Military Spouse Network
Tips, news and community createdjust for Military Spouses.
Access our library of free homebuying ebooks and PDF guides.
U.S. Army Spc. Newton Carlicci travels dismounted while on his way back to his outpost from the village of Paspajak, Charkh District, Logar province, Afghanistan.
There are certain things that are impossible prepare for, losing a spouse being chief among them. As a military spouse I can talk about the possibility, discuss options and get finances in order ahead of time. I have thought about the very real possibility that my husband would be killed, captured, disabled or severely injured either physically or mentally. I have prayer and support networks, but I will just never be prepared for that reality.
When I first heard the news about Robert Bales, the soldier accused of killing 17 Afghan civilians, I felt an intense mixture of horror, disgust, sadness, fear, grief, loss and confusion. I was angry at a soldier for killing Afghan civilians, including children. I was angry that someone would do this. I felt like screaming and crying and yelling. I was angry at Robert Bales for being so selfish. How could he do this to other soldiers? By killing these civilians this angry soldier is endangering every American soldier’s life by further adding to Afghan unrest. I was sad for Robert Bales, his family and countless other soldiers struggling every day.
I haven’t weighed in on this story because I felt like I didn’t know enough about the details. I don’t know if Robert Bales did or did not have PTSD or if he is or isn’t aware of his actions. I don’t know what the solution is, and I don’t know who to blame. Mostly I just wished it hadn’t happened. It took this article about Robert Bales’ wife for the reality to hit home. Karilyn Bales is a wife, a mother and a military spouse who by all appearances has done her best to hold down the home front. She’s now facing a reality you can’t prepare for.
And I suddenly realized that Karilyn Bales could be me.
Most of us will never have to go through the loss of our spouse and most of us will never know what it feels like to be in Karilyn Bale’s place. Hopefully, no military spouse will ever have to feel this way again. One thing we all need to be wary of is presuming to feel like this couldn’t happen to us.
Many in the military immediately tried to distance themselves from Robert Bales. The military has basically denied this could be the work of combat stress, TBI or PTSD. I don’t pretend to know. I do know that Robert Bales was a husband and a father. He advanced in the Army and by the book was an upstanding soldier. Karilyn Bales has a 4-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. Here’s a snipped of her first public statement:
“I, too, want to know what happened. I want to know how this could be,” she said. “The victims and their families are all in my prayers, as is my husband who I love very much.”
We send our spouses off to war and we wait for them to come home. This isn’t the homecoming Karilyn Bates envisioned.
Let us know what your reaction is in the comments below.
Photo courtesy of The U.S. Army
No related posts.
13 Comments
What concerns me the most is the lack of support this spouse has. Her nor her children did anything wrong but they will be treated as they have. I do not know if her husband has PTSD or not but as spies whose husband does I have felt with the social isolation. Either way she is mourning the loss of the man she once knew as her husband and trying to understand what caused him to do this. I think as Army wives we should support her during this. Awful time in her life.
This is a feared reality and any one of us could be placed in this situation. I too am angry at the whole situation and also very sad for everyone involved. He will never be the same and the Innocent lives lost will never be cherished as they are now gone. The unsettling reality of the entire situation leaves many questions left unanswered, families destroyed and a Soldier that gave his life and freedom to protect his country is now faced with a uncertain future, he sacrificed HIS freedom, HIS family time for all those years and because of the affects of his journey in this war he now will lose HIS freedom, HIS family when he should have had the chance to prosper as a Husband & Father after his 3rd tour. If he had a previous health issue, he should Never have been sent out again for a 4th tour, he was let down by those that should have had His best interest at heart. I am angry at his actions because now my husband and two sons are deployed over there and there is a lot of angry and resentful Afghans looking for revenge, yet I am sad for His losses and his families as well… I just wish peace was ahead but I am a realist….
When this story first broke I had many of those same emotions. Then I just cried for this wife. This could have been any military wife even me. As a wife I have tired to perpare for any situation but never this one until this occurred. It has acutally opened up a dialouge in this home.
We never know in this life what is waiting around the corner. I support this spouse,through this all she has shown grace. We
I know there are alot of people out their that would judge her by her husbands actions. I dryly hope that she finds peace. The family will be in my prayers.
My heart goes out to Karilyn, her husband, and family. My heart also goes out to all those who go through these terrible problems of combat stress. My heart also goes out to Robert Bales platoon for this great tradgey that endured. May God put his healing hand on all soilders who suffer from these combat stresses.
I am not a military spouse, my wife was, and to this day I give her more credit to her than myself. I truley do feel for this woman and she and her children are In my prayers. I suffer from PDST and TBI stemming back to 1991 (operation desert storm) I have a 29 year old son who has spent 3 tours and suffers PTSD and my 20 year old son is over there now. I cannot help this woman or her husband but with this little bit of advice maybe I can help you and yours. My wife (exwife now) Noticed the change in me and notified my chain of command, she had the courage to ask for help for me, something I did’t have. In november when my oldest son returned, I noticed the change in him, I then notified his chain of command. I love my ex-wife to this day for doing that for me, and my son thanks me every time he talks to me. So if you notice a change that doesn’t go away, talk to someone, I know this old soldier was to proud to as for help, but truley appricates that his wife was’t.
I was a military wife of fifteen years…I now have 2 sons that served in the service..my oldest was in the airforce for 8 years and my youngest just returned back to the states.. Monday this week I won’t be able to see him till a couple more days….he was between convoys from kuwait to iraq….However they train these boys to be men rough and strong to never no fear,to fight and stand for their country’s freedom,,show no mercy,show no pain,show no compassion, do or die trying,…The very thought of showing weakness is not an option,,…Then a tragedy like this happens more then we know,,weather they go and kill civilians of our enemy’s,or kill their own men,or they even comitte suicide…which is happening almost everyday, These young men and women are caught up in this thing called WAR where they don;t know who the enemy is anymore,fighting a country that put their women and kids out in the streets to be played as a pawn ,,,our troops not knowing when they shake their hands or reach out to show kindness, if they are going to ever see their families back home ever again….now they are being told just the oppisite of what they were trained….Show compasion for the enemy,, the united states has to reach out ….show them and other countries, we are humantarians ….As our troops are watching their comrades die,disfigured,and sometimes tortured….These soldiers are coming home to hardly any of attention…Yes, the first year if that we had names and faces posted on tv news ,what has happened since then? Is not the last soldiers to come home just as important as the first ones? And what about the ones that are still fighting in afganastan? And just when that soldier settles in to a home routine ..orders come through for yet another deployment….another year not seeing his kids games or first walk….another year without holding his family…another year of praying he’ll come home again..another year of seeing his friends die…..And yes this man or women did sign up to defend our country….I as a citizen of this country commend them proudly…However who is defending our soldiers rights when they are ambushed ,or their convoys are stopped by a bomb just waiting to explode …So the next time you see a soldier offer a hand,, say your proud to be an american,let him and her know how much you appreciate them for putting their live in danger everytime they step on foreign land……..And by letting them know how greatfull we are to each and everyone of them …we as a country ” can say we stand united.”….
I will pray for all Americans and Afghans, and may God handle this hard time. Only he has the answers..
What a painful position to be in. My heart goes out to her.
I follow you on Twitter, but can’t fit what I have to say in 240 characters. I think that the perspective of Mrs. Bales is an extremely important one to appreciate. It’s like the parents of children who go on school shooting sprees. And it’s an unfortunate fact that we in the military tend to turn on our own the fastest…passing judgment on stories that we don’t have all or even any of the facts. I cannot IMAGINE the path that Mrs. Bales is walking and I pray for her and her sick, misguided, or injured husband…whatever the case may be. Also, I wanted to share with you another blog post written by a friend of mine who is now a Blue Star Mom. You would think that she would be the first to condemn SSGT Bales’ actions…but instead, she comes to the rescue of an over-taxed, over-tired military.
http://tamiboyett.blogspot.com/2012/03/my-personal-opinion-on-matter-military.html
Thank you for posting!
~Allyson (AKA DaisyandElm on Twitter and fellow milspouse)
My biggest concern, fear, frustration and anger about this situation center around the fact that the military has symbolically washed their hands of this guy and seem to be extremely willing to hang him out to dry a quickly as possible – an action I can only see in political terms since we didn’t seem to move that fast when trying to get a trial for those who attacked us. To say he doesn’t have PTSD is a joke. It’s a brain injury caused by repeated stress and traumatic situations and what he went through could have been the last straw, diagnosed or not. It makes me doubt the military leadership when they encourage us to encourage our spouses to seek help. More than that, it makes me sick to my stomach that the COMMANDER IN CHIEF seems so willing to throw his own man under the bus. That’s not the Marine way, the military way… another reason why I wish we still had CIC’s who served at least one tour in the military.
The family of this soldier is in my prayers. They are the victims of this war as well. Something had to have happened that the soldier that she saw off to battlefield didn’t come home. Whathappens to the family now. I lift her up in prayer so she will be strong enough to get through this for herself and the children. So much of sacrifice. Let us remember the families.
The poor guy snapped….We are not here to give him a medical or psychiatric diagnosis but stand as fellow Americans and pray for the healing for he and his family. Such a sad siutation…and praying for all the victims….but most of all the brave Seargent who served and sacrificed his family, health, sanity and freedom……..PTSD need to be addressed. God watch over these brave soldiers…I will pray for them each and everyday….
One Trackback
[...] The Military Spouse Lost in a Massacre: There are certain things that are impossible prepare for, losing a spouse being chief among them. [...]