U.S. Army Spc. Newton Carlicci travels dismounted while on his way back to his outpost from the village of Paspajak, Charkh District, Logar province, Afghanistan.

There are certain things that are impossible prepare for, losing a spouse being chief among them. Military spouses often are forced to talk about the possibility, discuss options and get finances in order ahead of time. They have thought about the very real possibility that their spouse would be killed, captured, disabled or severely injured either physically or mentally. But despite the best prayer and support networks, the reality is that you can never really be prepared for that reality.

When I first heard the news about Robert Bales, the soldier accused of killing 17 Afghan civilians, I felt an intense mixture of horror, disgust, sadness, fear, grief, loss and confusion. I was angry at a soldier for killing Afghan civilians, including children. I was angry that someone would do this. I felt like screaming and crying and yelling. I was angry at Robert Bales for being so selfish. How could he do this to other soldiers? By killing these civilians this angry soldier is endangering every American soldier’s life by further adding to Afghan unrest. I was sad for Robert Bales, his family and countless other soldiers struggling every day.

Trading Places

I haven’t weighed in on this story because I felt like I didn’t know enough about the details. I don’t know if Robert Bales did or did not have PTSD or if he is or isn’t aware of his actions. I don’t know what the solution is, and I don’t know who to blame. Mostly I just wished it hadn’t happened. It took this article about Robert Bales’ wife for the reality to hit home. Karilyn Bales is a wife, a mother and a military spouse who by all appearances has done her best to hold down the home front. She’s now facing a reality you can’t prepare for.

Most military spouses will not have to go through the loss of our spouse and most of us will never know what it feels like to be in Karilyn Bale’s place. Hopefully, no military spouse will ever have to feel this way again but one thing we need to be wary of is presuming to feel like this couldn’t happen to us.

Searching for Answers

Many in the military immediately tried to distance themselves from Robert Bales. The military has basically denied this could be the work of combat stress, TBI or PTSD. I don’t pretend to know. I do know that Robert Bales was a husband and a father. He advanced in the Army and by the book was an upstanding soldier. Karilyn Bales has a 4-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. Here’s a snippet of her first public statement:

“I, too, want to know what happened. I want to know how this could be,” she said. “The victims and their families are all in my prayers, as is my husband who I love very much.”

Military spouses have to send their spouses off to war and then they wait for them to come home. This isn’t the homecoming Karilyn Bates envisioned.

Let us know what your reaction is in the comments below. 

Photo courtesy of The U.S. Army

I typically try to avoid conversations about politics but being a military spouse seems to demand that everyone to ask or even assume your opinion on everything from the 99% movement to the price of milk. Having a spouse put their life on the line for this country give you every reason to have strong feelings. But non-military families likely have no clue how you feel, so your convictions may not be clear or make sense to them.

In the end, how you handle talking politics is up to you. But whether you want to engage in the debates or remain tacit, here are a few tips worth reading.

Inviting conversation

Some non-military people feel compelled to share their opinions when they realize or see they’re talking to a military family. For instance, if you’re out with your service member who’s in uniform, a stranger might approach you and start spouting their beliefs. Your service member didn’t mean to solicit the conversation, but it’s happening. Chances are your service member won’t want to say anything, but you might feel comfortable interjecting.
“I have always just said, because of what my husband does for a living, you are allowed to stand up and say whatever,” military wife Heather Winters told us on our facebook page. That’s not to suggest that you look for heated debates, but when they present themselves you don’t have to fear involvement. Having a “canned” statement that you can use to respond to people who bring up politics can be very helpful in this situation.

Remain civil

Steer away from attacking people as it will only stigmatize you and other military families. Be as civil as you would be if you were talking to a child. Everybody gets emotional and passionate during intense conversations—and military families are entitled to passion—but make an effort to not raise your voice, cut people off or ignore what they say.
“When I do speak my mind I listen to everyone else’s opinion, but most of the time it doesn’t change mine,” Holly Ray Telles, a military wife, said. Discussions do not need to end with you or your peer debater changing your beliefs, but it never hurts to learn others’ perspectives to affirm or develop yours.

Keep quiet by choice

Some of our Military Spouse Central readers choose not to talk about politics unless they’re around friendly company. It comes down to not wanting to talk about serious topics with strangers. “I usually avoid (politics) because people simply cannot discuss them calmly,” said Brandy Wicinski. “There is a complete inability to be objective.”

In other cases, it may be difficult for you to control your emotions. Ashley Schwab said, “I try not to discuss (politics) in public because I have such a strong opinion when it comes to it, but I have a bad temper and tend to get mad too easily when people put politicians on a pedestal.”

For you to decide

It’s up to you on what you do and do not say. Some spouses prefer the traditional style of never talking about politics, religion or money outside of their home. Meanwhile, others feel free to exercise their right since they’re husband or wife is defending it abroad. No matter what you choose, try following Military Spouse Central reader Jesica Michelle’s advice: “Whatever I say I always try to be level-headed and calm.”
Photo thanks to longislandrose via Flickr Creative Commons