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When I faced deployment the first time I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I was paralyzed. It was an internal paralysis. I think I looked put together on the outside, but I was falling apart daily on the inside.
I am a proud woman. I do not like to share my weaknesses and my pain with others. My stoicism is both a benefit and a liability to me. It’s a benefit because I am very careful with whom I share my vulnerability. It is a liability because sometimes I need to let my family and friends know that I am not faring well. They need to know I need encouragement and that I may not be able to reciprocate that support for a little while.
Here are a few things I wish I would have had the courage to say during my son’s first deployment.
Here are a few things I wish I would have had the courage to say during my son’s first deployment. I hope this helps another parent or spouse articulate their deep feelings so others can understand what they are going through. Change the words to match your own situation, and let others in your life know what you are going through and what you need. You might just be surprised at the amount of support you do have.
Dear Friend/Family member/Fellow Church Member/etc.,
I know you are aware of my son’s recent deployment to Iraq. This means that the next 15 months of my life will be steeped in fear, uncertainty, grief, pain and change. I am going through one of the hardest things I have ever faced in my life. It’s scary. I feel alone. I am afraid to reach out for comfort because I am afraid of facing rejection.
I sometimes feel defensive because there are some who feel they have the right to tell me their opposition to the war when they learn I have a loved one in Iraq. Please be my friend and my support person. Do not engage me in debate right now. What is a soapbox to you is real life and real loss for me. If you go there with me I will avoid you like the plague for the rest of this deployment. It could seriously hurt our friendship. I don’t expect to us to agree all the time, but I simply cannot go there right now.
My emotions fluctuate. Please don’t think I am strange if one moment I am laughing with you and the next I am swallowing hard to fight off the tears. Laughter and crying are closely related and sometimes when I try to laugh, those tears I stifled earlier in the day may try to sneak out.
If you have never had a loved one deployed you are not going to understand. Please do not compare my son’s deployment to the time your son broke his leg. I am very sorry for the pain your son faced, but this is a very different situation all together. I am not trying to be insensitive to your situation, nor am I trying to belittle your pain or circumstance, but while my son is serving in a combat zone and being shot at, it is hard to drum up the empathy you normally get from me.
I understand you can not empathize too much with me either. To empathize means you would try to feel as closely as possible what it is really like to have your child in a war zone. That’s not something I expect you to do. This is why I reach out to other military families. The empathy and understanding I get is vital for my mental health right now. It’s not a cult. It’s the best support I can find. Don’t take it personally if I turn to them. I still love you.
There are times when I am going to look on the outside how I feel on the inside. This is when I bottom out. This is when I have cried myself to sleep and can’t hide my swollen eyes the next morning. Please offer a kind word. Let me know you are there, but do not pry. Please do not tell me you understand and never downplay my surmounting fears with a simple phrase like “It’s going to be alright.” You don’t know that. I don’t know that. My soldier doesn’t know that. Let me know you are praying for him and for me. Let me know that you appreciate his sacrifice. That may not seem like much to you, but it means the world to me.
The best way to support me is to offer me patience, kindness and a shoulder. If you want to brighten my day or cheer me up then offer to write my son a letter or tell me you have adopted a soldier and are sending him care packages. Let me see your support of our troops in an active and committed way. If you aren’t sure where to start, just ask me. I know of soldiers who get no mail because I send a little something extra for my soldier to share with them. It would bring me joy to know the men my son is fighting beside are cared for and know they are loved.
In closing remember that the landscape of my life is forever changed. My son — my child, the one I love and promised to protect with my whole being the moment I first saw him — is in a war zone and is in range of those who seek to harm and kill him. That is not something I had thought I would face as a parent. He is not doing this because he’s seeking an adventure. If you want to know more about him, just ask me. I may struggle with fear right now, but pride is never lacking. Thank you for all of your understanding. One day we will be on the other side of this and I will be back to a more normal “me.”
Sincerely,
A Blue Star Mother
Photo courtesy penwren
32 Comments
Hi. I was in the Army for a while, but I wasn’t a part of any war.However I was trained in case we had to go to war.I will keep you and your son in my prayers, and my Prayer partners will keep you and your son in our prayers. God Bless. Audrey Jones
I do not know how you feel with you sons, being over fighting this war. I sort of do but not quiet .i feel for everyone one of you. I personally, had my son-in-law over fighting this war as well as my very own brother. I am very unfortunate that there are things that keep this side of my family and my self apart from all the love and sharing and feelings that should be shared together. I do not blame as alot was my fault. I am very thankfully that my brother and son-in-law are back from what I have found out my brother came back ok, just the horrors of being there. however I was told my son-in-law came back with head injuries. Being so far away yet so close in my heart they will not know how much I love them and prayed for them their safety safe return. I am very thankful they are ok and safe now I pray all your sons and daughters a safe return.
Pam
I truly understand how you feel! My son was deployed 2 months ago and it is just killing me. No one knows how I feel right now. I cry, I miss him so much. His wife and 2 beautiful little girls are still in Germany waiting for his return. I don’t get phone calls or Skype, he does that with his wife and kids, which is understandable. They have to come first. I do get to talk on line with him for a few minutes occassionally. It is such an array of mixed up feelings . One minute your choking back tears and the next you can smile or laugh. I pray a lot, several times a day. My heart goes out to all moms who have a child deployed. We are a group that know one know what to say to us, know one understands, nor do they want to. Unless you are going through it, there is no was to understand. I have no one to talk with about it. People have listened, but they don’t want to hear, so I just keep to my self. God be with you and you child. I hope and pray for a safe return. God bless them and all our soldiers for their hard work and the sacrifice they are making.
Hang in there. I have been through this and it sucks. I will pray for your sons safe return.
My heart aches when I read so many other military stories. It is truly a rough roller coaster ride day after day. There are precious moments to share someone else’s joy then you see another suffering in pain and devasting news . My only Rock through all of these days is in my Faith. I get strength and encouragement in reading others prayers and including mine to express support and love . I dont know how I could do this without a FB connection. Technology boggles my mind but I am so grateful for its amazing abilities to touch so many people and to be involved in the whole process with a simple touch of a finger ….how it deeply touches ones soul. Thank you to the web creators to provide these connections. …..
thank you so much for this letter! you have found the owrds to express what my heart feels. i will be sharing this with my band of army mommas. a lot of us will very soon be facing our first deployments with our kids. (((heartfelt hugs momma)))
you can do it! stay strong, find an frg and hold on to each other!
My son is currently serving in Afghanistan. I understand every single emotion you’ve described in your letter. Just today I realized that fear actually had a taste…..it’s not a good one. It hits you out of no where…..in the middle of the grocery store where those around you wonder why your eyes are leaking tears yet you’re still talking to your younger children….in the middle of a talk with your best friend when you’re not even discussing anything to do with your soldier…..in the middle of a meal with your family when you begin to cry and everyone gathers around you with tears in their own eyes because they feel the same fear you do. It’s a strange thing to be a military parent. Your emotions run the range of intense pride to extreme panic. You learn the meaning of “pray without ceasing”. You understand how vital it is to say “I love you” during every conversation. God is faithful to walk through this journey with us and I’m very grateful for that. It is surely something you never imagine yourself walking through when you first hold your child in your arms. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. It helps to know we’re not on this journey alone. God bless you.
So wish I had seen this earlier in my sons deployment. We are looking at homecoming in just a few weeks.(With fingers crossed) There is no way to describe the fear we have to someone that has never experienced it . So THANK YOU. I feel like someone has “heard” my feelings.
I liked and could relate to alot of your letter as my son and daughter-in-law returned in March from deployment in Afghanistan both are medics. I spent that time taking care of their 2 young children so I didn’t have the time to cry or be fearful. We didn’t watch the news or anything that would frighten the children. I kept up to date on the computer at night after the children were in bed. When weeks went by without a call or letter I could only tell them Daddy must be on patrol and Mommy must be really busy helping the soldiers and sick people not that they must be on blackout because someone had died. We avoided going inside Burger King on base because they kept their TV on CNN. I prayed for strength and courage to meet each day and all it’s challenges for not only myself and my soldiers but for all the soldiers and their families. When I meet others that don’t support our troops I remember that my soldiers are fighting to give them this freedom. There were many times when I felt so alone I was almost 2100 miles from family on a strange base there are many programs for spouses but non for parents or grandmothers caring for children of deployed soldiers in fact according to military definition I am not a family member. My remedy was to keep the children involved in activities and help make care pkgs. Dozens and dozens of cookies were made as family projects on rainy, snowy days. Stepping outside ourselves to help others allowed us to get through deployment. The children had a lemonade stand to raise money for the USO. We volunteered whenever we could. It made the time go faster and we were all stronger when united again.
God Bless you for writing this! I feel so much better knowing that I am a normal Mom missing her son. I’ve experienced the tears at the drop of a hat in public, at work, at church, and in the middle of a conversation totally about something else and not focusing on my son, yet it was about my son, because he was not there and it was Christmas and he was missing his nephew’s Christmas play. I was ok one moment and then in tears beyond understanding. I do get to talk to my son who is in Afghanistan every couple of weeks, however he is single and has no children. This explains why he has the ability to call home and talk to mom and bonus dad! We actually know without counting the days on the calendar when it has been about the two to three week mark since we have last heard from him and the tears really start to flow and we wonder how he is doing. He is lifted up in prayer daily by us and by many who know us and him, for his safety, for his success on the job that he has been trained to do. Thank you so much for sharing what you have been going through. God Bless you each and everyone for giving your child to do his/her duty for Our Great Country!
Thank-yu for this letter my husband is their fighting for our freedom ,and I know the feelings we go thru when our love ones are on a deployement. It is very hard sometimes to get up in the moring and not have that kiss of hello. I sometimes can’t sleep so I brought a body pillow to cuddle with just until h e is home again. Yes I know about the uncertainty of the phone call and Pray to God it is ok.So Thank-you to all the men and women,who are over their fihting for our freedom.And thank-yu to all love ones that are here taken care of the home front God Bless.In my prayers Deborah Tyree the wife of a soldier.
These are all true words. My som deployed3 times. You are very proud of them and scared to dead you may never see them again. It drives you crazy when people say we know he will be just fine. I don’t know that. There are so many things that can happen and your mind can think of them all at one time or another. It is own like hell on earth. Thank God my son came back unharmed in anyway because we know there are many ways to come back injured and you can’t always see them on the outside. I am so greatful he is here and doing so will and going to finish his 4 year degree next year.
gree with you 100%. My son is in Afghanistan for the 2nd. time and wasd in Iraq once already. Going thru this 3 trimes is a nightmare. He is due home in December. Five more months of this. Sometimes i feel like I’m lucky to have made it this far. And, of course, he tells us not to worry. he has a brother who is a fire fighter and says he can get hurt just as badly. True, but the fire fighter isn’t shot at all the time.
My prayers are with you and your son. God bless you both.
beautiful letter and right on target. It like someone knew exactly how I felt and wrote it down, I wish I had seen this when my son was deployed. I actually came to dislike a few people because of their callus remarks, even though they had good intentions. I’m afriad they just didn’t think about what was coming out of their mouths. The worst was ” why did you let your son join. I wouldn’t let my son join.” I heard this one from so many people I finally came up with a response. “It was not my place to NOT let him go, I was there to support his decision and I am proud of hmi, if it weren’t for brave boys like my son YOUR son may be facing a draft, so instead of critisizing us you should be thanking us” Thanks again for putting your feeling (our feelings) into a letter. I feel better knowing that I have it if my son should have to redeploy. <3
Please than your son for his service.
i am an army brat and when i was small my dad went to korea and vietnam and i remember how my mom was, she took care of the four of us and wrote to my dad every night, and checked the mail everyday, God Bless all the families going thru this, maybe someday there will be no more wars, and everyones families will be home and safe.
God bless you and your son.
Very helpful for others. I am a former marine corps wife and have a brother, cousins, and many friends in the USMC. We have a phrase in my family and extended family that helps us… its comes from the movie Finding Nemo. Dori is always saying “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” and to us that mean put one foot in front of the other, get through this minute, this hour, this day. Not its ok, or you can do this, or things will be fine… just survive and put one foot in front of the other. Just keep swimming and good luck!
Amazing and wonderfully said! Each time one of my sons went on deployment I likened it to walking around with your heart in your hands. Because you are so hypersensitive, the strangest things can set of a bout of tears; a commercial, a picture, a story, the sound of football. A million and one different things, each of which reminds me for a moment of the love inside that I have for my child.
Thank you and thank your son and his compatriots for their service!
Wonderful letter. I am also an x-salior/soldier and knows how she feels from my parents.
Well said! I experienced my first deployments with my
husband and my son’s deployments overlapping. I could write a book on the
insensitive comments made to me by others. I had very little family support; I
had more strangers provide hugs of support in public places when I would just
cry if someone looked at me. My son just
returned and my husband has 60 more days…
Very well written, and it expresses this womans needs very well. Do not assume that it speaks for everyone though. Each individual has different needs.
I am a Military spouse, and my #1 thing I would say to everyone is STOP talking about it to me… Stop asking me how I am doing “all alone”, stop asking how my husband is doing over there, stop asking me how long he has been gone, and whether I am sad about it… stop asking me when he will be home, or saying Geez, that is a LOOOONG time! Yes, I know, trust me. Honestly, the best way for me to get through my day, its to pretend that everything is fine, and not to talk about it with every one of the 200 people who stop at my desk every day. Stop asking. If I want or need to talk about it I will come to you. Talk about the weather, talk about movies, talk about anything else but my husbands deployment, the fact that he might be getting shot at right now, the fact that I haven’t seen him for 5 months. Please let me have a normal moment now and then.
This helps me understand better what so many are experiencing. Thanks for sharing.
When I wrote this I was honestly processing a lot of emotions that came to the surface for me the other day. The surge is 5 years behind us… but the names and faces of the fallen and my son’s stories from that time are still very vivid for me. I am so glad and very blessed that it spoke to so many of you! The military family is definitely a family forged from necessity and kept together out of mutual respect and empathy!
I’m going to meet up with my mother-in-law today to give her a hug because of this. My husband is currently going through his first 12-month deployment to Afghanistan. I read this letter and felt like the words could have been my own.. All this time, I just assumed it was hardest for me (we have no kids) and maybe it is.. but that doesn’t mean this isn’t one of this hardest times in her life as well. Thank you for this letter. It’s really so well written.
I wish they had this site when my Son SSG Nathan willams was deployed. Very well said ! Thank you.
Very well said ! I wish they had this site when my Son SSG Nathan Williams was deployed. Thank You
My son and nephew are both being deployed. One thing people are constantly telling me is “I thought all the troops were coming home from Iraq”. Well my response is “sure, but my nephew is so special, they can’t do without him over there, and my son is so awesome that the powers that be thought that every body in afghanistan needed to meet him”. People who know me know that laughter is my way of coping with things, people who dont know me dont know what to think!
Thank you for expressing what I couldn’t express at the time my son was deployed. Now that he is home, I realize how supportive my family & friends were during that time. They did many of the things you suggested & it really did help us get through that year.
wow! as a 22 year veteran army wife that hits the spot! 4 deployments later it doesnt get easier….
Thank you for this! I neededi.My only child is being deployed and I feel as though time will stop and I will be in hell forever… Thanks for the clarity to say what I think.
This just took everything I have felt and put it into words!
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[...] Our preparation process began when our son was in high school and decided the military was the career for him. It is a process the entire family moves through. Reading books and web sites are helpful, but I find the best resources are finding friends who have been through it and are willing to share their tips. While he hasn’t deployed yet I know it will be an emotional roller coaster. One military wife put her advice to others into a blog post. One I think anyone in touch with the family of a deployed soldier should read, Things I Wish I Had The Courage To Say During Deployment. [...]