your spouse, the military may be a big part of who your spouse is, but they still need “non-military alone time”. It is sometimes hard for us to allow for this after our spouses come home from being deployed or at training for a long time, but suffocating them is never a good thing.

Check to make sure you are giving both you and your spouse enough personal time.

#3. Get Physical

Physical expression is a very important part of human interaction.

This includes sexual and non-sexual touching. Touching is incredibly important to your relationship and simple touches can be a good thing to think about and be aware of. Touching can affect your mood drastically and even something as simple as holding hands can make a cumulative difference in your marriage.

Check to make sure you and your spouse are making efforts to physically connect with each other.

#4. Respect

This one is one that I personally catch myself slipping up on the most. It is easy to get grumpy and irritable with your spouse and it is easy to let things slip.

Your spouse winds up getting the not-so-pretty side of you and you get the less-than-courteous side of them. No matter what, you should try to be polite and use manners, even with your spouse! Saying please and thank you can go a long way in almost any situation.

Do not speak badly of your spouse to people outside of the relationship, and make an effort to consciously listen and show interest in your spouse’s thoughts, feelings and opinions.

It is easy to let your behavior slip because you are comfortable with your spouse. Comfort and honesty does not remove the need to consciously and actively respect your spouse. Think about how you talk to your best friends, your colleagues, and other people who you respect.

Check to make sure you are treating each other with respect.

These check ups are a great way to find things to improve on, things that need some attention, some work or just to help us refocus. It is also a very constructive way to talk about your relationship with your spouse.

Let us know how you check up on your marriage in our comments section!

Photo thanks to sidknee23 via Flickr Creative Commons

I tend to send tons of letters  and get the first few care packages off without a hitch… then I am at a loss of what else to send. While my spouse assured me repeated packages with the same favorite items are still loved and appreciated, I still wanted some new ideas.

We asked our community of military spouses and they came up with some tips and ideas for care packages that you can look forward to making, and your spouse can look forward to receiving.

Here are some fun ideas and tips:

Try Themes

You can get creative with your packages by having a central theme for each item. Here are some theme ideas to get you started:

A Day with You

For this package, you should make a camera your sidekick. Take pictures of you doing typical activities throughout the day, and then pair a gift with each. Snap a photo of you getting out of bed in the morning and send a new pillowcase with your scent.
Doing yard work? Some spouses will send a bag of lawn clippings for a simple reminder of home. Other ideas are watching a movie and sending the DVD; eating a meal and sending a vacuum-sealed version; and throwing a Frisbee around with the dog/kids/friends and sending a Frisbee. Get creative with your day and help your military member feel a bit at home.

Movies are one of the most requested items.

Send a Showtime

You can’t send a movie theatre, but you can send the goodies that go along with one. Send your spouse a favorite movie or a new-release DVD to enjoy with his buddies along with some snacks. You can pop popcorn and vacuum seal it for the shipping as well as send theater candies and nacho supplies. As a bonus, you can make a picture of you into a movie poster or create a ticket stub.

Fun in the Sun

With much of our military stationed in the Middle East, your spouse may have plenty of sun. Your job is to send the fun. You can send your spouse dollar-store squirt guns and beach balls to play with. Also when temperatures head towards triple digits, a Popsicle is always a treat. Send your spouse the flavor ice pops, and for fun, individualize each pop with a fun message.

Other Gestures:

Date Reservation

You can send your spouse a date card with a specific time for you two to be together in thought under the sky or wherever you decide. It’ll be a long distance connection and a reminder of your love for each other.

Personalized Items

Spouses have gotten creative with things to personalize. Some ideas include pillowcases, T-shirts, blankets, mugs, calendars and even soaps. See what you can come up with!

Newspapers, Magazines and Books

Depending on what your spouse likes, you can send a series of books or a favorite magazine subscription. Some wives like to pre-read newspapers and circle items that stand out. It’s almost as if they’re discussing the news together.

Practical Package Tips

Check items with FRG or your soldier before sending anything unusual, units often have individual rules on what can be sent in packages.

Do

• Invest in a vacuum sealer. You can send baked treats like cookies or protect the glass in picture frames from breaking.
• Take into account the resources your spouse has. If there isn’t time for your spouse to brew coffee, or they are without a microwave for tea or hot cocoa, consider sending alternate resources like an electric kettle.
• Remember that all packages are inspected, don’t send anything dangerous, sharp, flammable OR anything your spouse wouldn’t be ok with his commander seeing (that means some soldiers would prefer it to stay PG, check with your spouse first before sending any items that may be too “personal”)
• Send several smaller packages rather than one huge package. The smaller the package, the faster it arrives. USPS recommends under 6 pounds.
• Send in advance. If you are trying to get it by a certain date, send it plenty of time in advance, seriously, up to 30 days in advance.

Don’t

• Send glass jars without ample protection. Your packages made have a lot of love and care put into them, but it doesn’t mean the couriers will treat it with such.
• Send too many well-supplied items. Service members often get a large supply of toothpaste and toothbrushes, but not enough socks. Talk to your spouse about specific needs of the group and try to stick to those. For the rest of the package, send some fun.
• Send anything that melts. Many soldiers love chocolate and may even request it but after travelling through the 120 degree weather in Iraq or Afghanistan it will be gross, I promise! Think about each item and how heat and travel time will affect them.
• Send hygiene products and food products next to each other. Use ziplock bags, in fact, double bag. You do not want your soldier’s favorite food to taste like Old Spice deodorant.

Photo thanks to The U.S. Army and Luodani via Flickr Creative Commons

The communication may be minimal and sporadic and the time spent waiting in between can lead to stress that ruins what time you do get to talk. It may be difficult, but it isn’t impossible.

Here are some things you can do to keep the romance throughout a deployment:

Day-to-Day Snippets

A way to keep your spouse connected to the home-life is to take pictures throughout one of your days. Compile them into a small book or newsletter with explanations of what was going on or how you were thinking about them.

Memory Collage

Pick a theme of good memories you had together. Compile pictures, tickets, notes and other items and make a collage. After you have a masterpiece, write a story about the memories or a story to make a future memory. Not only will this remind them of some of your best times together, but it will also remind them of what they love about you and get them ready to come home and make more memories.

Themed Scavenger Hunt

Decide on something that your spouse likes, such as a color or a specific object. Then when you’re out doing your day-to-day activities, you can snap a photo or purchase anything that relates to it. Send it in a care package and double up not only on giving them what they enjoy, but also show them how often you think of them.

Sleep Aids

Having a piece of your spouse’s clothing is just a sentimental way of comforting each other across the miles. Before they leave, send them with their favorite shirt of yours and keep one of theirs to sleep with. You can also decorate a special pillowcase with pictures, lyrics, quotes or whatever else is special between the two of you.

Hand Tracing

Sometimes there are moments when you wish you could just hold their hand. Have your spouse trace their hand before leaving and send them with a tracing of your own. It’s a small gesture but can help to ease separation anxiety.

Hidden Notes

Hiding notes throughout your spouse’s bag before they leave gives them surprises to find when you’re apart. If you’re being deployed, you can hide notes around the house. When you two need a pick-me-up, you two can give each other hints as to where you’ve hidden “the goods.”

Employ a Partner in Crime

If you know another veteran being deployed with your spouse, give him or her a stack of letters to distribute to your spouse throughout the deployment. They will be by their side and can distinguish the times when they feel your spouse could use some love. If you’re the one being deployed, you can do the same with a neighbor or family member near your spouse.

Jar of Notes

If you don’t have a partner in crime, leave notes for your spouse to pull out at their own discretion by filling a jar with encouraging notes and memories.

Cutesy Coupons

Show your spouse how much you look forward to them coming home by sending coupons they can redeem when they return. Perhaps they can be for a date to his favorite restaurant, cooking his favorite meal, a back rub or whatever else your spouse may enjoy.

Photo thanks to DVIDSHUB via Flickr Creative Commons

For a military couple, marriage not only entails the typical chore quarrel, parenting squabble and financial feud, but also a whole separate realm of anxiety, fear, and loneliness.

The military may try to compensate with bonus pay and the occasional leave, but good luck with finding ample time for romance. It’s a reality couples can’t escape, but with a military discount, it’s a bit easier to embrace. Many don’t realize how many discounts they can actually receive—there are enough to make an entire day of it! For instance…

Morning

• Phone call/Text your sweetie on your discounted phone service to tell them how excited you are for your date.
• Shower and get dressed in your new, discounted apparel from Kohls, and your sweet new kicks from Nike.
• Decide between coffee from McDonalds, Java Café or Duncan Donuts and take your car and its new tires out to get a cup of Joe for you and your honey.
• Deliver the drink and tell your date how lovely they look. Head out to the Amtrak station, get on a train and ride to a nearby city

Afternoon

• Arrive in the city and grab lunch at Sonic before heading off to the Major League Baseball game.
• Enjoy the exciting game, but don’t forget to bring your rally cap you bought from Dick’s Sporting Goods, just in case it get’s intense.
• Get your favorite meal at Applebee’s before heading to the mall for a spontaneous photo shoot to commemorate your fun at Sear’s Portrait Studio.
• Hit up some more stores before hoping on the Greyhound and heading back home

Night

• You and your sweetie arrive back, a bit exhausted from the travels. It’s a perfect time for Maggie Moo’s ice cream and a new release from Blockbuster.
• You head home, curl up in your new Ty Pennington bed-set from Kmart and end a perfect day

Okay, so maybe a resort is more your thing. There’s a discount. Perhaps the movie theatre is more plausible. There’s one for that too. Museums? Yep. Kid-friendly attractions? Of course. The military lifestyle may take its toll and have its challenges, but take charge and use it in your fight for matrimony.

Photo thanks to Lollaping via Flickr Creative Commons